While You Were Wishing You Didn’t Miss Last Night’s CMT Awards

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Paris Hilton Attempts To Kill Hugh Hefner

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Paris_hefAt Hugh Hefner’s 80th birthday party, Paris HIlton was able to do the unthinkable: Out-Whore all the Bunnies, Pornstars and everybody else at the Playboy Mansion. What a woman!

If you head over to Playboy.com’s Happy Birthday Hef page and watch the Celebrity Shout-Outs and Serenades you’ll see what I mean. Towards the end of the video a nearly-naked Paris belts out a version of "Happy Birthday" that’s going to make Hef think about Marilyn Monroe… and how lucky she is to be dead.

"I love you Hef. You’re amazing. You’re 80 but you act like you’re 20, you look like you’re 40. You’re hot. Love you. Happy birthday."

Happy birthday indeed, Hef. Happy birthday indeed.

[Other celebs wishing Hef a happy birthday in the video: Donald Trump, The Three-6 Mafia, Jenna Jameson, Travis Barker & Shanna Moakler, Bill Maher, and Oliver Stone]

Celebrity Pilots: Stop the Insanity!

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When Tom Cruise flew his vintage World War II plane this weekend as Katie Holmes prepared to give birth, it got me thinking: What is the deal with crazy celebrities and their planes?

If Tom’s trying to change public opinion about his creepiness, it doesn’t help when he throws on his bomber jacket ala Maverick and takes his fighter pilot for a spin.

And why the hell does John Travolta always wear a pilot’s suit? I mean I know he can fly a plane but does that mean I should salute him like an American hero? If I had a lot of money and lived in Jumbolair, a village that doubles as a landing strip, then I would probably learn to fly too.

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… Priceless

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Who isn’t sick of those obnoxious "blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah… Priceless" Mastercard commercials? I feel like I can’t even remember a world pre-Priceless commercials, as much as I’d like to. Well, even though I’m aggrevated, that’s not going to stop me from entering the Mastercard Priceless Contest. "You fill in the blanks, we’ll air the best one." Right.

Something tells me they’re not going to go with the "best one." If you’ve seen any of these parodies, you know what I’m talking about. I have a feeling the winning entry we see on television won’t contain a passed-out pantless woman, a visible public erection, or a dorky guy with a Mangina. Call it a hunch. [You can see all of these, and oh-so-much more, over at HumpingFrog] Priceless indeed.

While You Were Literally Having a Watercooler Conversation About 24

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    Britney Spears
    plans on taking a break from music to focus on her acting career. First on her to do list: Start an acting career.
  • Katie Holmes is banned from speaking to her baby for a week after it’s born. But unfortunately, Tom Cruise is not banned from speaking to the baby at all.
  • Fred Durst is using his MySpace page to attack former Limp Bizkit guitarist Wes Borland. And to message teenage girls "Yo, you fine. Ever hear of Limp Bizkit? Send pics."
  • Eva Longoria says she added an inch of muscle to her butt. Funny… I offered to do the same thing for her in a piece of fan mail I sent.
  • Lisa Kudrow has vowed to stay away from TV to give Friends fans more time to get over the show. Unless of course you’re willing to hire her. In that case, she’s available. And she’ll be there. On time. Ready to go.
  • Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton have recorded a duet of "The Second Time Around" for Bolton’s new CD, Bolton Swings Sinatra. Read that sentence again. Okay, one more time. Great. Now let me know when this all sinks in, I’ll bring the Kool Aid.

SIZZLER: Frankie Hits the Road

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Sorry Hollywood execs, but  Frankie Muniz won’t be starring in your next big blockbuster romantic action thriller. We’re saddened to announce that the 20 year-old Malcom in the Middle star, who happens to be suspended in mid-puberty, is giving up acting for the next couple of years to persue race-car driving.

We know, he would have been perfect as the next James Bond or as a surly but dashing British baron in the next Jane Austen adaptation. Sorry ladies, this bad-boy has only one true love: fast cars (and his retainer –it’s zebra-patterned!)

(via ontd)

Whitney Houston Is the New Rick James

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Wbag2Whitney Houston has been all over the tabloids these past few weeks, with seperate reports of both her raging crack habit and penchant for sex-toy-enhanced lesbian loving. But who can believe the gossip rags these days? Luckily, CRACKED has gotten their hands on the official press release, a missive from Whitney herself. And you know what? From now on, she’s only getting high on life and free cocaine.

…Of The Day

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OBVIOUS ADVICE: Kevin Federline’s ex-gf warns Britney she better lose some weight or he’s gonna leave her ass for a white girl. (Starpulse)

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND: The Hunter was once The Hunted– Dick Cheney was shot in a hunting accident in the 90′s. You can stop cheering now. (The Huffington Post)

CITY: Denver. Real World 18 is heading to the sunshine state (gorgeous!) (Reality Blurred)

GOOD NEWS FOR GEEKS: Some Playstation 3 videos have leaked onto the web. (DoubleViking)

BAD NEWS FOR GEEKS: Dave Hill is going to make fun of you. (YouTube)

NAME CHANGE: Jack White’s side project The Raconteurs will be known as The Saboteurs down under. The Fosters commercials were right, those Australians really do have a whole other language down there. (NME)

NOW SCREENING: Just My Luck

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Lindsay Lohan’s next big movie Just My luck stars the actress as a young Manhattan socialite with great luck who falls in love with a hot guy with terrible luck.  When the two kiss, they swap lucks ala Freaky Friday, and adorableness ensues.

But if you’re like me, you need more than this lame synopsis of the film to tide you over till the Movie’s May 12th release. Just our luck, I stumbled on a series of Just My Luck film stills and based on every romantic comedy ever made, I was able to predict what actually happens in the movie. Check it out after the jump…

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