(THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT)
Hey there, party-people! Do you ever find yourselves bumpin’ and grindin’ your body (and teeth) through the hottest dance clubs in Hollywood, Manhattan, Vegas, Miami (and – oh f*ck it – Columbus, Ohio too!) when you suddenly feel a nagging sense of exhaustion (possibly from the 9 shots of SoCo-lime you drank) that is really getting in the way of your “keeping the party going” (or “going back to some d-bag’s apartment to get date-raped”), and thus making you wish there were something you could do (or perhaps take) that would give you just the perk you need to party the night away (and babble everyone’s ear off about “your acting dreams”)?
Well, thanks to the wonders of a new miracle drug called Cocaine, you too can live the glamorous lifestyle of the “rich and famous” (or “ridiculed and pathetic”). But that’s not all!!! Now, instead of crowding into a crramped nightclub bathroom stall with 7 of your friends and hoovering “Nicole Richie Diet Formula” up your scabbed septums while trying to avoid the bouncers you haven’t yet blown to keep quiet (lest you get busted and require mommy to bail you out again), you can purchase this all-new, completely-legal, highly-addictive, mind-destroying alternative called Cocaine In a Can! It’s sort of like Red Bull, but way classier! Goes great with Vodka and indignity!
Sold in the establishments of NYC’s Meatpacking District, LA’s West Hollywood, and other places in which douchebags tend to drunkenly congregate (usually a local nightclub called “Senses” or “Ice” or “Fluid” or “Swig” or something).
We’ve seen rockers OK Go on a lot of stuff. On rhythm, on treadmills and now, unbelievably…on ice!?! I’m sorry, but when an obscure indie rock band’s viral video stunt becomes such a phenomenon that it inspires figure skaters to adapt it into their routine for the Canadian nationals, the joke has jumped a triple-axle over the proverbial shark. Right? No? Ok ok (go), who are we kidding – we love this stuff. Thanks to reader fmradiapathy for dropping it.
It’s being reported that Paramount Pictures is going to offer Brad Pitt nearly $40 million to take over the Mission Impossible franchise from Tom Cruise. All he has to do is choose to accept it.
“They’re all set on Brad taking over as a gutsy new head operative who puts together his own unique team of specialists.” Sources say Paramount is prepared to do whatever it takes to get Pitt on board, and is even willing to make him the highest-paid movie star in history, with a salary topping Â£21 million ($39.4 million).”
Many will balk at the amount of money being thrown Brad’s way, but in actuality it all makes sense. Paramount will once again have their good-looking, sure-thing, can’t-miss action hero, while Brad and Angelina will have enough money to finally buy Africa. Just like they always wanted!
Story via Celebitchy
This week has really opened our eyes to how painfully empty our lives are. Why? Because The Office premieres on Thursday, and we’re having trouble concentrating on anything non-Office related. It’s a horrible addiction. Seriously, we’re at the point where we’ll give h-jobs for random show-related Youtube clips, like Marky Mark in Boogie Nights. So, please, join us as we watch the following clip of John Krasinski and Steve Carell horsing around with E!’s Kristin “What a Lucky” Veitch.
This vintage 48 Hours segment documenting Nick Nolte’s
quest to stay young final transformation into Gary Busey is one of those videos that is just so jam-packed with amazingness that it’s impossible to even summarize. There are some boring bits too, but the highlights – which include a wild-haired Nolte wandering around in his PJ’s, undergoing various medical procedures with electrodes attached to him, teaching us several grim lessons about the long-term effects of cigarette-and-scotch abuse, and playing “Dance Dance Revolution” – make this a clip well worth watching. The best part is this was all filmed before this. (via Fast Hugs)
Brazilian beer brewers Nova Schin is splitting hairs with its depiction of pregnant women enjoying a nice cold (non-alcoholic) beer. According to AdRants, hot pregnant women are the official new “advertising hood ornaments,” and we couldn’t be happier. Because pregnant women are just like us. So what if they have a huge shiny orb protruding out of your midsection, stretching their skin to its ultimate limits, while a tiny, little plasma-covered thing grows inside of them? Pregnant women are young! (Under 50!) And they’re obviously attractive enough — they managed to get seminated! And, if young enough, odds are they’re a little bit slutty! I say let ‘em do keg stands like the rest of us. It’ll help ease them into their drinking problems once the post-partum depression kicks in — and kids love beer pong. (View the other pics here.)
President Bush addressed the U.N. today to urge world leaders to do more to build Democracy in the Middle East. Poor guy. It seems that he can’t get through a speech anymore without somebody leaving their mic on.
Now that’s just a shame.
Lance Armstrong: Dude, that was an amazing concert.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Seriously.
John Mayer: Thank you guys so much for coming.
Slut: OMG! It’s Jake Gyllenhaal!
John: (Loudly) SO JAKE. Can I have a sip of your water?
Jake: Sure… (Laughs and pours water from his dwarf-bottle all over Mayer’s shirt.) Wet t-shirt contest!
Lance: Oh, somebody‘s chilly!
Slut #2: John Mayer! I am such a huge. fan.
John: Oh, thanks. Wow. Um… actually, I don’t sleep with female fans anymore. It’s “not me”. So…
Slut #2: Oh, Ok, I…
Jake: (Blocks her face with his ginormous bicep) Listen, John, Lance and I are gonna get outta here.
John: Cool, cool. Thanks for coming. (They begin to walk away.) Hey… Lance?
Lance: Yeah, John?
John: (Holds up yellow wristband.) Livestrong, my man.
Lance: (Hold up wrist.) Livestrong.
Jake: (Nodding, quietly.) Livestrong.
(Leave your captions in the comments.)
The British tabloids were shocked by reports of an alleged rape that took place at the 18th birthday party of Harry Potter star Rupert Grint (better known as Ron Weasley). As of now, Grint seems to have taken no part in the incident, which has reportedly inspired money-hungry novelist JK Rowling to finally set about to writing her much-requested post-high school follow-up series to the popular novels, tentatively entitled Harry Potter: After Hogwarts. We’ve obtained this exclusive list of the 7 titles the series will be comprised of.
Harry Potter and the Horniness of the Teenager
Harry Potter and the Slipping of the Mickey
Harry Potter and the Dancing of the Dirty
Harry Potter and the Stumbling of the Victim
Harry Potter and the Ignoring of the Protests
Harry Potter and the Raping of the Date
Harry Potter and the Ruining of the Party
These should be pretty compelling, as an overly hormonal college guy wasted on Guiness is a way scarier villain than some glorified David Copperfield who calls himself “Lord Voldemort“.