If you’ve ever wondered to yourself “Hmm… I wonder what it would feel like to be inappropriately man-handled by Armageddon star Ben Affleck“, your wish has been granted. Just put yourself in the position of Montreal TV host Anne-Marie Losique, who reenacts our childhood nightmare of asking Drunk Santa to stop touching us in our bathing suit place for Christmas. It’s NSFW, if you’re not allowed to feel really uncomfortable and awkward at work.
Lindsay Lohan has had better weeks. First, there was the whole pig va-hee-na spectacle of a few days ago, where a well-timed breeze and silky skirt conspired to collectively ruin the world’s appetite. Now, the poor thing’s purse was stolen at Heathrow airport. And not just any purse, but a HermÃ¨s Birkin Bag, the kind of bag that even Marie Antoinette‘s corpse is still on the waiting list for. The bag itself is worth thousands (at least we know where her college fund is going). But Lindsay also happen placed nearly a million dollars worth of jewelry inside the orange bag, which was then stolen by a clear genius off of an unattended luggage trolley.
Correct us if we’re wrong, but if you’re going to hop on a plane with a Pirates of the Caribbean-like cache of jewels, wouldn’t you put it in a less obvious vessel than a Hermes bag? Like… a horse feeder? Or something totally last sleezon — like a leather-patchwork QVC organizer? Did this bitch never see Casino? You gotta hide the diamonds in your hair! Or put them up your fuschia nethers! Really, Lindsay, for a girl with no education and an attitude prob, we’re a little surprised at your lack of sechel (Yiddish for common sense… we’re feeling Grandmotherly and judgmental.)
Reports are now saying that Lindsay has gotten her bag back, but no word yet on whether the jewels were inside. So if you see some tattered, toothless Brit walking around Heathrow in a diamond-studded thong holding money-sacks full of cocaine, call the authorities.
Some things are so amazing, not sharing them with the world would be criminal. If you watched WWF Wrestling in the 80’s and/or played with toys, this is one of those things. Reader bigslizz must’ve been saying prayers and taking vitamins, cause they dropped us a doozy.
- Matthew McConaughey spotted in hotel lobby with two scruffy beards.
- Did you wear khaki today in memory of The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin? Wait, you didn’t? You animal-slaughtering, stingray-honoring, freedom-hating degenerate. Get the hell out of my sight.
- Britney Spears might be in labor right now… Or she might be eating ice cream. While we like to think she’s doing both, she should really stick to Caesarean salads* at a time like this.
- Take a look at Paris Hilton‘s police report. Nothing too noteworthy, although they listed her height as only 5’3″… and we always thought she was taller. This interview pegs her at 5’10”. Do we smell conspiracy theory? A Paris Hilton impersonator? Someone needs to follow up on this.
- Jonathan Taylor Thomas turns 25 today. Which means I now have to French my 1992 JTT Tiger Beat poster for 25 minutes.
It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, September 7th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including ‘Til Death, Happy Hour, and Celebrity Duets!
- FLAMING LIPS:
Devastated by the discovery that those shots of Lohan’s firecrotch were actually photoshopped, one blog strikes back by photoshopping the most horrifying photoshop ever photoshopped.Turns out they were real! (Junkiness)
- NEVERENDING SURI: Despite the best efforts of a certain heiress drunk on margaritas and her unquenchable desire for attention, Suri Cruise refuses to be ignored, this time raising questions about what ever happened to that dude from American Pie. (A Socialite’s Life)
- NEWS FOR ‘GODLESS SODOMITES': Fred “the Kooky Pastor” Phelps has a few words for those godless sodomites Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, who dare to mock the fact that America has become a nation of godless sodomites. (Comedy Central Insider)
- DISRESPECT: Rodney Dangerfield’s wife and daughter are fighting for the fortune the comedian earned by suffering a lifetime of mistreatment and oppression at the hands of some unnamed person. (TMZ)
- SIBLING RIVALRY: John Lennon’s two sons, Julian and Sean, are quibbling over who is the best musical disappointment. (Stereogum)
We know you know, but to reiterate: Paris Hilton was handcuffed last night for the first time without there being any foreplay involved, after police discovered she was driving under the influence. After spending an entire 15 minutes in “the slammer”, Paris was released back into the wild, giving her the freedom of calling up Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show early this morning to explain herself. The gist of it — and these are actual quotes — Paris was filming her “new musical video”… but she “had not ate all day”. She then went to “this charity event Dave Navarro threw for brain tumors.” Wait. Dave Navarro is throwing charity events for brain tumors?? Aren’t we overlooking the real problem here — celebrities are raising money for brain tumors! And in a cruel and twisted joke on God, they’re inviting Paris Hilton to help them.
