Here at BWE.tv, we tend to follow celebrity break-ups with the type of vigor most people save for other events, like the Superbowl, or pairs figure skating. We keep long flowcharts diagramming the ups and downs of each couple, and when one splits — specifically a couple we don’t like — we pop open streamers, pour champagne down our bras, and then cry on the phone to our Mothers. For example, upon hearing that lechy 59-year-old James Woods split from 20-year-old girlfriend Ashley Madison (the daughter of a close friend, mind you), our left eyeball shot out of our skulls… from happiness. (Best quote ever: “She truly has the soul of a moth and the brain of a dead trout.”)
Sometimes, though, we like to fantasize about couples we’d love to see together, couples we would root for. So when we read that the lovely (albeit sticky-fingered) Winona Ryder has a huge crush on A Scanner Darkly co-star Keanu Reeves, our heart monitors beeped a little faster. Yes! That’s a fantastic idea. They both have a laid-back indie charm about them that would mesh together nicely. So we’re putting it out there. Keanu, Winona, listen: U 2 R Prfct 4 Each Oth! Make it work.
Alright! Here’s exclusive video footage of the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner… If you’ve never wanted to see Andy Dick practically make out with Princess Leia’s Carrie Fisher, do NOT watch the following vid. You’ve been warned.
Also: The reporter speaks! Check out her take of the incident here. And if that isn’t enough, here’s additional footage from the Roast of Star Trek‘s George Takei.
There is just so much about this picture of Nicole Richie I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around. The emaciated figure? The weird headband/glasses combo? The unbelievable cameltoe? The pizza!?!? It’s like one of those old hidden 3-D image paintings where you’d have to stare at some pattern and try to relax your eyes in order to see the windsurfer. Leave your captions in the comments.
OK, this tidbit strikes us as a little bit gross. According to their pre-nup, Kevin Federline will earn more money for every baby he has with wife Britney Spears. Well, no wonder this girl is popping out babies like a Pound Puppy… even K-Fed’s sperm knows there’s $$$ on the line! Anyone interested in starting a betting pool? How many kids can he squeeze out of her before she throws him out of the house? Our money is on 4.
But before putting your cash where your mouth is, take this little fact into consideration: Britney and Kevin will be renewing their wedding vows in October, following the birth of their new little one. Is it real love? Or just a ploy to have a litter of some really adorable children? Only time and 14 more babies will tell. Til then, Kevin Federline’s sperm best be in working order — that’s his bread and literal butter!
Remember MAD Magazine? Remember their retarded little cousin CRACKED? Well the latter rag is back on the stands this week, and it looks like they’ve botoxed and face-lifted themselves into a glossy, shiny celebrity humor mag in the vein of Maxim and FHM. Based on their first cover alone, the new look is definitely an improvement. Check out their online preview and judge for yourselves. (Full disclosure: I happen to be one of their contributing editors)
If there’s one thing most Americans can agree on, it’s this: The Frat Pack is the greatest thing to happen to Hollywood this new millenium. Take a look at these 7 names: Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Owen and Luke Wilson, Jack Black, and Steve Carell (whose turn on The Office has given us a reason to live). Each one has had multiple hit movies, each one is uniquely Hilario Dawson, and, as a result, each one is also somehow incredibly attractive. (Ladies in tha houuuuuse! And camman guys, you know you would if you could.)
Well, a contributor at Oh No They Didn’t put together a list of everything you ever wanted to know about The Frat Pack, including yearbook photos (Vince Vaughn looking coke-ishly thin), friends of the Pack, videos and little known facts. The only thing missing are their cellie numbers… not like that’s gonna stop me.
According to Page Six, Andy Dick went cray-cray at the Comedy Central Roast for William Shatner on Sunday Night. Dick, who came on stage as a decked-out Trekkie, began his set by addressing fellow presenter Farrah Fawcett: “I’m going to [bleep] the [bleep] out of her. Put that in Page 6, 7 and 8, that’s how big my [bleep] is.” (Ed. Update: This was actually told to the reporter directly, and not at the Roast.) At the afterparty, Dick went on a face-licking spree, offered cocaine to fellow partygoers, and then bit a reporter’s hand… all while being suuupes hilare, we’re betting.
The NY Post reporter, Mandy Stadtmiller, is said to be doing fine, and hopefully hoofed it to the ER to get some emergency shots (with a morning-after pill thrown in, just to be safe.) We feel for the girl, but are also incredibly jealous of her. We miss Andy Dick — and she got a live and interactive show! Anyway, we’re glad to see him back to his psycho antics. Can someone put this guy on TV again? (Remember The Assistant? Comedy gold.)
Let’s take a break from all the nipple slips and Lohan vag jokes for just a moment to take a somewhat humorous look at a very important issue (think of this as that part after the cartoon when Optimus Prime makes some Public Service Announcement). Net Neutrality sounds like a boring blog-nerd term, but it happens to be an incredibly important issue facing all of us today. Large corporate telecom firms are conspiring right now to pass laws that would make the Internet a place they can regulate and charge you for, taking away the free democratic spirit that makes it so powerful and amazing. To help create awareness about this issue, three AWESOME Internet celebrities have gotten together with WeAreTheWeb.org to make a hilarious video that will entertain and, just maybe, educate you. If you aren’t already familiar with Leslie Hall Keeper of Gems, Tron Guy and Peter Pan, don’t do yourselves the disservice of missing out on this video. After you watch and the laughter subsides, do whatever you can, no matter how small, to take action and defend our right a free Internet. Otherwise, you could soon be paying to read our lame jokes about K-Fed, and that would just be sad.