Lock Your Doors: Shannen Doherty Wants to Break-Up With You

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shannen2.jpgGod bless the fine people over at the Oxygen Network. They’re giving Shannen Doherty a 17th chance at fame with a new show entitled “Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty.” The show will consist of Doherty giving advice on breaking things off with your lover, friend or the entire cast of your hit 90′s television show. And if there’s anyone stable enough to dole out solid, concrete relationship advice, it’s a twice married, drunk-driving, Playboy-posing former child star notorious for her abusive streak.

We here at BWE have gotten our hands on a list of “Shannen Doherty’s Top 8 Ways of Breaking Up with Somebody“, and, to our surprise, she offers up some really promising constructive advice. Take a look…
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SIZZLER: What the Hell’s Going On Here?

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lanceboysespys.jpgIf you read even a tenth as much tabloid trash as I do, you’ve undoubtedly noticed all the recent pictures of biker Lance Armstrong and his newfound Hollywood friends Matthew McConaughey and Jake Gyllenhaal. I’ve thus far managed to resist the urge to make any lame Brokeback Mountain references or other easy jokes implying that these workout buddies have some sort of sordid relationship beyond their shared love of exercise. I mean, if three studly guys can’t enjoy sweaty, spandex-clad workouts together without fear of being labeled homosexual, then what does that say about the future of physical fitness in this country? That being said, I simply cannot continue to ignore the questions raised by the sheer amount of time these three have been spending together recently. First it was just bike rides and fitness instruction, but now the trio seems to be practically inseperable, constantly photographed together at nightclubs, awards ceremonies and other venues that have very little to do with working out. Examine the photographic evidence after the jump and form your own conclusions, but I, for one, would certainly like to know just what the hell is going on here. And how far will it go? Should we expect to see shots of these guys in their underwear, having pillowfights and other late night sleepover hijinx?

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CAPTION THIS! Bush’s Baby

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You can’t blame the kid for crying, he just spent $97 filling up his SUV.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now!

SIZZLER: Another Day, Another Beaten Maid

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naomiT.jpgThere is a special breed of celebrities who, whether they consciously realize it or not, have some sort of pathological need to repeat the same bad behavior over and over again, no matter how much negative attention it brings them. Pete Doherty, Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr., Paris Hilton – all repeat offenders of assorted naughtiness. And just as you roll your eyes reading about Pete’s weekly crack arrest, such is the response to Naomi Campbell and her repeated assaults on her employees. That’s right, yet ANOTHER of the supermodel’s ex-employees has come forward and accused Campbell of physical and verbal abuse. I am utterly convinced that even picking up Naomi’s drycleaning is a job far more dangerous and deadly than anything the special forces see on the front lines of Fallujah. Be warned.

While You Were Busy Cancelling Your Vacation to Beirut…

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  • Lindsay Lohan claims that “redheads are great in bed.” Listen, Lindsay, we get it, you have flames shooting out of your crotch, ok? Enough, already, we’ve all got our party tricks.
  • Chevy Chase calls Vince Vaughn a “refrigerator repairman“. Vince Vaughn tips Chevy Chase $100 for cleaning his windshield.
  • Jewel admits a debilitating addiction… to drug stores. Probably because it’s the only place she can still hear her music played.
  • Paris Hilton Craves Children“. OMG, it’s gonna be soooo hot when she eats her own young, you guys.
  • Astronauts next week will debut a new NASA device that turns urine into breathable air. And R. Kelly just announced that he is to become the first rapper in space.

Best Night Ever: Thursday, July 13th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, July 13th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including Master of Champions, So You Think You Can Dance?, and America’s Got Talent!

…Of The Day

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  • KNOCKOUT: When Nick & Aaron Carter fight nobody wins. Or everybody does, depending on how violent it gets. (D-Listed)
  • A DAY IN THE LIFE: This video is a thousand times better than Chaotic ever was. (Popbytes)
  • MOTHER/DAUGHTER BONDING: Pink’s mom watches her daughter get her nipple pierced. How cute. (Stereogum)
  • NOT SO POWERFUL POWER COUPLE: Andy Samburg & Kirsten Dunst. You knew that already, but now it’s kind of official. Um. Hooray? (WWTDD)
  • SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH: James Gandolfini’s recent knee surgery will push the final season of The Sopranos back two months. So that means we have to wait even longer for nothing interesting to happen. (Gawker)

The Great Urkel Hunt!

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steve_urkel.jpgThose crazy drunken kids over at CollegeHumor are tired of everybody’s obsession with seeing the first pictures of so-called human baby Suri Cruise, so they’ve decided to reach into their deep pockets and offer $1000 of their beer money as a reward to the first person who sends them recent footage of a celebrity they (and we) would actually like to see – Steve Urkel himself, Mr. Jaleel White! But winning won’t be as easy as you think, because you can’t simply send in a video clip you pulled off a Vh1 “Where are they now?” show – Urkel has to be holding a dated newspaper to prove that the footage is actually recent. So put on your sitcom-star-stalking shoes, cruise the Hollywood unemployment lines, hunt down Urkel and get yourselves paid!

Jeff Goldblum: Putting the “Camp” in “Concentation Camp”

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goldblum.JPGIn a completely unprecedented move, casting directors have chosen Jeff Goldblum to play a Jewish man. Adam Resurrected, directed by American Gigolo auteur Paul Schrader, has Goldblum playing a circus clown sent to a Nazi prison camp, and kept alive thanks to his hilarious barrack antics. Goldblum will have a lot to starve up to, following Roberto Benigni‘s Oscar-winning turn in Life Is Beautiful, as a father who uses humor to protect his son, even though Benigni ends up (spoiler alert!) dying anyway. Not to sound too callous regarding this project, but camman… Jeff Goldblum? Really, it’s insulting. It would be so nice if Hollywood could stop for a second, think outside of the lox, and choose an actor who doesn’t evoke a season’s worth of Seinfeld neuroses in a single, quickly exhaled sigh.

No word if Goldblum’s current squeeze Nicole Richie will be appearing as one of the prisoners.