It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 21st! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Prison Break, Treasure Hunters, and Vanishing!
Comedian Dane Cook took a break from being unfunny on HBO’s Tourgasm to be unfunny and, well, downright creepy during last night’s Teen Choice Awards. There’s something about a 34-year-old comic making explicit sex jokes in a room full of Hilary Duff fans that would even make John Mark Karr squirm. I’m just sayin.’
So check out the clip now to see Dane act like your creepy uncle that your parents won’t leave you alone with. Awkward Micha Barton anorexia joke sold separately.
It’s Monday, so you know what that means: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are probably off fighting in some mirrored room somewhere. Angelina is said to be in a deep post-natal depression, and is feeling the strain of her mother’s illness and the constant media attention. Many in Hollywood, no doubt worlds less attractive than either of them, are speculating that the relationship won’t see the end of the year. But we think that’s impossible. Why, you ask?
Because. If the two BEST LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD cannot make it work — WHO CAN, I ASK YOU? Nobody, that’s who. Take my word for it: If Brangelina falls through, I will completely give up on myself physically. I will bathe in Ben and Jerry’s, wash my face with Hershey’s chocolate syrup, wear entire hams for shoes, and the skin of the poor as a dress. Because, simply put, looks will cease to matter. Take a moment and think about these ramifications, while I nervously nibble on a 10-calorie dessert in anticipation.
The folks at Turner Broadcasting have their priorities intact. Thanks to some recent studies that have finally revealed that smoking is not good for your health, the Superstation has decided it’s about time to sift through a few thousand old cartoons and remove all the scenes that “glorifiy” smoking. But don’t worry, scenes that glorify mindless violence and racial stereotypes are still A-Okay.
So in cartoons like Tom & Jerry, The Flintstones and Scooby Doo smoking is OUT. Too dangerous. To find out what’s still in (and not nearly as dangerous as a pack of cigarettes) you can click below.
Yes. My fantasy has finally been realized. Seinfeld has been turned into a musical! The show is happening all the way up in Winnipeg, Canada, and while most people living in Winnipeg have never actually seen Jew, they’re still totes pumped about the idea. But if you don’t actually own any snow shoes, what kind of songs do you think should be in it? Here are some we’re currently working on: (sung to the tune of “Seasons of Love” from Rent)
525,600 Things that annoy.
How do you explain it… to a goy?
From traffic, to cancer, to dating, to masturbation,
From Newman, to Nazis, to bubble boys.
From 525,600 Kvetches.
How do you measure — the things that annoy?
There are some games we find online that just SCREAM Best Week Ever. Sadly, most of those games are NSFW, illegal in most states, and result in about 45 minutes of consecutive unstoppable pop-up windows about penis pills and Canadian webcam girls. No matter. This game is pretty great too.
It’s called Escape The Paparazzi, and well, that’s exactly what you have to do. So if you think Angelina Jolie, Russell Crowe, Tom Cruise or any other celebrity has it easy, think again. Actually- don’t think. Just play.
While the rest of us spend the weekend either resting or raging, The Hoff is out there hoffin’ it up, leaving us with several juicy bits of new Hofformation to digest. Let’s not waste any more time then!
- The Hoff says he wants his next bride to be British. Good thing the Queen of England is single.
- Busty actress Gena Lee Nolin sent her best wishes to The Hoff following his official divorce from Pamela Bach (who will henceforth be known on this blog only as The B*tch). Nolin’s “best wishes” arrived in the form of her panties, only one of the hundreds that are sent to The Hoff daily.
- Executive Producer Simon Cowell says The Hoff will return to the second season of America’s Got Talent. No surprise there, but The Hoff has yet to decree whether or not he will allow Simon Cowell to go on breathing. Fingers crossed.
A woman claiming to be Osama Bin Laden’s sex slave has written a book claiming that Osama was so obsessed with Whitney Houston, he debated having husband Bobby Brown murdered. Can you say “Match Made In Heaven” alert? First of all, subservient, shumbservient, when Osama gives an order, Whitney has no choice but to “Do It Todaaaaaaay.” And Houston would no doubt benefit from Osama’s connections… in drug trafficking, of course! While Whitney wouldn’t be allowed to sing (Osama, of course, does not tolerate music), she can still substance abuse the hell out of herself.
The oooonly possible probby I can see with this Bin Laden-Houston affair would be his picking out one of her trademarked “doody bubbles.” As we all know, that’s black love. (Ed. Note to Bobby Brown: Sleep with both eyes open. This is terrifying.)