SIZZLER: Team Firecrotch Forms Evil Lair


parisandbrandon.jpgThe latest report from Hollyweird is that Brandon Davis has moved in with Paris Hilton, leaving them approximately one Joe Francis short of forming an Algonquin roundtable of retardation more powerful than anything the world has ever known. Even briefly dipping one’s toe into the pool of moronic possibility this unholy union creates, the mind is immediately left reeling. All their boozing, whoring and sweating (looking at you, Brandon) aside, just imagine what something as mundane as dinnertable banter might sound like in this B-list brothel:

Bradon: Lindsay Lohan has a firecrotch.
Paris: That’s hot.
Brandon: Firecrotch.
Paris: Hot.

And on and on for all of eternity. Somebody might as well go ahead and add this odd couple to the list of 10,000 Reasons Civilization Is Doomed.

EXCLUSIVE: Nick & Jessica’s Awkard Moment!


Other than the bright future of K-Fed’s rap career (so bright, he has to wear FUBU shades), the big story from this week’s Teen Choice Awards was speculation about what would happen if no-longer-weds Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson ran into each other at the show, thus creating a vortex of tabloid-fantasy awkwardness. After receiving a tip that they did in fact share a brief exchange, our crack team of hard-hitting newspeople has been pounding the pavement to find footage of the encounter, and after much difficulty (and a couple of casualties), we have victoriously obtained this exclusive clip of the post-breakup run-in the world has been waiting to see!

ICYMI: Idiot Killed the Video Site


Inexplicably ignoring their own rules prohibiting pornography, YouTube has allowed Paris Hilton to post the following video clip (Internet videos are her best medium), in which which she tries rather desperately to string together enough complete sentences to form a semi-coherent “buy my album” plea to all the teenage girls who tape themselves doing booty-dances to Chingy songs they later post on the video site. Behold the power of the internet, harnessed and manifest in the form of a poorly filmed plug from a spoiled pseudo-celeb shamelessly trying to pimp her joke of a music career! Of course, we’re only helping her…

Tom Cruise [Insert Movie Pun Here] Paramount!


As you may have heard, Paramount pictures dumped Tom Cruise yesterday. Thankfully, the folks who write newspaper headlines were armed and ready with some corny movie-title puns to walk us through what happened.
tom crazy.jpg

I’m disappointed. Cruise made more than four movies, people. Utilize them. Like:

Paramount Days Far & Away
Fired (After) The Fourth Of July
Cruise Cock-Tails It Out Of Paramount
All The Wrong Moves
Tom Loses It For Losin’ It
Tom ‘Taps’ Out
Majority Reports: Get Tom Outta Here!
Tom Gets The Firm Goodbye
A Few Good Men Tell Tom To Go The F**k Away

Show some creativity, headline writers. Please. Now it’s your turn. Leave your Tom gets axed headlines in the comments.

While You Were Cleaning the Junk from Your Trunk…



  • An ad depicting Britney Spears completely naked and overly pregnant was deemed too “stimulating” for the Tokyo metro. Funny, that’s the same excuse Kevin Federline gives Britney when she’s in the mood… “Sorry, babe, you’re just too… stimulating.”
  • Superman is engaged! Thank you, Brandon Routh, for finally being brave enough to speak out about wax figures getting married. Tell the government to go to hell with all their “laws.”
  • Saturday Night Live‘s Lorne Michaels will be cutting 4 people from the late night roster. Unless one of them drops dead from a drug overdose or freak accident, then he’ll only cut 3.
  • Over 100 theatergoers walked out on Meryl Streep and Kevin Kline‘s performance of Bertolt Brecht in Central Park yesterday, citing the play “too boring.” As a result, Streep and Kline plan to spice things up next year, with a hot performance of “Sesame Street Live!”
  • Hollywood prettyboy Jesse Metcalfe has insulted British men, criticizing their poor grooming habits and laziness. Why so defensive, Jesse? Maybe because deep down inside, you’re British after all?

EXCLUSIVE IM-TERVIEW: ‘Snakes on a Plane’ Tattoo Guy!


SoaPtattoo.jpgAs the wave of frenzy surrounding Snakes on a Plane has finally crested and now rolls its way back to the ocean of pop culture curiosities, we’re left with only the aftermath of this epic Internet phenomenon. For most of us, SoaP will soon be synonymous with other odd-but-now-forgotten cinematic obsessions such as the Ernest Goes To (Blank) movies, Robocop, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. But for one man, Snakes on a Plane Mania will – quite literally – live on forever. Jim Dozier (nicknamed “Doz”) was so enamored with the idea of a film about deadly reptiles loose on a commercial airliner that he had its logo prominently tattooed on his left bicep – before he’d even seen the movie! As this left us utterly baffled, we had no choice but to seek out this amazing specimen of a man and demand an explanation for what could motivate one to do such a seemingly ridiculous thing. We chatted earlier this afternoon via IM, and the transcript of that conversation can be read – nay, studied and extensively contemplated! – after the jump. If you’re as impressed as we were by this man’s bold commitment to unflinching SoaP awesomeness, PLEASE take a moment and vote for Doz to win the Snakes on a Plane #1 Fan Sweepstakes. We’re pretty sure that he’s earned it.

Read more…




  • WISHFUL THINKING CATFIGHT: Looks like Jake Gyllenhaal‘s banana-seat performance is beating out Matthew McConaughey‘s in the race to play Lance Armstrong. Hopefully, Matt will be offered the backup role as Lance’s younger, more flexible brother, Stretch. (
  • CROSS-CULTURALISM, PART I: Will Smith‘s production company will be producing two Bollywood movies for the booming Indian film industry. In other news, DJ Jazzy Jeff just made some instant Indian food, sat down on a milk crate, and had a good cry. (Zap 2 It)
  • HILARIOUS DEADLY SCARE: Pranksters let loose two real life snakes in an Arizona screening of Snakes on a Plane. Except, in this “movie”, a 14-year-old white kid with few friends and cystic acne was given the task to get the motherf***in’ snakes out of the motherf***in’ theater, using a broom handle and a motherf***in’ garbage bag. (Orlando’s Local 6)
  • CROSS-CULTURALISM, PART II: Page Six is rumoring today that the new Surivivor season will be dividing teams up by race: White, Black, Hispanic and Asian. It is impossible to say anything here and not sound racist, so we just want to wish the teams good luck and oh my god is this awkward. (NY Post)
  • GIFT IDEA: What do you get the R. Kelly who has everything? Why, “Golden Pickle Juice Sport” of course! (Pickle Juice Sport)

What Paul Learned From Snakes On A Plane


soap1.jpgBWE’s Paul Scheer was one of X amount of people (X= $15.2m/avg ticket price) who saw Snakes On A Plane over the weekend. And like X people, he left with a lot more knowledge about snakes, planes, and snakes on planes than those of us who missed it.

  • Snakes are not indigenous to Hawaii.
  • Don’t leave your can of Red Bull at a crime scene.
  • Snakes can not get into 1st class.
  • Always pack a bow and arrow in luggage just in case the hero of your flight needs a weapon while he/she is in the cargo hold.
  • Rich British people are assholes.
  • The snake guy who lives in the desert is probably up to no good.
  • Snakes are attracted to breasts, specifically hot girl’s nipples.

To read what else Paul learned, click here!