Are Sexasaurses Having The Best Week Ever?

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R_kelly
R. Kelly
returned to New York this week for the first time since 2004. Well, on behalf of all New York, allow me to say that he was missed. During last night’s sold out Radio City Music Hall show, R previewed an unreleased song titled "The Zoo" that contained the following lyrics:

"It’s like Jurassic Park, but I’m your Sexasaurus" and "You and me hopping like two kangaroos… you got me locked in your cage of ecstasy and I don’t want to be free… I’m your Tarzan and you’re my Jane." Wow. Just. Wow.

I for one think it’s about time Sexasauruses got their due. I’ve seen all three Jurassic Park movies, and not once did they talk about the Sexasaurus. Kudos to R. Kelly for stepping up and bringing this extinct-but-not-forgotten dinosaur to the attention of the American Public for the first time… ever.  Oh, and for the record, accused pedophile R. Kelly has titled his next album Making Babies. Thankfully he does not go into specifics as to what he’s making them do, exactly. But you can imagine. [Read the MTV News article here ]

What Are The Worst Albums Ever?

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Bruce

Q Magazine published it’s list of the 50 worst albums ever made.  I can’t believe Naomi Campbell’s techno-diva album Babywoman and Bruce Willis’s bluesy The Return of Bruno made the list. Those are classics of the humiliating celebrity side project genre.

But the number #1 worst album ever made according to the magazine? Duran Duran’s Thank You, an album in which the 80′s rockers cover songs by legends like Bob Dylan, Lou Reed and Grandmaster Flash. I guess it was just their little way of saying thank you for not having to write new music.

View the entire list of the 50 worst albums ever after the jump. Then tell us which albums you think should have made the list…

Read more…

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Reality Stars are Scary

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I don’t know how I missed it, but The Scorned,the first horror film starring only reality stars debuted on DVD last week. The directors cut/unrated version explains all the mysteries and artistic intentions of the film a.k.a gratuitous reality boobies.  Enjoy the varied acting styles of Bob "The goofy Bachelor" Guiney, Jenna Lewis, Ethan Zohn, Johnny Fairplay, Trishelle Cantella Durtiz and other reality stars who made the poor career choice to star in this movie. Watch the trailer for The Scorned. I guarantee you it’s not half as scary as E’s Kill Reality, the reality show based on the making of this movie.

GAMES: Keep Katie Quiet

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Keep_katie_quiet
Since it’s impossible to avoid Tom & Katie today, I’m just going to accept it and post this ridiculous game to keep myself occupied. It’s called Keep Katie Quiet, and here’s the description:

Catch Tom’s Crazy pills to keep Katie Quiet during Pregnancy or Xenu
will come and take her away! Will Katie be completely Silent during
birth in accordance with Scientology”s completely rational beliefs?
Its up to you to protect her from the evil alien overlord Xenu.

Good luck! Thanks to PopSugar for helping me waste the day away. Click here to play.

TomKat: the Afterbirth

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Tomkatafter
After months of speculation, anticipation and no small amount of skepticism, the day has finally come and gone: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have brought a new life into the world.  But now that the pregnancy circus is pulling out of gossip town, what’s next for the world’s Hollyweirdest couple? 

First of all, Tom has indefinitely cancelled all press appearances for his upcoming summer blockbuster/career killer, Mission:Impossible 3, which is news I know at least one person is going to take pretty hard.  Next, as the cruel hand of fate would have it, Tom Cruise and his natal arch-nemesis Brooke Shields had their new children ON THE SAME DAY, forever entwining the destinies of their offspring.  This will also give the whole world a very public opportunity to observe the post-partum challenges and behavior of one woman who doesn’t believe in psychiatric medication, and one woman who isn’t crazy. 

So just because the baby is finally born and you’re not going to get to see anymore pictures of Katie Holmes out shopping with a basketball stuffed under shirt, there’s still plenty more juice left in this fruit basket of absurdity.

LISTEN UP: Your Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Cloudcult_1Gothamist has two songs from The Cloud Cult that have been deemed good enough to receive music criticism’s highest honor – comparison to Arcade Fire.
  • ProductshopNYC has a boatload of downloads, with everyone from Miles Davis to Portishead to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.
  • Said the Gramphone becomes eclectic with three interesting songs from Danielson, The Doers, and Charles Aznavour.
  • I’m Just Sayin’ Is All has some nice cuts from Tilly & the Wall, CocoRosie and Arab Strap
  • Pound For Pound has a couple tracks from the new Flaming Lips album, At War With the Mystics.

SIZZLER: Lachey’s Marriage is a Bust

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U585cover_2 In this upcoming issue of Rolling Stone Magazine, Nick Lachey comes clean about separation from Jessica Simpson. The former Newlywed said that he stills loves her, that Joe Simpson influenced their marriage, that he still doesn’t know whether she cheated on him and that he was ‘told’ he would be getting a divorce.

Look, Jessica’s no angel, but she’s not all to blame. Judging from this cover of US Weekly, Nick always had to have the bigger cleavage.

While You Were Smoking A Stogie For Suri

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  • Mary_j
    Michael Jackson
    will release an album in ’07. You will be allowed to ironically enjoy it by ’12.
  • Mary J. Blige says God wants her to "bling", and to be the hottest thing this year. Proving once and for all that even though He may be your co-pilot, deep down The Man is a P.I.M.P.
  • Sienna Miller has been receiving death threats. Insiders say police are baffled and are having a hard time trying to figure out why anybody would care about Sienna Miller.
  • There are rumors that someone’s leaving the OC. Someone besides millions of viewers, that is.
  • Speaking of leaving, Eva Longoria is ready to leave Desperate Housewives… to become one.
  • And finally, David Hasselhoff has revealed he had a "spiritual calling" to change peoples’ lives for the better. In a related story, David Hasselhoff has announced that he will never release another album ever, ever again.