SIZZLER: Eminem Divorces Again

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eminemRapper Eminem has filed for divorce from longtime love Kim Mathers after reconciling with her for the bajillionth time in a formal wedding just 82 days ago. What’s more, the rapper does not even have a pre-nup.
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CruiseWatch ’06: It All Starts With the Germans

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cruise-motorcycle.jpgThere’s a reason we’ve been talking about Tom Cruise so much lately – sheer anticipation. Last year this interview in Spiegel Magazine marked the beginning of his War of the Worlds Magical Mystery Publicity Tour, stopping along the way to jump on couches, pop wheelies on motorcycles, take a woman, suck her face in public as often as possible, fake impregnate her, pop the question and teach Today’s Matt Lauer some very important lessons about science, medicine and the meaning of the word “glib”. Whew! That’s why Tom Cruise is hardest-working Heterosexual-Scientology-Evangelist-Pharmaceutical-Expert in show biz!

Anyway, if Mr. Cruise hopes to outdo himself on this year’s M:I3 publicity tour, he’s really gonna have to step it up and bring his A game. Luckily, he’s off to a good start this week, once again launching the crazy campaign in Germany with an appearance on the talk show Wetten Dass (mit Motorcycle!), his confession to Parade about his abusive father, solidified marriage plans, quirky labor demands including a pacifier for Katie, and the imminent arrival of the anti-christ his new baby.

What else do you think he could have in store for us this time arround? Leave your guesses in the comments section.

SIZZLER: Brad Walks Out on Angelina?

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brad1.jpgAccording to “NW” Magazine, a source we trust inherently though we’ve never heard of them until now, Brad Pitt has walked out on a very pregnant Angelina. The problems revolve around the fact that Angelina won’t stop flying, won’t start eating and won’t get married. The two have been “fighting like cats and dogs” over her desire to fly while very pregnant and her incredibly skinny unhealthy frame. And while Brad wants to wed, “Ange has been putting up obstacle after obstacle and it’s clear to Brad she’s not just stalling anymore. She doesn’t seem to have any intention of marrying him any time soon.” So Brad reportedly walked out on Angelina and her bevvy of babies.

You know what would make Brad feel better? A weekend in Vegas with his good buddy George Clooney. Oh crap, he walked out on him too.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Katie Quits!

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We hope you’re sitting down, because we’re about to break some really big news: Katie Couric quit the Today Show this morning. Okay, you know about it but have you seen it? If you think it’s awkward to quit in your boss’s office, wait till you see someone do it on live TV. 

Also after the jump, find out about THE COURIC EFFECT and how Katie’s choice to quit the show has created a catastrophic ripple effect throughout the world.

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While You Were Getting Nervous About the Apocalyptic Snow Outside

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  • Lindsayjpgw300h344
  • The Origin of the Species of Lindsay Lohan.
  • 50 Cent is set to give his acting chops a real workout, playing a prison inmate alongside Nicholas Cage
  • Don’t blame Naomi Campbell.  Blame her incredibly dangerous cellphone.
  • Starbucks is now brewing its way into the movie business.  They’re starting off with a Tall movie about a spelling bee, but they work their way up to a Venti action blockbuster by the summer. 
  • A New York judge was censured after comparing an assault victim to Jon Lovitz’s pathological liar character from SNL.  Using the words "Jon Lovitz" in any decent public place, much less a court of law, can have some serious repercussions. 
  • A secretary for the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security was arrested for trying to solicit sex from a 14 year-old girl on the Internet.  I don’t think that’s what Bush meant by "hunt down and punish".

Happy Easter Indeed

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What does the Easter Bunny do the other 364 days a year? Watch this video to find out. And to prepare yourself.

So THAT’S What Happened!

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Cruisecouch
In a recent interview with Parade magazine, soon-to-be dad Tom Cruise reveals some haunting insights about his own father:

"He was a bully and a coward – the person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you. … It was a great lesson in my life, how he’d lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang!"

I hope, for the sake of the baby, that family history doesn’t repeat itself as is all-too-often the case.  One minute you’re just playing paddycakes with mommy, then all of a sudden – BANG! – daddy is jumping up and down on the sofa, yelling something about how your crying is glib.   It’s a vicious cycle.

24: Painting The White House Black

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I held out on writing about this week’s episode of 24 yesterday because I wanted to give those of you who decided to TIVO the episode and watch the NCAA Finals or some opening day baseball an extra day to get around to watching it. Well, I can’t wait any longer. We have to discuss. So, if you still haven’t seen it, here’s your warning: Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert.
Logan

President Logan
is behind the whole f**king thing?!?!?! Are you KIDDING me?????

Listen, I’m willing to believe that Jack survived a fiery explosion last week. I’m willing to believe that Henderson/Robocop came back from the dead to stab Tony in the heart with a syringe and escape a recently gassed CTU scott free. And I’m willing to believe that the superhot Kim Bauer would date an ugly guy with a really thick goatee. But I can’t believe that President P*ssy (as he’s lovingly referred to as in the TVGasm Comments section) could mastermind this whole attack. The guy can’t even control his wife! Something doesn’t add up. The only twist that would have been less believable is if Jack were behind the whole thing. Hmmm. On that thought…

[In Case You Missed It, you can head on over to TVGasm for a complete/hilarious recap of the episode.]

SIZZLER: Katie’s Post-Modern Birth

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So far, Katie Holmes pregnancy has been increasingly surreal, packed with over-enthusiastic smiles, questionable stomach bumps, personal sonograms and promises of a an absolutely silent birth. But according to Tom’s directorial vision,  this birth still isn’t David Lynch-y enough.

So with his obscure eye for social commentary, Cruise has decided to stuff the pre-natal Holmes not only with loads of spicy Indian food but also with an adult sized pacifier (and we don’t mean Vin Diesel). Just imagine the haunting image of Katie in a noise-reduction chamber,  chewing on a curry-flavored pacifier, surrounded by Scientologist handmaidens. Now if he could just get some embryos to fall from the ceiling (a la Eraserhead) the birth of little Cruise Jr, could be canonized in college level film classes everywhere.