Dancing with the “Stars”, Sarcasm Quotes Not Included


lopez.jpgThere’s no question about it: ABC’s Dancing with the Stars is a television sensation. I know this because I would receive weekly recaps from my mother about how charming “that guy from Seinfeld” is, surely a sign that it had broken through to the mainstream. TMZ.com has gotten their hands on the celebrity roster for next season, and let’s just say the circa-1992 eighth grader in us is preeeettttty psyched. Because, ladies and gentlemen, both Blossom‘s Joey “Whoa” Lawrence and Saved By The Bell‘s Mario “Check out my Skidz” Lopez are slated to appear on the show! And don’t you dare fret, Women of a Certain Age, because L.A. Law‘s own Harry Hamlin will also be on hand to stir all of your post-menopausal juices. So set yout Tivo’s to “Heart Throb”, and tune in for the new season on September 12th.

P.S.: If these moves tell you anything, Slater has got this one all bagged up.

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever


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  • Cee-Lo– the man who provides the gnarls in Gnarls Barkley– recorded an original track for the Snakes On A Plane soundtrack. Head over to Gorilla vs. Bear to download the best movie soundtrack song since Hammer tackled The Addams Family.
  • Today Fluxblog posted “Infected Girls” by Electric Six, the best track about girls with vd… um… ever?
  • Looking At Them has a great mix posted today with tracks by Neko Case, Belle & Sebastian, Cake Like and so much more.
  • Disco-Not-Disco has me missing the 90′s with tracks by Porno For Pyros, Sonic Youth and The Flaming Lips. I’m resisting the urge to say “I Love the 90′s” for obvious reasons.
  • And finally, you should head over to Said The Gramophone and download the original rendition of “Green Grass” by Tom Waits. I’m in a bit of a Waits kick right now, so please bear with me.

Investors Pull Out of Dakota Fanning…’s Rape Movie


dakota1.jpgMaybe you’ve already heard that “Apple of America’s Eye”© Dakota Fanning is in the midst of filming Hounddog, a movie which, thanks to a couple of run-of-the-mill child rape scenes, is drawing loads upon loads of press. Fanning’s parents defend the role, explaining that little Dakota is in dire need of an Oscar, and it’s gonna take a good old-fashioned rape scene to guilt the Academy into forking one over. Well, apparently, investors in the movie decided that their money was better off going to back other projects, like a film where Haley Joel Osment plays an abusive pimp, or one where Jonathan Lipnicki dons a Tom Cruise facemask and slaughters a coupla babies — point being, they are withdrawing their funds. Hopefully, Fanning can strike another deal with the Devil and find the money to keep this film rolling, because it looks like it might be the most disturbingly nightmare-inducing film of all time.

For investor’s looking for another project to sink their cash into, how about Johnny Postal, where Natalie Portman is slated to play a troubled hooker alongside Blondie’s Deborah Harry. Now that’s the kind of deviant sex America can stand behind!

PISSLER: Pink & Yellow


pink peeing.jpgCelebrities are just like us! Specifically, they’re just like us after a dozen beers tailgating at a Dave Matthews concert when the line to the Port-A-Potty is stretching around the parking lot and we don’t think we can hold it that long.

The eternally classy Pink took a break from criticizing her contemporaries like Britney Spears & Paris Hilton to enjoy some quailty me pee time over the weekend. Naturally, the paparazzi was there to snap a few pics and leak them on the web. Yep. I said leak.

You can head over to BlogNYC to see the candid photos right now, or you can wait a couple of hours until they’re posted on every fetish site on the net. It’s totally up to you.

Pink… *sigh*…Stupid girl. Stupid, stupid girl.

Mel Gibson’s Third Apology


erotic cake.jpgA lot of people have been discussing Mel’s second apology following his drunk driving, slur-slipping arrest last week. If you recall, his first apology was directed to… well, nobody really, while his second apology focused on the Jews (you know, those people who start the wars.) Well, that wasn’t enough.

There was another victim the night of Mel’s arrest (and no, I’m not talking about all of the helpless gossip bloggers who are forced to write about this.) If you head over the Huffington Post you can read Mel’s third, and perhaps most poignant apology to date.

Don’t do it for me, and don’t do it for Mel. Do it for the Sugar Tits.

ICYMI: The New Borat Trailer is Mindblowing


Suffice it to say, no upcoming movie release has captured our attention more than Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (it’s official title). While star Sacha Baron Cohen is taking heat for manipulating innocent redneck members of the American public, this brand new trailer makes us want to camp out for the opening day, replete with moustaches on our lips and hearts on our sleeves.

Gwyneth Paltrow To Be Chased by Angry Mob


PALTROW.JPGGwyneth Paltrow has finally admitted what the public has been thinking for years: Bitch is huge. Of course, we’re kidding. Girl could twist herself into a yoga pretzel, hang from a street vendor’s cart, sell for $1, and no one would blink a flaxen eyelash. The Shallow Hal star has told friends that since the birth of her babies, she’s developed these weird “lumps” on her body — not realizing that those things are in fact breasts, and that they’re supposed to be there. Paltrow, famous for her macrobiotic diet and killer dutch ovens, is debating getting plastic surgery to smooth the milimeter of body fat that is keeping her up at nights. But judging from these pictures recently taken at an effing modeling shoot, Paltrow looks as beautiful as ever. So either she can accept herself for who she is — a successful, willowy actress — or shut her trap, open her nostrils, and take up cocaine like the rest of us.

CAPTION THIS: Hezbollah On a Dance Floor



Look, I’ll be honest – I have no idea what’s going on with the whole Israel/Palestine/Hezbollah thing right now. I don’t really read the news unless it involves Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Tom Cruise or David Hasselhoff, so all this violence in the Middle East is pretty confusing for me. Thank god Madonna was there to explain to us the complexities of this conflict upon the chiseled bodies of her shirtless backup dancers during a recent performance.

ICYMI: Mel Gets Mashed Again


Jew thought Mel Mania Week was over, didn’t jew? Well jew were wrong, because the anti-Semitic fun has just begun! Besides, what would any good scandal be without at least one resulting internet mash-up? That’s why jew should check out this hilarious parody trailer for Mel Gibson’s Signs: of Anti-Semitism by Steven Santos and BWE’s own editor Marcos Levy (who’s also partly responsible for all the wars in the world).

(Digg this here)

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: You’re My Boy, Ricky Bobby!


rickybobby.jpg1. The trailer alone had more funny in it than every comedy Hollywood has crapped out so far this year (except for Little Man – that was HILARIOUS!), so this isn’t particularly surprising. And people really, really love watching Will Ferrell yell and scream – $47 million

2. I guess Babe, Chicken Run and Racing Stripes just couldn’t feed America’s insatiable appetite for animated manure$16 million

3. Man, do you guys have any idea what a person can do with eleventy bajillion dollars? Cause there are a couple dudes at Disney who would really love to know – $11 million

4. Seeing that Miami Vice had dropped three places after last week’s #1 opening, Don Johnson threw down his morning paper, punched his maid in the face, and spent the rest of the day leaving Colin Farrell nasty voice messages about what happens when you try to f*ck over Don Johnson – $9.7 million

5. This movie is almost as scary as the fact that M. Night Shamalamadingdong thinks he’s still an important filmmaker – $8.8 million