SIZZLER: TomKat Wedding Postponed

by

tomkat.JPGTom Cruise is so ready to get married to Kate, in fact he wants it more than anything in the world, but it’s Kate who’s just not ready.

Apparently, her Scientology re-programming is not yet complete. So Tom has reportedly pushed back the wedding until Kate has fully been converted been drained of her hormones. In the coming months Katie will reportedly undergo intensive training on “how to spot and avoid anyone critical of Scientology.” She will also have a filtered exposure to the outside world while she trains to be the best wife ever. But if this is what it takes to have a happy marriage it’s worth it. And they’re already half-way there with Tom being so in love and Kate’s internal hard-drive being programmed to read BE_TOMWIFE2.ftp

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Ellen’s Big Day

by

The Pussycat Dolls dropped by Ellen today, and I don’t know what Ellen was more excited about: the fact that she was surrounded by a bevy of scantily clad women or the fact that she had another excuse to dance. Either way, she looked happier than a pig in s**t lesbian in a sea of Pussycat Dolls. For your consideration…

SIZZLER: Paris Hilton Is ‘Crazy’

by

gnarlsbarkley.jpgThe latest development in Paris Hilton’s un-awaited, completely futile attempt at a music career is that the album is being “put on hold” because Paris would like to record a cover of Gnarls Barkley’s hotter-than-firecrotch anthem “Crazy“. Yeah, there’s nothing the universally adored hip-hop duo needs more than having their massive hit single associated with the only album this year that has a chance of being more comically horrible than Kevin Federline’s. Hell, I doubt even Charles Barkley would allow her to sample a song from his long-unreleased 1992 hip-hop masterpiece, Slammin’.

UPGRADE/DOWNGRADE: Nostalgia Theater

by

rocky 6.jpgBlame The Fugitive. Or blame The Brady Bunch. Or blame Sylvester Stallone– for years Hollywood has been playing off of our love of nostalgia more than I Love The 80′s and YouTube combined. Every summer we’re subjected to another remake or sequel or “re-imagination” of a couple of our favorite movies or TV shows from our childhood, and throughout the year we’re forced to read about even more of our old favorites being dug up and repackaged for a new generation of fans. Sometimes we’re excited about these franchises coming back– it’s like meeting up with an old friend that you haven’t seen in years: Upgrade! Other times we wish the studios would just let them Die Hard and not return with a Vengence: Downgrade!

Which upcoming and/or rumored to be upcoming films are you excited about? Vote now!

PROPPED: Samuel L. Jackson Action

by

There’s a reason Samuel L. Jackson is the only man who could possibly handle the terrifying and highly unlikely scenario in which deadly snakes ended up loose on an airplane: the guy can do anything. Reader cdotchen dropped us several examples of why – from football to physics to hockey – nobody is more motivational than Sam “the motherf*cking renaissance man” Jackson. Watch them all and drop us off some more of the hilarity!

SIZZLER: Prince’s Trust Grows

by

charles tongue.jpg At most royal functions it is customary to greet the Prince with heavy tongue. Natasha Hamilton, one of those pop singers that was only really big in England until today, greeted Prince William at the Prince’s Trust concert with more than just a peck. But Natasha’s flack writes on her website: “The picture was a real fluke, Tash’s tongue is not protruding it’s actually the inside of her cheek and the shadow is cast by the Prince.” That’s awful pink for a shadow, Tash.

SIZZLER: Cruise’s Kids’ Forced to Read

by

cruise-airport3.jpgTom Cruise reportedly bans his two kids, Isabella, 13, and Connor, 11, from watching TV or playing video games. He tells Ireland’s Evening Echo, “The kids have no computer games. And absolutely no television. None. They can listen to music and read just about any book they want, and they can choose the movies they want to see on the weekends, within reason.” But according to Katie Holmes that’s nothing– at least they’re allowed to talk.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: The Hanks Hair Does It Again

by

hankshair.jpg1. Despite widespread religious protest and unanimously negative reviews from virtually every media source on the planet, the entire planet goes to see this anyway, determined to understand the secrets behind Tom Hanks’ decision to sport such an awful haircut – $77 million

2. Talking Animals. Celebrity Voices. Hilarious Hijinx$37 million

3. Cruise just can’t control stuff like the Hanks Mullet and cute animated animals who sound like Bruce Willis$11 million

4. It’s surprisingly hard to resist the temptation to make another “sinking” or “tanking” joke here, so hows about I skip all that, pretend it’s about tornadoes instead, and just say this movie blows – $9.2 million

5. I guess sometimes your dominatrix just can’t get the job done and you find yourself needing a little more brutal punishment to feel like the pathetic, naughty little boy you know you are. Thank god for Robin Williams$5.1 million