Whitney Houston Is the New Rick James

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Wbag2Whitney Houston has been all over the tabloids these past few weeks, with seperate reports of both her raging crack habit and penchant for sex-toy-enhanced lesbian loving. But who can believe the gossip rags these days? Luckily, CRACKED has gotten their hands on the official press release, a missive from Whitney herself. And you know what? From now on, she’s only getting high on life and free cocaine.

…Of The Day

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OBVIOUS ADVICE: Kevin Federline’s ex-gf warns Britney she better lose some weight or he’s gonna leave her ass for a white girl. (Starpulse)

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND: The Hunter was once The Hunted– Dick Cheney was shot in a hunting accident in the 90′s. You can stop cheering now. (The Huffington Post)

CITY: Denver. Real World 18 is heading to the sunshine state (gorgeous!) (Reality Blurred)

GOOD NEWS FOR GEEKS: Some Playstation 3 videos have leaked onto the web. (DoubleViking)

BAD NEWS FOR GEEKS: Dave Hill is going to make fun of you. (YouTube)

NAME CHANGE: Jack White’s side project The Raconteurs will be known as The Saboteurs down under. The Fosters commercials were right, those Australians really do have a whole other language down there. (NME)

NOW SCREENING: Just My Luck

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Lindsay Lohan’s next big movie Just My luck stars the actress as a young Manhattan socialite with great luck who falls in love with a hot guy with terrible luck.  When the two kiss, they swap lucks ala Freaky Friday, and adorableness ensues.

But if you’re like me, you need more than this lame synopsis of the film to tide you over till the Movie’s May 12th release. Just our luck, I stumbled on a series of Just My Luck film stills and based on every romantic comedy ever made, I was able to predict what actually happens in the movie. Check it out after the jump…

Read more…

SIZZLER: Meredith Vieira Abused Before Ever Meeting Joy Behar

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Meredith Vieira
, veteran of The View and recently crowned co-host of Today, is the latest in a string of celebs who have bravely come forward and admitted to being abused in the past in exchange for press.  Following in the unnecessarily forthcoming, positive publicity-hungry footsteps of Teri Hatcher and Tom Cruise, Vieira claims that one of her ex-boyfriends was in the all-too-common habit of slapping her around then pleading that "he’s sorry and really loves her", once even throwing the future TV star out of their apartment completely naked. 

The silver lining is that these experiences have only made her stronger, as she’s now better prepared to handle all the verbal, physical and psychological abuse glib co-host Matt Lauer is preparing to hurl upon her.

Singing Like A Soprano– A Flashback

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Getting caught at a gay club during last night’s episode of The Sopranos is going to be the least of Vito’s worries once this video gets out. Check out this piece from the Best Week Ever archives– we’re going way back to 2004, when Vito Spatafore was caught giving another guy… um, how can I put this gently?… in the words of Paul F. Tompkins, a "Mouth Hug." Enjoy this blast from the past (no pun intended).

While You Weren’t Cheating On Your Taxes, But Just Flirting A Little

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  • MonsterGLAAD is honoring Charlize Theron for her efforts in improving the image of the gay community by playing a terrifying lesbian serial-killer in Monster.
  • Are Jude Law and Sienna Miller getting back together?  Doesn’t matter – just use this as an opportunity to visualize the kind of make-up sex they would have.
  • Melanie Griffith is being sued for not revealing the name of the fashion designer responsible for how she looked at a recent red carpet appearance.  Following suit, the drug company that makes Xanax is planning a massive lawsuit against all of Hollywood. 
  • Rapper Nelly wants to do more acting, but isn’t ready to cry on cue yet.  Not to worry, though – once he’s blown through what’s left of his "hasn’t been hot in herrre in awhile" fortune on gold teeth and diamond-plated bathroom floors, he’ll be sobbing like Sally Field on Oscar night.
  • A prison guard was recently disclipined after screening Brokeback Mountain for the inmates.  He defended himself by insisting that it was "a real crowd-pleaser".
  • Is Jamie-Lynn Spears finally ready to follow in her big sister’s footsteps and become a smoking hot sex symbol before spiraling deeper and deeper into a confusing of  unattractiveness and self-destruction?

TIVO ALERT: Christian Finnegan On The Late Late Show

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What do Chi McBride, Bebe Neuwirth, and Christian Finnegan have in common? Well, Chi starred in Boston Public, Bebe played Lillith on Cheers (which took place at a bar in Boston), and Christian used to get beaten up by kids in school who wore Boston Red Sox hats. So there’s that.

Oh, and there’s one more thing: They’re all going to be on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson tonight. So make sure you TIVO that mofo. It should be wicked fun.

Check out some more Christian Finnegan media here.

SIZZLER: Paris Gets into Politics’ Pants?

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Gavin Newsom, the handsome mayor of San Francisco has it all: good looks, a rising political career and stunning actress, Sophia Milos, as a girlfriend. But now he may have something else…

According to Scene in the Tropics, Paris Hilton had an affair with the handsome Mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsom.  In fact Newsom’s name appeared in Paris’ hacked sidekick while he was still married . While he’s since divorced his wife, and cut off his relationship with the heiress (who’s rumored to have an itchy VD) we’re sure Paris has left her mark on politics. And unfortunately, it’ll never go away.