SIZZLER: Cruise’s Kids’ Forced to Read

by

cruise-airport3.jpgTom Cruise reportedly bans his two kids, Isabella, 13, and Connor, 11, from watching TV or playing video games. He tells Ireland’s Evening Echo, “The kids have no computer games. And absolutely no television. None. They can listen to music and read just about any book they want, and they can choose the movies they want to see on the weekends, within reason.” But according to Katie Holmes that’s nothing– at least they’re allowed to talk.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: The Hanks Hair Does It Again

by

hankshair.jpg1. Despite widespread religious protest and unanimously negative reviews from virtually every media source on the planet, the entire planet goes to see this anyway, determined to understand the secrets behind Tom Hanks’ decision to sport such an awful haircut – $77 million

2. Talking Animals. Celebrity Voices. Hilarious Hijinx$37 million

3. Cruise just can’t control stuff like the Hanks Mullet and cute animated animals who sound like Bruce Willis$11 million

4. It’s surprisingly hard to resist the temptation to make another “sinking” or “tanking” joke here, so hows about I skip all that, pretend it’s about tornadoes instead, and just say this movie blows – $9.2 million

5. I guess sometimes your dominatrix just can’t get the job done and you find yourself needing a little more brutal punishment to feel like the pathetic, naughty little boy you know you are. Thank god for Robin Williams$5.1 million

SIZZLER: Doherty Dropped from Label, Beaten

by

dohertyPete Doherty has had another productive weekend re-enacting every rock n’ roll bio-pic ever made. After last week’s transgender performance, reported crack binge and syringe squirt his record label, dropped him. He then returned to his rat infested London flat, only to be beaten by ex-girlfriend Kate Moss. Former lover Kate stopped by Pete’s London flat and “began kicking and punching him in the street.” Doherty says, “She was angry about the blood spraying thing. She beat the crap out of me.” While critics may accuse this latest stunt as a rip-off of Sid and Nancy, we think he’ll surprise us with an Eddie and the Cruisers-style ending.

It’s May 22; What’s up?

by

tv set4.jpgLike many of you, I’ve devoted 22 hours of my life to 24 this season. Tonight, it’s time for the final 2. Sure, there are other shows that are worth watching this Monday, like Alias, Medium, the Real World / Road Rules: Fresh Meat kickoff special and Shalom In The Home– but none of that matters. All that matters tonight is Jack Bauer, a bunch of terrorists, a nuclear submarine and a dirty President of the United States. What’s going to happen? I have no clue. The only thing I do know is Jack Bauer is going to end up on top– because that’s what he does. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

Angelina Update: Longest Labor Ever

by

jolie1.jpg
On Friday night, after posting reports that Angelina would be popping out a miracle baby any minute, we were sure we’d come back to work Monday with a brand new baby to blog about. But according to reports Angelina Jolie is still “about to give birth.” If tabloid reports are to be believed (and they should be unconditionally) she’s been in labor for over 72 hours. Making this her strongest argument for adoption yet.

Meanwhile, during Jolie’s relaxing weekend in a birthing tub having labor pains, a photojournalist who’s been shadowing her was detained by Namibian police and she and Brad reportedly fought over how to care for their sick baby Zahara. All in all, it was the best weekend ever for Jennifer Aniston.

While You Were Re-Proposing

by

richieam

Best Night Ever: Sunday, May 21st

by

It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, May 21st! Robin Hopkins is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including The Simpsons, Family Guy, and Desperate Housewives!

Supergroup Is Straight Up Super

by

Sorry VH1- but I’ve had it with Celebreality. Hogan Knows Best, Celebrity Fit Club, A Surreal Life with a transgendered Arquette brother/sister. I’ve had enough.

At least I thought I did. Until I saw these clips from Supergroup. Whoever decided to put Sebastian Bach, Evan Seinfeld, Ted Nugent and Scott Ian in a band together is a f’n genius. Check out this clip of Sebastian and Evan getting into one of those classic guy-wrestling-matches-that-suddenly-gets-serious. And click below to see another preview.

Watch another clip here! It’s gonna be great.

Shuffling Towards the Weekend: the Battle Continues!

by

So last week you people overwhelmingly decided that Bob’s playlist was superior to mine, possibly due to the embarassing appearance of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless America” on my list. ANYWAY, since Bob is the reigning champ, this week we pitted him against the musical powers of our own Paul Scheer, and filmed it to make sure nobody could cheat! Check out their shuffles, vote on a winner, and post your own results in the comments! Click here for a text version of the lists (first comment).