Oh God. A little bit of blood just came out of our ears. Thanks, Dave Navarro.
More on point, you can hear the entire interview here, and then thank God you don’t have to ever deal with Paris over the telephone. It’s like Robert De Niro in Awakenings, for real.
UPDATE: Mystery solved. To quote a real life SuicideGirl, Alyk, “Yeah, that ‘charity event Dave Navarro threw for brain tumors’ was actually our five year anniversary party. Dave Navarro’s band played at the party, and the ticket sales benefited ‘Head to Hollywood,’ but it was still a party with an open bar and naked ladies dancing.” Phewww! And for the record, no one saw her drinking!
I didn’t think there was anything more annoying about Ellen DeGeneres than that stupid little “smiley dance” thing she does at the beginning of her show until today, when shortly after doing said dance, Ellen launched into a painful soliloquy about her utter befuddlement over the concept of “blogs”, and people “sharing their personal thoughts online”. To learn more, she turns to audience member “Kayleeeee”, who explains how she uses this “blog thingy on the MySpace” to write about her trip to Disneyland. Ellen’s startling incompetence and awkward rambling somehow makes Tony Danza’s daytime talkshow musings look like Shakespearean monologues. Sh*t, Rosie O’Donnell is already a blogging legend.
ALSO: We’re not unaware of the brain-bending “meta-ness” of this post, so save it.
Lionel Richie is worried about a lot of things: he’s worried that Nicole could be the next Princess Di, he’s worried that Nicole might be anorexic, and he’s worried about the safety problems that come with dancing on the ceiling. One thing Lionel doesn’t have to worry about, though, is Nicole ever being considered a better singer than her old man. Here’s Nicole’s new song, “Dandelion”. It’s far from bad, but far from “Hello”. Lionel, you can sleep easy.
We all know that understanding the strange and unusual language of celebrities can be quite difficult, but translating the words of the publicists they pay to speak for them can be downright mind-boggling, especially when that flack is the Larry Bird of Lies, Elliot Mintz. The poor soul given the charge of trying to somehow convince us that Paris Hilton has redeeming human qualities, Mr. Mintz is a master of verbal trickery and misdirection, especially when his client gets herself arrested Gibson-stizz. Luckily, our trusty Celebrity Translator is up to the challenge of cracking “the Da Mintzi Code”.
What Mintz Said: “She’s absolutely fine”.
What Mintz Meant: “She’s Paris f*cking Hilton. Do you think a pansy-ass drinking-and-driving charge could possible faze a person who is primarily known for starring in Internet porn, drunkenly stumbling in and out of nightclubs on camera, and regularly exploiting herself in any and all other ways that might land her on the pages of another magazine? Hell, this is GOOD press.”
What Mintz Said: “She was driving home from a charity event.”
What Mintz Meant: “She was driving home from an event at which she could do the one thing it is she’s actually capable of doing: having her picture taken and drinking free booze while having her picture taken and drinking free booze.”
What Mintz Said: “She had one drink, a margarita”
What Mintz Meant: “She was pretty f*cked up.”
What Mintz Said: “She didn’t appear in the least bit to be intoxicated.”
What Mintz Meant: “Okay, REALLY f*cked up.”