CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Mission Unprofitable

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mi-3_rt.jpgWhat happens when you launch a costly, multi-vehicular air, land and sea publicity assault on the biggest metropolitan area in the world? Apparently not much. Here are the top five films you chose to waste your hard-earned money on last weekend.

1. Tom Cruise’s increasingly insane real-life antics are proving to be far better entertainment than the movies he makes between his patented brand of publicity nightmares – $48 million

2. No wonder M:I3 opened to such poor numbers, considering the stiff competition it had from the Robin Williams-on-vacation-in-a-motorhome-hijinx-ensue-comedy in it’s second week of release – $11.1 million

3. I see dead people: Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spacek’s slumming performances – $6.4 million

4. You know what, “stick it” up your ass$5.5 million

5. Grave-robbing is not nearly as profitable as Hollywood had been expecting – $5.2 million

PROPPED: Guttenberg on Wheels

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Props to nthdegree for bringing us this old-school footage (via Gothamist) of Steve Guttenberg roller skating through the steets of New York City in the Village People movie “Can’t Stop the Music.” You see kids, in 1980, when the movie was made, roller skating was New York’s primary form of public transportation. And nobody could roll and rock like the Gutts.

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While You Were Never Drinking Tequila Again

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  • A court awarded David Hasselhoff joint custody of his children following his bitter divorce from estranged ex-wife Pamela Bach. The Hoff is relieved to have his kids back, but is still pissed that the b*tch got to keep KITT.
  • Courtney Love revealed that the first time she met Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, she was high on crack. She then revealed that she was also high on crack while revealing the previous revelation.
  • By now one would think it impossible to learn that Kevin Federline could possibly be any more of an idiot than he already seems. But then one would see this picture, and inherently know they had been oh so very wrong.
  • Oh, and when K-Fed isn’t standing triumphantly atop a Maserati he doesn’t own, he’s pressing the buttons of his ATM machine/wife, who keeps telling him “insufficient funds”.
  • Zack Morris knocked up his wife, who sadly isn’t Kelly Kapowski.

It’s May 8th; What’s up?

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tv set.jpgI know we throw around the term “best ever” pretty freely over here (can you blame us?), but I’m not kidding when I say tonight may be the best night ever when it comes to watching TV. You have David Blaine committing suicide holding his breath for 9 minutes and the Prison Break-ers busting out. You have a ton of guest stars– Wanda Sykes on The New Adventures of Old Christine, Dr. Frasier Crane as The Angel of Death on Medium, Vivica A. Fox on All of Us, and Wayne Brady on Girlfriends (Girlfriends!) You have Jessica Biel returning for the series finale of 7th Heaven, and at least 4 or 5 people returning to ABC to watch the season finale of What About Brian. Oh, and a brand new episode of 24. My DVR may explode tonight. So what are YOU watching? Vote now!

POLL: Jessica Vs. Jennifer-Who’s Looks Better with a Bob?

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Last week Jennifer Love Hewitt went from Maxim babe to mama’s girl when she chopped her long brown locks and debuted a short, reddish bob. This week, Jessica Simpson covered up her long blond trademark hair and walked the red carpet, wearing a similar short red bob. We don’t know who’s got bigger problems: Jennifer who’s got at least a year before her hair grows back, or Jessica who’s sporting a wig from her upcoming line of hairpieces.
While both hairstyles will be a hit with middle-aged moms, who do you think looks better with the bob?

Scientologists Love MI3!!!

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cruise.jpgYes, Mission Impossible 3 only finished up the weekend with“disappointing” $48 million. But who cares? I want you to forget about the casual movie goer and forget about “normal people.” M:I3 was a big hit amongst the one group of people that matters the most- Scientologists.

Or was it…

People in Holllywood have noticed an “unusual pattern of ticket sales” at the Arclight Theater… a movie theater conveniently located right next to the Church of Scientology Celebrity Center.

…an ArcLight employee did confirm to me just now that “people have been buying dozens of tickets at a time” for MI3, which is definitely an extraordinary sales pattern for the movie theater (or any theater, for that matter).

Hmmm, interesting. I’m not sure if I buy the conspiracy theory, though. What would you expect Scientologists to buy dozens of tickets for? RV? Come on now.

Best Night Ever: Sunday, May 7th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, May 7th! Jason is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including The Simpsons, Family Guy, Sopranos, and Grey’s Anatomy!

While You Were Dodging the Debt Collectors From Chateau Marmont

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  • David Spade unsurprisingly continues on with Mission: Very Publicly Make Sure Everyone In the World Knows I, David Spade, Am Dating Heather Locklear.
  • Meanwhile, Vince Vaughn disgraces Trent’s Swingers ladies man legacy by refusing to admit that he’s dating Jennifer Aniston, thus forcing tabloid writers everywhere to wait even longer to officially coin “Vinnifer”.
  • Jeremy Piven calls Barbara Walters “a bitch”, offers to hug it out.
  • Ashlee Simpson sticks her new nose up at the idea of making her sister’s mistake and marrying young.
  • M:I3′s expected box office take might be making studio executives a little nervous about whether Tom Cruise is still a bankable star, or just another crazy person frantically running around Manhattan in the costliest marketing mistake of all time.

MTV Gets Fresh Meat for New Challenge

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road worldersMTV has announced a new version of the Gauntlet Inferno juggernaut, and it doesn’t bode well for many of the series’ former cast mates. The latest incarnation, called Fresh Meat, employs only 12 road worlders as opposed to the usual 20-30. Why? Because in this version, 12 former Real World/Road Rulers will now compete against 12 ‘regular’ people (who look hot sand wrestling for coconuts.)

While the old-school 12 (which includes Melinda, Danny, Wes, Tonya, Derrick, Corral, Johanna and Katie) can keep their agents, their LA apartments and their Tanning Salon memberships for a few more months, other former cast mates will have to finally enter the real world–which has far fewer hot tubs then they were led to believe.

Check out the new cast here.

PROPPED: Pete’s Bloody Art

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pete doherty.jpgCubachick Dropped this story about Pete Doherty painting with his own blood 7 hours ago. It’s taken me that long to actually accept it.

I mean, we know the guy loves needles. LOVES them. Pete Doherty loves needles like a fat kid loves cake, or like 50 Cent loves cliche similes. But to get to the point where he’s combining his love for sticking things into his arms and painting pictures… that can’t be healthy. What’s next? If he starts using a needle instead of pick to play guitar, I’m calling for help.

Because besides the whole painting thing, Pete’s a totally normal and well put-together individual. We have nothing to worry about whatsoever. (Got a story for us? Drop It now!)