While You Were Passing Over

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Douglas

  • A Japanese cinema will screen the Colin Farrell movie The New World in "smellovision." They tried this with Farrell’s last movie, Alexander… It stunk. (Thank you, I’ll be here all week.)
  • Pete Doherty missed his most recent court appearance because he was stuck in Paris. Miss Hilton has yet to comment.
  • Tickets for Madonna’s forthcoming shows at Madison Square Garden sold out in ten minutes. Unlike Madonna, who actually waited a couple of years before selling out.
  • The NY Post reports that scientists have developed a formula that determines what makes a great ass. As expected, working for the NY Post is one of the characteristics.
  • Michael Douglas impersonates legendary actor Richard Burton to get wife Catherine Zeta-Jones hot in bed. Like Burton, he just lays there, dead.
  • "I just picked up something and knew at that moment she was pregnant, because I notice things in people."- Tom Cruise, on how he knew Katie was pregnant before she told him, and how he knows the rest of us think he’s completely insane.

It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye…

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Vieira
For those of you who’ve been unable to properly rest or relax since last week’s announcement of the big Katie Couric-Meredith Vieira-Today-The View switcheroo, fear not! 

A quick glance at this video from Comedy Central and your misgivings will be quelled, as you realize that these two women are really just one in the same. 

Life really does go on.

…Of The Day

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J_love_hewitt
VIDEO: Carmen Electra’s now-infamous, possible contract-ending Sybian ride, in all its glory. (Here, via Gorillamask)

OFFER YOU PROBABLY CAN REFUSE: A 55-year-old Italian Pornstar has offered herself to Osama bin Laden in exchange for an end to his tyranny. (Adult Industry News)

DENIAL: Jennifer Love Hewitt throws a wrench into the Wilmer Valderrama sexual empire by saying she never slept with him. (Egotastic)

LIST THAT MAKES YOU FEEL INADEQUATE ABOUT YOUR LIFE: Money Magazine’s list of the Top 50 Jobs in America. ‘Blogger’ is nowhere in sight. (CNN Money)

NEWS STORY THAT HOPEFULLY DOESN’T INSPIRE A REALITY TV SHOW: While cameras rolled, three men in North Carolina castrated a willing patient. Next on FOX! (Court TV)

Is Brett Ratner Having the Best Week Ever?

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Evanstratner
Brett Ratner
, the undisputed holder of the title "Hollywood’s Hackiest Director", is like that guy in high school who, despite being a total jackass, always had the hottest girlfriend, the coolest car, the best scholarship, and all-around luck that would make the Irish weep into their whiskey. 

Anyway, in the course of the past week or so, he’s got Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan (who he might be dating) fighting over him, Ashton Kutcher punking Hugh Jackman at his house, the Malibu Film Festival honoring (!?!) him, and to top it all off, his longtime friend Robert Evans (above) has ‘stayed in the picture’ yet another week without croaking. 

Sounds to me like a classic case of Best Week Ever.

While You Were Calling Your Co-Worker A Spaz

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  • NicoletteDesperate Housewife Nicolette Sheridan’s even more desperate ex-husband is selling her engagement ring on eBay.  Classy.
  • John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston won’t acknowledge their autistic child’s autism, instead blaming it on a Japanese motorcycle company.  I think it’s ironic and cute that Scientologists are so bad at science.  RELATED: the Travoltas defend TomKat’s choice to have a silent birth.
  • A picture of Lindsay Lohan looking more animated and life-like than she has since The Parent Trap!
  • Jake Gyllenhaal, apparently feeling lonely and emotional following his sister’s recent happy news, can’t quit taking in Lakers games with his heterosexual life partner. 
  • EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS: Alec Baldwin, who always likes to keep it topical, finally weighs in on Paris Hilton’s three year-old sex tape – he thinks it’s dumb.  You can exhale now.
  • Sure, you’ve already made big plans for tonight’s Passover Seder.  But what are you doing about Gassover later?

SIZZLER: Fergie Pregnant

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Fergie_pee

According to Star, Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie is pregnant with Josh Duhamel’s baby. The tabloid claims she’s been pregnant for 8 weeks now and the couple are deciding on when to tie the knot.

Congrats Josh! Now you’ve got two kids to potty train.

The Crazytrain Cometh – Tom Takes Manhattan!

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Kingkong
Holy moly I can hardly contain my excitement right now! I just recieved word that this summer’s Mission:Impossible Magical Mytery Tour of Tom Cruise’s Insanity is making a stop right here in Manhattan.  Just take a gander at THIS:

"While visiting New York for the May 3 screenings, Cruise is expected first to appear live at MTV’s Times Square studios for "TRL." Then he plans crisscross Manhattan by motorcycle, speedboat, taxi, helicopter, sports car and subway before landing at showings of the movie in Tribeca, Harlem and, ultimately, the Ziegfeld Theatre for the film festival premiere."

Do you have any idea what this means?  Not only is Captain Thetan gonna be in the same zipcode as me, he’s gonna be in my company’s BUILDING!  Probably on a MOTORCYCLE!  Oh man, I wonder if I can get him to personally – personally - save me from drug addiction???

Spazzes

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Tiger_woods_2
A public remark made by Tiger Woods in which he described a recent golf performance as "playing like a spaz" has been met with outrage, as many people are calling into question the appropriateness and sensitivity of using the term "spaz".  Spaz Rights groups have risen up in fury over the offensiveness of  the sports star’s casual put-down of their kind, and are now totally spazzing out about it.  They are also demanding the immediate removal of the terms "stupid", "idiot", "moron" and "over-reacting jackass" from the English language.

Ashlee Simpson’s Boyfriend’s Penis Looks Like A Skateboard

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Ashlee_simpson1Man, that Ashlee Simpson is so cool! Not only did she host the 2006 MTV Australia Video Music Awards this week, but she’s also dating a guy who’s manhood doubles as a skateboard! I mean, how bitchin’ is that?!?

Check out more pictures of Ashlee hanging out backstage with her well-endowed (if oiled properly) boyfriend by clicking below.

Read more…