While You Were Hunting for Hoffa

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  • Brett Ratner wants to photograph Lindsay Lohan naked. Promises the pics will have as much integrity as Rush Hour 2.
  • Bill Clinton inks a deal to write another book. Why not try his hand at Young Adult Ficton.
  • Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis are the most disgusting people in Hollywood according to a poll. They think they’re the funniest.
  • Howie Mandel blames the fact that he loves free swag on his OCD. Blames baldness on his halitosis.
  • David Spade and Heather Locklear have split. In fact, they were never together-together.
  • Lindsay Lohan loves her boobies, so does Brett Ratner.

Best Night Ever: Wednesday, May 17th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, May 17th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Next Top Model, American Idol, Lost, and Law & Order!

…Of The Day

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  • DENIAL: Mandy Moore is not in rehab. Good to know. Too bad nobody thought she was in the first place. (Us Weekly)
  • WELCOME BACK!: Syphilis makes a comeback in New Zealand. Nobody’s sure what Paris Hilton was doing there. (Breitbart)
  • UNBELIEVABLY LONG ANALYSIS OF WHAT WENT WRONG WITH THE COUNTING CROWS: “It may be hard to believe now, but there was a time when it was OK to be a Counting Crows fan.” Keep on reading (Apple Pop Life)
  • DAVINCI CODE COMIC BOOK: The DaVinci Conundrum (Cracked)
  • BIKINI PICS OF LINDSAY LOHAN: Minus her 7-Foot-Long Clitoris, naturally: (Hot Online News)

ICYMI: Law & Order Does The Cruise

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I don’t know how many of you kids watch Law & Order: SVU, but on last night’s season finale, which was “ripped straight from the headlines”, a bi-polar teen got into some serious trouble when she goes off her meds after hearing a celebrity say that psychiatry is evil in a TV interview. Sound familiar? I’m sorta surprised the guy didn’t actually jump on a coach. Does art imitate life or is Tom Cruise even stranger than fiction? Take a look!

The Daily Danza

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Move over Frankie, Dino and Sammy. There’s a new Rat Pack in town with all the class, gin-soaked singing and thick New York accents of the original. I’m talking about Regis and Tony, the Morning Show Pack. Purely out of respect, we’ve included the entire 2 minute number Tony and Reeg did today on the show. Now that’s entertainment.

Meet The New Bachelor (the one on the left)

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Belle.jpgAfter scouting out yachters and architects in search of the perfect man, the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor have finally settled on a new ladykiller and guess what? He’s a dog (lover.)

Prince Lorenzo Borghese will be the 9th Bachelor in next season’s show, set in Rome. Like the bachelors that came before him, he’s got a generically attractive face, a solid education (an MBA from Fordham) and an impressive background (he’s a prince). But while the other guys had testosterone-fueled jobs in medicine, sports and film, Lorenzo’s occupation is a little, well, fruity. He runs The Royal Pet Spa, an online store that sells home-made pet cosmetics, doggy sweaters, and puppy fragrances like “cooling cucumber tearless daily spritz.” He even dedicated the company to his old black lab, Belle (pictured). Aww isn’t that sweet? I mean dogs are man’s best friends, but in some cases they also are friends with benefits.

GAMES: Deal Or No Deal

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howie mandel.jpgI make fun of NBC’s Deal Or No Deal pretty regularly to anybody who will listen. Friends, family, co-workers, homeless people on the street– it doesn’t matter. I’ve always been dumbfounded as to why the show is popular. That is, until I played the Deal Or No Deal game.

Holy s**t, it’s oddly amusing!

Maybe I’ve been too hard on Howie & crew this whole time. Maybe Deal Or No Deal is actually a fairly intelligent show that doesn’t dumb down our nation. Maybe it really is the post-September 11th Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Who knows. All I know is that if you’re playing the game online and you take the banker’s offer instead of going balls out, you should stop playing videogames because you’re a wuss. Deal with that.

PROPPED: Pee Wee Says No to Crack, Yes to Blow

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I think one the greatest contributions YouTube makes to society is acting as preservation society for all the hilarious anti-drug ads from the 80′s. We already saw Whitney’s now-ironic message of abstinence, and now, thanks to reader garble, we have this gem featuring Pee Wee Herman solemnly instructing children to say “No!” to the vial of crack he’s holding. Also pretty ironic, considering that Pee Wee later sang quite a different tune in the film Blow.

Keep Dropping Us these hilarious finds!

CAPTION THIS: Matt Gets Upfront with Meredith

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At NBC’s upfront event celebrating the network’s new fall lineup, Today show hosts Al and Ann lent new host Meredith Vieira their support. Matt , however, went one step further and offered underwire protection.