Look, all the fireworks and rock music this weekend are probably going to take a toll on your hearing, so why not try a little pre-emptive warm up exercise so that your poor ears can build up a bit of a tolerance to all the pain and suffering you’re going to inflict on them this weekend? Might I suggest turning up your volume and listening to “Turn It Up”, the latest leaked track from Paris Hilton’s forthcoming contribution to the pantheon of ill-conceived musical endeavors. Interestingly enough, if you put on headphones and listen to the song while watching the first three minutes of You Got Served, you will actually see God, and he will regretfully inform you that he is dead and life is meaningless. But hey, at least now you can finally stop listening to “Stars Are Blind” over and over.
I’m mad at MTV. Back in the good old days (the 90′s) I’d get excited for holiday weekends because you knew it meant MTV would roll out one of their patented Top 200 Videos Of All Time specials that would air non-stop and inevitably finish with “Smells Like Teen Spirit” or “Thriller” in the number 1 spot. Those were the best! Nowadays, they don’t do that anymore. In fact, the only marathon I could find on TV this weekend is the Grounded For Life marathon on Fox and honestly, that just doesn’t do it for me.
But what else is on this weekend? Well, tonight Fox is continuing to bust out this past season of 24 in two-hour increments, so that’s definitely worth watching. The Henry Rollins Show welcomes Billy Bob Thornton tomorrow night which should be interesting. And on Sunday we have the full HBO lineup complete with Deadwood, Entourage, Lucky Louis, and the Dane Cook show nobody likes. So what are YOU watching this weekend? Vote now!
Rob Schneider was taken to the hospital after collapsing from food poisoning and heat exhaustion during the filming of his upcoming movie Big Stan.
Food poisoning and heat exhaustion, eh? I don’t believe. I think this was an act of God. Just look at the IMDB plot outline:
A weak con man panics when he learns he’s going to prison for fraud. He hires a mysterious martial arts guru who helps transform him into a martial arts expert who can fight off inmates who want to hurt or love him.
After letting Little Man get off scott-free, clearly the Big Guy is trying to make it up to us. Thanks… we owe you.
We all remember Al Gore’s mysterious revelation to Jay Leno that he’s been feuding with Lindsay Lohan. And how could we ever forget the scorching heat constantly emanating from deep within her firecrotch? But is there such a thing as too hot? And if there is, are we ignoring the global threat this raging heat source could be posing? Well, I think the answer to all these riddles can be found in the following trailer for An Inconvenient Proposal, Al Gore’s searing examination of Lindsay Lohan’s menace to life on Earth as we know it:
- Nick and Jessica are incredibly close to finalizing their divorce. Finally, they’ll be able to start hooking up with other people again.
- Lil’ Kim gets out of jail on Monday. She plans on heading into the studio to begin work on a new album, but not before she f**ks everybody on the East Coast for old times’ sake.
- Freddie Prinze Jr. is proud to be considered one of Hollywood’s best pranksters. Well, at least he’s considered something in Hollywood.
- David Hasselhoff required emergency surgery after slicing a tendon in his hand during a bizarre shaving accident. Germany breathes a long sigh of relief.
- CBS sports reporter Lesley Visser has become the first female to be elected into the Football Hall of Fame. Immediately after the announcement, Joe Namath called to find out if he could kiss her too.
It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, June 29th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including Gameshow Marathon, Master of Champions, and Making The Band!
- PROTEST: Pamela Anderson would rather be naked than wear fur. Hey, I’d rather her be naked than wear fur too! (WWTDD)
- GOOD NEWS/ BAD NEWS: Madonna is giving up acting… but she’s taking up directing. So close! (Hollyscoop)
- GOOD NEWS/ GOOD NEWS: Pulp is reissuing three of their classic albums this summer, complete with B-sides, demos & rarities. Yes! (Pitchforkmedia)
- BELIEVE IT OR NOT: It’s actually more entertaining to read about So You Think You Can Dance? than to watch it. (TVGasm)
- OUTFIT: Jodie Marsh sported a belt to the premiere of Just My Luck in England… and that’s about it. Thumbnails are NSFW (A Socialite’s Life)
The official “announcement” trailer is up for next summer’s live action Transformers movie (have fun trying to load the now massively-trafficked site). I really don’t understand all the rabid Internet frenzy for this flick. Yes, I loved the cartoons and toys growing up. Yes, I’ve always wondered what those robo-vehicles would look like in real life. And yes, I think it would be fun to watch a fleet of Decepticons completely annihilate an entire city (especially if it was Los Angeles). But there’s a very big deal-breaking factor that no one seems to be acknowledging: his name is Michael “cameras flying around while sh*t blows up” Bay, and he’s the director Hollywood has entrusted with the task of bringing this prized property to the big screen. Why they would give this awesome assignment to the creative genius behind The Island, Pearl Harbor and Armageddon, I have no idea – but I really resent the fact his hacky brand of bad filmmaking is going to ruin my precious childhood memories the way Optimus Prime could ruin a Toyota Corolla.
Nothing lasts forever, especially not talk show hosts – just ask Star Jones. But while some TV departures leave you thinking, “Don’t go!” (UPGRADE), others make you mutter, “Good riddance” (DOWNGRADE). Tell us which of these famous farewells was a sweet sorrow, and which ones were just sweet.
About five minutes ago I was feeling kind of down. Kind of lame. Kind of uncool. Then I watched this video dropped by Jim and suddenly everything is right again. Watch Tak’s “I Am So Cool” right this second. It’s guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself– and not just because of the positive message in the lyrics. You’ll see.
There are so many undeserved internet stars out there. Tak deserves. Please, pass this on, and then Drop something of your own! I am so Cool!