While You Were Downgrading Wilmer

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nicole and the bowl

  • Jake Gyllenhaal claims he’ll wear a Santa’s hat on his penis to win a film role. In fact he’ll do anything to land the lead in Sex the Halls or Christmas with the Yanks.
  • Pam Anderson wants advertisers to stop using apes in commercials. They’re taking work from big-breasted women.
  • Andy Dick gets in a bar fight in Pennsylvania. At least that’s what he’s calling it, now that he’s back in L.A. and far from the guy who kicked his ass.
  • Nicole Richie’s sidekick has everything she needs. And we don’t mean the handheld one.

UPGRADE/DOWNGRADE: Unlikely Lotharios

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fez.jpgDuring last week’s examination of Heather Locklear’s romance resume, I was left scratching my head over how many losers the stunning blonde had offered entrance into her bedroom, thus begging the further question: Who are Hollywood’s Most Unlikely Ladies Men?

Use your best judgement of character to tell us which of these schlubs have “a really good personality” (UPGRADE) and which ones have “a really good supply of roofies” (DOWNGRADE).

PROPPED: The Blaine in the Bubble

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drownedalive-popbytes1.jpgProps to Popbytes who left this exclusive picture of David Blaine in speedos training for his next big stunt in our Drop It section. In case you haven’t heard, the master illusionist is planning to spend a week on display in a globe-shaped aquarium. He’s been training all week and so far he’s only blacked out once. Sure it’s no easy feat, but I think Wayne Coyne already did this stunt at Coachella a couple years back, and he managed to wear a suit.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Stephen Colbert For President

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colbert.jpg“Fox news gives you both sides of every story– The President’s side and the Vice President’s side.”

People are going NUTS over Stephen Colbert’s speech from Saturday’s White House Correspondents’ dinner. A feature about it over at The Huffington Post has already elicited 1,550 comments (and counting), most of them calling him a genius. The response over at Fox News… probably not as positive. Either way- liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican, there’s one thing we can all agree on: Stephen Colbert has balls.

Get the full video here or here. Read the transcript here. And remember… our president was there in the crowd, enjoying the whole thing. I know he’s “The Decider”, but I have a feeling whoever decided to invite Colbert to speak is going to be in a lot of trouble today.

LISTEN UP: Your Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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    tracy ullman

  • Remember when Tracy Ullman had a show with crude little cartoon segments that distracted from her musical numbers? Lost in the 80′s does. Check out the video for the comedienne’s 80′s single, They Don’t Know.
  • The #1 Songs in Heaven hosts Stevie Wonder’s You Can’t Judge a Book by its Cover from his 1970 album Signed, Sealed, Delivered. Luckily this song was never co-opted by You’ve Got Mail.

  • Moistworks has an early rendition of I’d Rather Drink Muddy Water by swinging cats The Cats and The Fiddle.
  • If you like Mohawks and hate Faux-hawks, Large Hearted Boy has a song for you by the Panda Band
  • Stereogum has two versions of The Last Beat of My Heart. One by Siouxsie and The Banshees and the other covered by DeVotchka. Both rock DeRocka.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Robin Williams Declares Jihad On Your Nerves

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rv.jpg1. Through the magic of movies, you can now experience what it would actually feel like to be stuck in a small space with Robin Williams for hours on end – $16.4 million

2. Hollywood said ‘let’s roll’, helping us to ‘never forget’ that it’s ‘never too soon’ to cash in on the deaths of thousands – $11.6 million

3. So your top three movie choices this week were Robin Williams in a motorhome, suffering through 9/11 again, or spending some time with super-enthusiastic teenage girl gymnasts – and the gymnasts came in 3rd – $11.3 million

4. Do I really have to go see this movie just to find out why the girl on the poster doesn’t have a mouth? – $9.3 million

5. Keenan-Ivory Wayans uses another batch of lame, super-obvious, reheated, Leno-esque Brokeback-referencing pop culture schticks to say to American moviegoers: “I’m gonna get your money, sucka!” – $7.8 million

It’s Monday; What’s up?

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tv set.jpgGuys breaking out of prison, Charlie Sheen with another one and a half men, people investigating Crime Scenes in Miami and another Jack Bauer power hour. It must be Monday. What are you watching tonight? Vote now!

SIZZLER: Keith Richards Injured

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keith richardsSomething happened to Keith Richards over the weekend but we’re not sure what. The 62 year-old Rolling Stones guitarist was flown from Fiji via helicopter to New Zealand for observation at a local hospital after he suffered a mild concussion. Meanwhile there has been confusion over reports of how exactly he was injured. While some reports claims he was hurt after he fell out of a palm tree, others say the injury happened when he fell off a jet ski. Okay so he fell off of something. Would it happened to have been a wagon?

While You Were Picking May Flowers

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    paris hilton.jpg
  • Rosie O’Donnell’s new View contract stipulates that she cannot cut her hair. They want her to keep it long and flowing in an attempt to capture the coveted 18-35 year-old Guys Who Like Ugly Chicks demographic.
  • Paula Abdul has revealed that Michael Bolton used to be her babysitter. Looking for work, Bolton responds that he’s still available if anybody needs him to watch their kids.
  • Paris Hilton has announced that she thinks smoking is “so sexy.” The statement outraged parents everywhere, who are now forced to reconsider whether or not the allegedly herpes-ridden, talentless hotel heiress is the role model they thought she was.
  • The Fox Reality Channel is planning a new reality series titled My Bare Lady, where cameras follow American Porn Stars as they ready themselves for a performance on London’s West End. It promises a ton of hot girl-on-girl thesbian action.
  • Tom Cruise has hired a staffer to monitor his garbage. Staffer gives M:I::3 one star.
  • Most people prefer Robin Williams over 9/11. Whereas I happen to think it’s a draw.

BEST NIGHT EVER: Sunday, April 30th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, April 30th! Robin Hopkins is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including SNL, The Sopranos, Desperate Housewives, and Grey’s Anatomy!