IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Katie Quits!

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We hope you’re sitting down, because we’re about to break some really big news: Katie Couric quit the Today Show this morning. Okay, you know about it but have you seen it? If you think it’s awkward to quit in your boss’s office, wait till you see someone do it on live TV. 

Also after the jump, find out about THE COURIC EFFECT and how Katie’s choice to quit the show has created a catastrophic ripple effect throughout the world.

Read more…

While You Were Getting Nervous About the Apocalyptic Snow Outside

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  • Lindsayjpgw300h344
  • The Origin of the Species of Lindsay Lohan.
  • 50 Cent is set to give his acting chops a real workout, playing a prison inmate alongside Nicholas Cage
  • Don’t blame Naomi Campbell.  Blame her incredibly dangerous cellphone.
  • Starbucks is now brewing its way into the movie business.  They’re starting off with a Tall movie about a spelling bee, but they work their way up to a Venti action blockbuster by the summer. 
  • A New York judge was censured after comparing an assault victim to Jon Lovitz’s pathological liar character from SNL.  Using the words "Jon Lovitz" in any decent public place, much less a court of law, can have some serious repercussions. 
  • A secretary for the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security was arrested for trying to solicit sex from a 14 year-old girl on the Internet.  I don’t think that’s what Bush meant by "hunt down and punish".

Happy Easter Indeed

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What does the Easter Bunny do the other 364 days a year? Watch this video to find out. And to prepare yourself.

So THAT’S What Happened!

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Cruisecouch
In a recent interview with Parade magazine, soon-to-be dad Tom Cruise reveals some haunting insights about his own father:

"He was a bully and a coward – the person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you. … It was a great lesson in my life, how he’d lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang!"

I hope, for the sake of the baby, that family history doesn’t repeat itself as is all-too-often the case.  One minute you’re just playing paddycakes with mommy, then all of a sudden – BANG! – daddy is jumping up and down on the sofa, yelling something about how your crying is glib.   It’s a vicious cycle.

24: Painting The White House Black

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I held out on writing about this week’s episode of 24 yesterday because I wanted to give those of you who decided to TIVO the episode and watch the NCAA Finals or some opening day baseball an extra day to get around to watching it. Well, I can’t wait any longer. We have to discuss. So, if you still haven’t seen it, here’s your warning: Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert.
Logan

President Logan
is behind the whole f**king thing?!?!?! Are you KIDDING me?????

Listen, I’m willing to believe that Jack survived a fiery explosion last week. I’m willing to believe that Henderson/Robocop came back from the dead to stab Tony in the heart with a syringe and escape a recently gassed CTU scott free. And I’m willing to believe that the superhot Kim Bauer would date an ugly guy with a really thick goatee. But I can’t believe that President P*ssy (as he’s lovingly referred to as in the TVGasm Comments section) could mastermind this whole attack. The guy can’t even control his wife! Something doesn’t add up. The only twist that would have been less believable is if Jack were behind the whole thing. Hmmm. On that thought…

[In Case You Missed It, you can head on over to TVGasm for a complete/hilarious recap of the episode.]

SIZZLER: Katie’s Post-Modern Birth

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So far, Katie Holmes pregnancy has been increasingly surreal, packed with over-enthusiastic smiles, questionable stomach bumps, personal sonograms and promises of a an absolutely silent birth. But according to Tom’s directorial vision,  this birth still isn’t David Lynch-y enough.

So with his obscure eye for social commentary, Cruise has decided to stuff the pre-natal Holmes not only with loads of spicy Indian food but also with an adult sized pacifier (and we don’t mean Vin Diesel). Just imagine the haunting image of Katie in a noise-reduction chamber,  chewing on a curry-flavored pacifier, surrounded by Scientologist handmaidens. Now if he could just get some embryos to fall from the ceiling (a la Eraserhead) the birth of little Cruise Jr, could be canonized in college level film classes everywhere.

Making Fun of Those (More) Fortunate

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Look_bookSometimes Alex and I get tired of making fun of talented celebrities, reality TV stars and Paris Hilton. When that happens, we have to direct our rage to more traditional targets like the stupid, the ugly, or Molly from the Travel Issue of New York magazine.

I mean, look at her. She’s just asking for it.

So head over to Gawker and check out their latest Looking At The Look Book column. You’ll see that we treat the average British writer/artist/musician with the same tender love and understanding that we do Lindsay Lohan or Colin Farrell. Okay, maybe not Colin Farrell. But he’s an a**hole.

…OF THE DAY

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  • CavallariDISCOURAGING HEADLINE: "Nuke plant gets new locks after keys lost." (Reuters)
  • ENCOURAGING MUSIC NEWS: Radiohead’s new album nears completion. (Rolling Stone)
  • GOOD NEWS FOR BAD ACTORS: Kristin Cavallari lands a role in an upcoming movie. (MTV)
  • BAD NEWS FOR REPO MEN: Fearsome rap mogul Suge Knight has filed bankruptcy.  (Yahoo! News)
  • DISABLED LIST I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE ON: British soccer star misses match after dropping scalding water on his genitals.  (Mirror)
  • REPUBLICAN DREAM COME TRUE: San Francisco is sliding into the ocean. (Coastsider)
  • POOR VIAGRA ALTERNATIVE: A female teacher had sex with a 13 year-old student 28 times in one week! (The Smoking Gun)