SIZZLER: The Hoff Seeks A Mate


hasselkate.JPGWatch out ladies, The Hoff is on the prowl!

The newly single Knight Rider has announced that he’s ready to date again. So what’s The Hoff looking for in a woman? One word: Fame.

“I’m looking for a woman who’s more famous than me. Kate Beckinsale. I whispered in her ear the other day on the red carpet, ‘I’ll give you everything I have.’ She just laughed. But, you know, when she met me she seemed very excited. But she’s happily married, so nothing’s going to happen.”

So BeckinHoff is not meant to be. That’s fine- he can do much better in the nickname department anyway. Click below to find who we think he should set his sites on. Because it’s only a matter of time before we’re blessed with a LoHoff.

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ICYMI: Best Movie Trailer of All Time? Def.


We want to meet the genius who posted this trailer for Steve Guttenberg‘s turn as Lobo Morongo in the movie Don’t Tell Her It’s Me. On second thought, we want to meet the director who cocked Guttenberg’s head just so during the douche-chilliest monologue of all time, and the hairstylist who permed the mullet-wig, and, of course, Kyle Mclachlan (some things never change).

(Forever indebted to Julia for the vid.)

American Idol Song-o-Tron 2000


hicks.jpgAmerican Idol auditions are right around the corny, and this season is (cue publicist’s dummy) sure to be the best one yet. For the first time ever, producers of the show are giving the American songwriting public a chance to pen the big closing number sung on the show’s final episode. Because we care, we’ve put together a Mad Libs style song entry, so each and every one of you can enter. Get out a pen and paper, write down a word for each number. Then, after the jump, plug it into your new hit song, and mail it off to the show. We’ll let you know which one of you wins in about 7 months time.

1. Object; 2. Location; 3. Body Part; 4. Verb; 5. Adjective; 6. Noun; 7. Verb; 8. Noun; 9. Verb; 10. Noun; 11. Name; 12. Exclamation; 13. Noun; 14. Exclamation; 15. Noun

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ICYMI: Thanks For the Add, Bob Dylan!


dylanmyspace.jpgSome unknown indie-rocker who goes by the name Bob Dylan is the latest musician to use MySpace as a DIY way to get the word out about their music. He doesn’t have nearly as many friends as legitimate talents like Tila Tequila and Dane Cook and his picture is pretty emo, but this Dylan guy’s little songs “Mr. Tambourine Man”, “Like A Rolling Stone”, “Lay Lady Lay” and “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” are available for listening on his profile page so you can decide whether or not he’s worth an add. Here’s what one commenter is already saying about him:


NEWSFLASH: Britney Spears Looks Bad


Check out these before and after pictures of Britney Spears from a Glamour Magazine photo shoot taken earlier this year. Spears, who came to the photoshoot looking like a feral child discovered underneath a porch somewhere in Alabama, is airbrushed to near perfection. The hair goes from tranny wig to coiffed, the skin from Edward James Olmos to Almost Perfect. But you know what they can’t airbrush? The vast and infinite emptiness that lay beneath her pupils. The eyes do not lie, people. (via ONTD)


Lone Gardener Battles Against CBS’s Faggotry


cbs_logo_240_001.jpgIf you signed up for e-mail updates about landscaping from, you also signed up for CEO Troy Hake’s angry missives about the homosexuality he witnessed on CBS during the previous night’s episodes of Without A Trace and Cold Case. Normally a mild-mannered purveyor of soil products, Hake suddenly hulks out into a pissed off Pat Robertson when his normal night of god-fearing family entertainment featuring kidnappings and grisly murders solved by heterosexual crime-fighters is interrupted by two consecutive hours of what he describes as “gay feelings” and “lesbianism”. But Troy is no hate-mongering fag-basher:

Now, I am NOT trying to bash homosexuals and I am not a bigot; however, I feel homosexuality is morally wrong and should not be “promoted” as what is the norm for society…If homosexuality was the norm, civilization would have ceased to exist thousands of years ago. Procreation takes a man and a woman. There was Adam and then there was Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Who knew a Lawn Fertilizer salesman could also fertilize our minds with seeds of such genius rhetoric? Maybe he can do something about this Will & Grace show – I hear it’s all about the gays!

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever



  • MC Plus+ is the geekiest thing to happen to rap since K-Fed, and his album Chip Hop is an absolute must-download.
  • Aquarium Drunkard finds out what happens when two kids from Alabama head out to the green, green fields of Humboldt County, California: Brightblack Morning Light.
  • I Rock Cleveland goes to town with a new tune from the forthcoming record from folkie Richard Buckner.
  • Muzzle of Bees has netted a rawking new track from The Black Keys.
  • MOKB does a drive-by on instrumental buzz-band Ratatat.

Sharpen Your Shivs: NYC Star Maps!


STARMAP.JPGNew York Magazine has compiled a NYC Map of the Stars, replete with a handy-dandy, easy-to-stalk grid. While the magazine claims that the pinpoints are not the exact locations of the stars, it does encourage readers to hang out at the corner bodegas to try and catch a glimpse of Derek Jeter buying a 40 oz., or to check out what kind of pornography Karl Lagerfeld prefers (Men on Horseback). We know how many of our readers are expert cartographers, and not necessarily creepy fans of celebrity-related things, so please: Enjoy. (Link via Gawker.)

SIZZLER: Leto Shops at Urban Goutfitters


letosuffers.jpgAfter his band 30 Seconds to Mars performed to a completely uninterested crowd (except for thirty or so eyeliner-wearing message board superfans in the front row) at last weekend’s Lollapalooza Festival, Jared Leto took a long enough break from being totally punk rock in the Fila swag suite to explain to Page Six why he was sporting a pair of decidedly un-indie plastic clogs. After gaining and losing so much weight for his upcoming film Chapter 27, Leto has developed gout, a painful mineral buildup in the joints. Could this also be the reason for his pretentious emo rockstar posturing? Either way, his suffering is as real as the make-up-colored tears streaming down his sad little cheeks.

OVER/UNDER: One Ocean View


one oceanv.jpg“Basically I wake up in the morning and every day is the best day of my life. Because I know that I’ve gotten better looking from the night before.”- Usman, One Ocean View

ABC’s Fire Island reality show One Ocean View is two episodes old now, but judging by the bland characters (everyone other than Usman, naturally), contrived drama, and overall borrrrrrrrrrringness of the show, I can’t imagine it lasting that much longer. Now, I haven’t checked the ratings– for all I know it’s the Two & A Half Men of reality shows– but I’d be shocked… SHOCKED… if One Ocean View makes it past episode number 4. I mean, have you seen it? It’s a poor man’s The Hills, full of rock music so generic it makes the Hilary Duff intro on Laguna Beach sound like the White Stripes. You know it’s bad when your friends describe a montage song as a “lame Jet rip-off.” Um, isn’t that a bit redunant?

So the OVER/UNDER is 4 episodes. Will One Ocean View surpass the 4 episode mark? Will it fall short and crap out at three? Or will it survive two more weeks only to get the plug pulled immediately following the airing of the fourth? What do you think? Vote now!