The Emmys are over, and by now we’ve all seen a little nipple and a whole lot of Piven. So what’s left? Well, we have some awards For Your Consideration that need to be doled out for the Red Carpet pre-Emmy coverage. We won’t keep you waiting… the nominees are:

We’re definitely going to be having nightmares about that Barry Bonds Neck tonight. You?

Paris Hilton, Pampered In More Ways Than One


PARISHILTON44.JPGPar-Par Hilton has purchased a $195,000 ticket on Richard Branson‘s yet-to-be-built space ship (Paging George Jetson: It won’t happen.) But because of the lack of a bathroom on board, the normally commando Hilty will have to wear a diaper. Now, we’re almost positive that Paris doesn’t really use bathrooms, even here on solid ground. Hilton was nearly sued by a cab driver in January who claims that she peed in the back of his cab. And a very reliable source of ours claims Paris once squatted down in the corner of a Jamaican club, skirt at waist, pissing all over the floor. In our opinion, diapers would be a great improvement — and frankly, we’d pay $200,000 out of our own pocket to send Paris into space. We believe this is what game theorists and greedy people call a “win-win” situation. It just depends on how you look at it…. and zing.

ICYMI: TV’s Worst Talk Show Hosts


We love lists and we love YouTube, so when Gorillamask directed us to a list of the Ten Worst TV Talk Show Hosts– complete with clips and all– we were elated. That was until we saw the one-and-only Tony Danza listed at #10. Long time readers know that we LOVE Danza, and his inclusion here is absolutely unwarrented. Jenny Jones, Magic Johnson and Chevy Chase– they deserve it. But not our Danza. Click here to read the list and watch the clips. And do yourself a favor- watch the clip of The Chevy Chase Show below. Now THAT was awful.

SIZZLER: Voight’s Senile Salutation


voightTMZ.JPGIf estranged grandfather Jon Voight ever hopes to get far enough back into the good graces of enstranged daughter Angelina Jolie to see his grandkids, he’d better start brushing up on a few important details: like their names. When offering birthday wishes to Jolie’s son Maddox during this recent red-carpet interview, Voight also tried to send his best to “Shakira”, the Latin-American pop singer whose name he presumably mistook for that of his 1 1/2 year-old grand-daughter Zahara. It’s a pretty embarassing mistake, but at least he didn’t tack on “or Jihad or Timba or Mojibimbo or whatever the hell stupid African name their do-gooder mother gave them” to the end of his greeting.

The Reason Your Husband Is Having An Affair.


Laaaadieeeees! Are you wondering where your husband is late at night? Why, when you go to kiss him in the evening — to quote my favorite Maury Povich guest of all time — “his mouth smells like straight-up p****”? Well, maaaaybe it’s because you’re a worthless housewife who can’t make a cup of coffee worth a damn. If this sounds like you, watch the following Folger’s commercial from the 1950’s, and try your best to scrap together the final dregs of your failed relationship.

ICYMI: Pee Diddy


On the latest intallment of the P. Diddy’s bizarre YouTube podcast series Diddy TV, the Bad Boy mogul makes us privy to his time in the privy, and allows us to witness the entire glorious experience of relieving himself of last night’s Cristal. It’s truly a sight to behold (just be sure wash your hands, and your eyes, afterwards):

While You Were Back To Blaming The Parents


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  • John Mark Karr wanted Johnny Depp to portray him in a movie based on a manuscript he authored. The tentative title: Not-Quite-21 Jump Street.
  • Mick Jagger uses an auto-cue machine on stage to help him remember the words to his songs. The idea was inspired by the auto-cue machine above his mattress.
  • Paris Hilton is infuriating movie bosses by refusing to work with any of the leading men picked for her new film The Hottie And The Nottie. Something something something, I bet she still f**ked them.
  • Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson have reportedly reunited just two weeks after they split. Presumably because nobody was interested in another Chris Robinson solo project.
  • Angelina Jolie may have upset Brad Pitt’s mom by having an open bar at Maddox’s fifth birthday party. Angelina argues that she didn’t have a choice- she had to find a way to top the strippers she brought in last year.




  • SPORTS ENDORSEMENTS: While Madonna is busy designing cheap polyester track suits for entry-level pimps, Jennifer Aniston collaboes with Nike… and not in an ad for Tampax, thankfully.
  • REMINDER OF LIFE’S CRUELTIES: The Academy Awards won their 34th Emmy yesterday (which, in our opinion, is like giving a Webby Award to the Nobel Prize website), making the Oscars only second to Frasier, who has the most Emmy wins at 37. And somewhere, a shriveled, miniature David Hyde Pierce sheds a tear for his livelihood.
  • EERIE-TO-AMAZING RESEMBLANCE: At first, we were upset that Ashlee Simpson would dare alter her natural beauty with plastic surgery. But hell – the girl looks like Heidi Klum! Sign us up.
  • BECAUSE CLEAVAGE HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE: Clothes Off Our Backs is already auctioning off Emmy dresses from last night. Don’t worry, gents, you can even buy Jeremy Piven‘s sunglasses! (Hair plugs not included.)
  • BLOGGER THANK YOU: We realize you’ve been inundated with Emmy coverage today. As a thank you, enjoy this video of a dog walking in boots. (with thanks to The Apiary)