UPGRADE/DOWNGRADE: Celebrity Parents


best baby ever.JPGMadonna and Michael Jackson. When I was a child in nursery school, that was my answer to the question “If you could choose your parents, who would you choose.” You could only imagine how I would’ve turned out.

Throughout the years, celebrities have coupled up and popped out children (like this one in the Best Baby Ever onesie) left and right. These kids, who are born rich and famous, seem to have it all: money, power, groupies (?), and to top it all off– super cool celebrity parents. With some of these Celebrity Parents you can’t help but look at them and wish that you were the one calling them Mom and Dad– Upgrade! But with other couples, you’re glad that you’re not the one being dragged around in front of the paparazzi with them– Downgrade!

ICYMI: Secret LOST Memo For Season 3


xmaslost.jpgIf you’re like me and desperate for the summer to end and LOST to return, Something Awful has put together this hilarious “secret memo” spoof supposedly written by Damon Lindelof, the show’s head writer. Below are some excerpts from his “preliminary ideas for next season”:

  • We will have an episode where we reveal that the entire island is run by aliens and aliens are causing everything and every mystery can be solved by just saying aliens. After the inevitable backlash from the fans, we will point out that the episode aired on April 1st and the entire thing was a prank. Then, of course, one of them will notice that April is the fourth month. And 4 is one of the cursed numbers. Oh, oh, and it’s the first of April and four times one is also four. Which is one of the cursed numbers. Slamdunk.
  • I’ve been noticing a decline in the biting wit usually evident in Sawyer’s constant nicknames for the other survivors. In order to rectify this, I put together a sample list of names that are up to his usual hilarious quality:

    “long haired dude”
    “two eyes”
    “stuck on the island guy”

ICYMI: Bizzaro Axl Spazes at Rock n Rio


axl2.jpgWhile you were firing up the grill and drinking pabst on rooftops this holiday weekend, bizzaro Axl Rose continued his attempt to convince the world that he’s really the original Guns N Roses frontman.

When the puffy-faced Tommy Hilfiger-hitter performed Sweet Child o’ Mine in Portugal at the Rock n Rio concert on Saturday, he still didn’t seem like his old mid-90′s self. But his manager released a statement today blaming it on the fact that Axl was suffering from a muscle spasm during the performance. Hmm, wonder if that had anything to do with the woman’s corset he was wearing.

See footage of the performance here.

SIZZLER: Jen Reacts to Baby She Never Had


bradjen.JPGIt looks like divorcees Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are finally making amends. Aniston reportedly reached out to Angelina Jolie and Pitt to congratulate them on the birth of their new bundle of joy messiah, Shiloh. According to Life and Style Weekly : “Jen got the news late on Saturday afternoon… After some debate with Vince, Jen decided to call Brad’s manager and give congratulations from them both.” Brad’s manager was reportedly touched, but refused to apologize for running off with Angelina.

It’s May 30th; What’s up?


tv set5.jpgIf you’ve turned on NBC some time in the past month (which you probably have, if for no other reason than to watch Celebrity Cooking Showdown) you know that Last Comic Standing is starting up tonight. You’ve seen Doug Benson in the commercials. You know you’re gonna watch.

Surprisingly, on top of LCS there’s a lot on tonight. Liz Phair guest stars on Pepper Dennis, Jamie Kennedy is Blowin’ Up on MTV, and Kathy Griffin offers masochists viewers a sneak peek of her upcoming show on Bravo. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

Black Eyed Peas Make A Difference


bep1.jpgThe Black Eyed Peas met Nelson Mandela during a stint in Africa where they launched a children’s charity and played a free concert. The band was happy they could make a difference. Frontman will.i.am told reporters that he hoped his own struggle to pursue a music career would motivate South African kids to strive for a better life. And Fergie wore a shirt that said I love ponies.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: An X-ercise In Boredom


x3.jpg1. Not even hacky Brett Ratner’s staggering mediocrity could scare people away from this beloved comic book franchise. Hell, he even got my ten bucks – $120 million

2. Tom Hanks could star in a silent film about narcoleptic investment bankers and you would still flock to see it. Awful haircut or not, people love Tom Hanks – $43 million

3. Didn’t anyone go outside this weekend?$35 million

4. I’ll probably just Netflix this one$8.5 million

5. “No, but this time the sinking boat is upside down. Seriously guys, it’s different!” – $7 million

While You Were on a Pilgrimage to Namibia



  • Gwen Stefani gave birth this weekend to Kingston James McGregor Rossdale. Unfortunately overshadowed by the New Messiah.
  • Jude Law and Sienna Miller are back together. Until he hires another nanny.
  • Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn take in a baseball game. Because that’s what good friends do.
  • Angelina and Brad give more money to Namibia. Hey, what about us?
  • Halle Berry wants a baby, not a husband. Luckily, birthing a husband is highly unlikely.
  • The good news is Russell Crowe was replaced by Heath Ledger in new Baz Luhrman movie. The bad news is he’s got more time to devote to his music.