CELEBRITY TRANSLATOR: Prison B*tch

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Michelle-Rodriguez-Mug-Shot.jpgNow that she’s finished serving the 65 hour jail sentence she chose over charity work after getting caught drunkenly endangering the lives of motorists, LOST star Michelle Rodriguez sits down with the press to refelect on her time in the pokey, and just how awesome it was. As she inexplicably describes prison as “so cool”, we’re going to have to once again employ our patented Celebrity Translator Technology to figure out just what the hell she’s talking about:

MICHELLE, regarding her fellow inmates: “It was a primal crew. The only thing that keeps them going is fighting for salt and making dice out of soap.”

TRANSLATION: Minimum-security jailtime with a bunch of white collar types serving two-day misdemeanor sentences is pretty boring, so we mostly just ate a lot and played Yahtzee.
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While You Were Getting Fuel-ed up for Extra

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  • Britney Spears would get naked for any film starring George Clooney . Unfortunately, he doesn’t have to make movies like that anymore.
  • Michelle Rodriguez had a good time in jail. In fact, she may go back again.
  • Lindsay Lohan beefs up her skinny arms with push-ups. You’re telling me no one’s introduced the girl to steroids yet?
  • Kristin Cavallari hasn’t moved on from ex Brody Jenner, according to this paparazzi footage. But more importantly, Jenner hasn’t moved on from the I’m Rick James, Bitch joke.
  • Tom Cruise will show pictures of baby Suri on Ellen tomorrow. Which means that the baby auditions are officially over.

ICYMI: Daughtry Fueling Up To Play Frat Parties?

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daughtry.jpgNow that you’ve grown tired of masochistically watching American Idol hopeful Chris Daughtry’s dreams being shattered before him, you might be left wondering “now what?” Well, if a certain annoying band you forgot about six years ago has anything to say about it, the would-be Idol’s rock-star’in days might only be beginning. 90′s pop-metal band Fuel is planning to reach out to Mr. Daughtry on Extra tonight, publicly inviting him to join them on their journey through college, corporate and casino gigs throughout small-town America. Sure, it’s not quite widespread fame, but the drunk sorority groupies ain’t bad and the booze is usually free.

Now if that’s not a “Shimmering” silver lining to his dark cloud of despair, I don’t really know what is.

UPGRADE/DOWNGRADE: The British (Dude) Invasion

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james blunt1.jpgIt’s a proven fact- women are suckers for guys with British accents. Men in America have no choice but to accept it… though that doesn’t mean we have to like it. With more and more male celebrities from England filling up the pages of our tabloids, entering our cars through our radios, and popping up on TV and in movies, the US is experiencing another British invasion. Only this time it’s way, way hunkier. Sometimes we’re cool with these British dudes crossing the Atlantic because it results in shows like HouseUpgrade! Other times… to be Blunt… it’s far from “beautiful.” Downgrade! Vote now!

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION!

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Every year, television shows submit their best, most heart-rending work to Emmy Award judges in hopes of being considered for an honor. But we at BWE see so many precious moments on TV everyday, that never get any recognition. So we’ve created our own For Your Consideration series, in hopes that some of our favorite moments on TV will finally be acknowledged for their contribution. Grab your tissues, this one from yesterday’s Oprah, is a tear-jerker.

High Score Your Way Into Heaven

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LeftBehind.jpgHave you heard the gospel of gaming? Essentially the most awesome thing to happen to Christianity since Kirk Cameron left Growing Pains, the makers of the Left Behind brand of evangelical entertainment have announced their latest soul-saving scheme: the official “End Times” video game! For all the wayward souls who would find their way to the Lord if they weren’t so busy playing PS2 all the time, there is now a fun and wholesome way to do both! Who needs to sit through a boring church service when you could spend Sunday morning navigating through level after apocalyptic level, using a variety of weapons to convert homosexuals and other heathen types to Christianity whilst doing battle with the Bible’s very own Bowser – the Anti-Christ Himself! Just beware the Mark of the Beast and sinful temptation!

This one’s really gonna give Grand Theft Auto a run for it’s money. And the best part is, if it sells well, we might even get the chance to experience Jesus’ crucifixion first-hand when Mel Gibson finally gets around to releasing “The Passion of the Christ: the Game“!

While You Were Wondering Who Was Listening To Your Phone Calls

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  • Lindsay Lohan used an ass double for her Coinslot skit on SNL. Her actual ass was way too wasted to make it to the set.
  • A popular pornstar says Tommy Lee is great in bed. No, not Pamela Anderson. A different one this time.
  • A New York hip-hop DJ was fired for taunting a rival radio personality by saying that he was going to “R. Kelly” the man’s young daughter. The station has a policy that nobody should be threatened with Trapped In The Closet under any circumstance.
  • Chris Tucker will earn $25 million to appear in Rush Hour 3, making him the highest paid actor in Hollywood. And rightfully so, I loved his last movie… Rush Hour 2.
  • Pete Doherty upset fans by failing to show up for a gig in Germany. The fans who actually expected Pete to show up were said to be higher than he was.

RANT: Are Celebs On Strike This Week?

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snoringguy1.jpgHas anyone else noticed that this has been a particularly slow celebrity news week? With the possible exception of Lindsay Lohan’s coked-up publicity tour, there has been an alarming draught of idiotic hijinx, juicy gossip and other assorted insanity for us to make fun of. Sure, Britney’s pregnant again, but that was totally unsurprising and mostly just sad. You celebs really need to stop sleeping on the job – Tom Cruise, as awesomely crazy as he may be, can’t keep carrying you people week after week. Even old stand-bys like Paris Hilton, Brangelina and Jessica Simpson have been quieter than Suri Cruise’s birth, keeping their absurd antics to a frightening minimum. For god’s sake, things are getting so bad that we’re resorting to round the clock coverage of a non-magician and his half-baked quest for attention. Now’s the time for all you fame-whore wannabes to step up to the plate and make something happen! I’m looking at you, Jessica Alba – why don’t you try doing something other than just being hot?

Please, we’re dying over here – and garden variety marriage/divorce/pregnancy rumors just aren’t gonna cut it. K-Fed’s album is “dropping” for weeks yet, so we’d really appreciate you celebs getting off your lazy asses and giving us something to ridicule in the meantime.

SIZZLER: Denise Richards Dumped?

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According to the new issue of In Touch, Richie Sambora has dumped spring fling Denise Richards after their public displays of balcony affection.

The magazine states: After upsetting his estranged wife, Heather Locklear, by hooking up with her ex-best friend, Denise Richards, Richie Sambora has ended his romance with Denise.

This means Sambora can patch up the ugly riff between him and his estranged wife, Locklear. It also means he can finally buy Charlie Sheen’s kid’s clothing designs, guilt-free!

PROPPED: Fergie and Mr. T

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Bless you cdotchen for dropping this vintage video of Mr. T coaching a very young Fergie on how to hit a baseball in an early episode of The Mr. T show. Between this pre-teen video of Fergie, this more recent video of a teenage Fergie on Kids Incorperated and this current video which features a middle-aged Fergie, we can see how the singer’s jowls have matured.

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