Pink Hearts! Green Clovers! White Pedophiles! Insane Ideas!


michaeljacksonleprachaun.jpgYou have to hand it to Michael Jackson: Whether or not the guy realizes it, the guy might be a creeptown genius. Because just when you think he couldn’t get any more nightmarish, any more weirdly scary-clown creepy, any more child-endangering, he manages to TOP himself. To wit: MJ is now targeting the only people possibly whiter than he is, and wishes to purchase land in Ireland… and open a Leprechaun Theme Park. Excuse me for a minute. Sorry about that.

That seriously sounds like SUCH. A. BLAST. Tiny little men helping you on and off the rides, springing up behind you while taking a leak on the “Pot O’ Gold.” Losing the grip of your child’s hand, then scrambling to locate your little one in a sea of small crying children and 48-year old dwarves in green hats… We’d almost rather take an eternal spin on the Insane Clown Posse Gravitron.

UPGRADE/DOWNGRAGE: Lohan’s Well-Wishers


dina lohan2.jpgWe were all saddened to hear the news that Lindsay Lohan fell down and broke her wrist last weekend, resulting in a mandatory arm cast for her latest fashion accessory. But if there’s one thing Hollywood stars are known for, it’s taking care of their own and rallying behind each other in times of trouble. So the least Lindsay’s pals could do is sign her cast with words of encouragement. Some of their sentiments will help her get well soon (UPGRADE), while others will only make her feel sick (DOWNGRADE).

Check out her autograph collection and tell us which ones are best. Vote now!

NOTE: If you have trouble registering (or simply don’t want to), but would like to see the cast signatures anyway, click here.

Fergie Teaches Celebs How To Avoid Nip Slips


fergie bra.jpgLindsay, Tara, Mischa, McConaughey– take note: somebody has finally figured out a way to avoid unwanted nip-slips.

It’s called a “bra”, and here you can see Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas (and more recently, from Fergie) sporting one on the hip, cool show that all the kids love, TRL. Notice how the “bra” is conveniently placed over the breast and covers the nipple. This allows Fergie to wear clothing purchased from Kids ‘R’ Us on a nationally televised basic cable show without the fear of a body part popping out. Experts are already calling it “revolutionary”, and many believe that the “bra” could lead to the end of the modern day nipple slip.

Of course, since many celebrities rely on the occasional nip-slip to remain newsworthy, it’s unlikely that the “bra” look will catch on around Hollywood. But if it does, young up & coming starlets may have to find a new way to grab our attention.

We’re just going to have to hope that nobody tells them about underwear.

We’ve Been Jammed: Spaceballs, The Cartoon!


RICKMORAN2.JPGRemember sitting through Spaceballs for the 1,257th time — that morning when it aired on PAX — and while you quietly laughed at the adorkable Rick Moranis, and remembered when Bill Pullman had the qualities of a leading man before all that “they’re reading out thoughts” business in Independence Day, you thought “Gee, it’s too bad that there isn’t more Spaceballs material out there in the universe…”, well Mel Brooks has a message: Fooled you! That’s because Spaceballs is returning to the small screen, in the form of an animated series on the G4 Network. Mel Brooks will be providing some of the voices, and longtime collaborator Thomas Meehan will oversee writing (so we can pray it will actually be funny.)

You’ll have to wait until 2007 though, so until then, get on your Barfolemew outfit and try to rally up a Spaceballs convention. We’ll be styling our hair with a 400-pound blow dryer in anticipation.

ICYMI: Clay Is Sorta Kinda Totally Maybe Gay, Which Is None of Your Bee’s Wax


Good Morning America’s multi-part Clay Aiken Confessional Booth series continued this morning with Diane Sawyer randomly pulling an “Are you gay?” question out of nowhere, utterly shocking him into giving a rambling 300-word response that essentially says, “Yep”. We admire Clay’s courage, and Diane’s subtle “probing” and “in the closet” puns.

Paris Hilton Buys Homeless Man


paris homeless.jpgSick and tired of walking around with little pets like chihauhaus and kinkajous, Paris Hilton finally splurged a bit yesterday and bought her very own homeless person.

Paris (pictured purchasing the gentleman for $100, right) posed for photographs before rushing her newest acquisition to the salon to bathe him and make him lose that “new homeless man smell”. When asked why she chose this particular man, Paris spoke about his cute salt & pepper beard and his “I could snap at any second” eyes, which she dubbed as “hot”.

Paris, who in the past has named her chihuahua Tinkerbell and her kinkajou Baby Luv has yet to name the homeless man. Friends assume she’ll go with something adorable, like Stinky Butt or Marmaduke.

While You Were Using 357 Words to Say “I’m Gay”



  • Oprah is threatening to sue some crazy dude who is running a one-man campaign to get her elected president in 2008. Oprah’s not interested in the presidency, as she’ll become Intergalactic Empress when she’s good and ready.
  • Matt LeBlanc has finally settled his divorce with his ex-wife. She will now receive 40% of all royalties from each “Joey loves sandwiches” joke that airs on future re-runs of Friends, and 100% of all royalties from future re-runs of Joey. Jackpot!
  • Director Brett Ratner defended his ruining of the X-Men franchise by saying, “I wasn’t, you know, worrying about what other people wanted”. He was, however, worried about finding new ways to make cameras fly around and whiz through unnecessary explosions, ridiculous dialogue and a non-existant plot.
  • Rapper DMX is the first man in the world to get away with cheating on wife by claiming he was “raped” by another woman (who also ended up pregnant). Unless she was a sasquatch, I am really having trouble visualizing a lady having her way with an ex-con who’s been shot before and wears industrial-grade chain as a “necklace”.
  • Mel Brooks is adapting his 80’s classic Spaceballs into an animated series for cable network G4. Yoooogurt!




  • PUBLICITY PHOTO: Christopher Walken shows John Travolta how a real man wears drag, even if said man has adorably stringy chicken legs. (Mollygood)
  • NOT ENTIRELY UNRELATED: What must it feel like to get a call from Jack Nicholson asking for a threesome, with a strap-on thrown in for good measure? Only Martin Scorcese knows, but a girl can dream. (Page Six)
  • BEST “CAPTION THIS”?: There is only one real caption to this picture (right)… “MMMmmmmmmmmyello?” (DListed)
  • BABY’S DOZEN: Six celebrity couples are expecting twins… six! That’s twelve unexplainably weird baby names and thousands of blocked baby’s faces to look forward to! (TMZ)
  • PAUL IN THE FAMILY: Gwyny Paltrow and Stella McCartney are trying to set up each of their single parents, Blythe Danner and Paul McCartney, so the two can be stepsisters. Apparently these two never read The Babysitters Club #31, Dawn’s Wicked Stepsister. It really doesn’t work out as planned, girls. (JustJared)

BWE: Christian On Willie’s Weed


christian.jpgBWE’s Christian Finnegan has been blogging like a madman lately, tackling everything from his dad to weight loss to Willie Nelson. Check it out.

Listen, I have something to say to all of the kids out there: don’t do drugs. No matter what you’re friends tell you, getting involved with drugs will absolutely not make you look cool.

Unless you’re a 73 year old musical legend! Try and tell me that Willie Nelson is not the greatest human being on the face of the earth. Nope, you can’t do it. What’s more lovable than the image of a bunch of elderly dudes tooling around the country in a tour bus fueled by french fry grease, sitting around jamming and getting baked? I’ll tell you what: those same elderly dudes on that same tour bus, blitzed out of their minds on ‘shrooms.

[Keep reading Christian’s Tower of Hubris here]