With all the insanity in the world – global warming, gas prices, Middle East violence and Mel Gibson – turning on the nightly news can be pretty terrifying. But nothing is nearly as dire as the current situation we’re facing with Matthew McConaughey, whose incessant shirtlessness, if unchecked, could create epic disaster greater than Reign of Fire and Sahara combined. At BWE, we’re taking this issue seriously, even enlisting the help of Sally Struthers, the world’s leading authority on crisis resolution:
As you know by now, actor/religious nut/Saddam Hussein lookalike Mel Gibson was not only arrested for driving under the influence over the weekend, but he also managed to hurl out several anti-Semetic remarks in the process. The arresting officer supposedly has tape of the arrest, where Gibson yells “F**king Jews” on more than one occasion and states that “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Wow.
While many are shocked, this behavior isn’t the least bit unusual for Mr. Gibson. In fact, he’s been blaming the Jews for a variety of things over the years. Specifically, his terrible movies. As it turns out the Jews aren’t just responsible for “all the wars”, they’re also responsible for all his flops. Seriously. Just take a look.
Lethal Weapon 4
Jew: Richard Donner
Mel was able to tolerate Richard Donald Schwartzberg (his real name) for three Lethal Weapon movies; one great, two pretty damn good. But Donner pushed his luck with the debacle that was Lethal Weapon 4. Donner’s decision to bring back the annoying Joe Pesci character almost made me anti-Semetic.
Tagline: The Gang’s All Here
Mel’s Suggested Tagline: The Gang’s All Here… And Christian!
OK, so you’ve all heard about Mel Gibson‘s unsurprising anti-Semitic breakdown a few days ago, where he goes right ahead and blames the Jews for every war that’s ever happened, ever. Today, the Los Angeles Times wonders aloud what kind of impact this will have on… wait for it… the HOLOCAUST MINISERIES Gibson was producing with ABC! The series, based on the book Flory: Survival in the Valley of Death, is the true story of a young Dutch Jewish boy and his experiences in WWII. The word “true” is worth noting, as it is no secret that Mel’s father, Hutton Gibson, is a well-known Holocaust denier who freely associates with a bevy of Jew-haters, including movie star Mel Gibson. Can you imagine the Miniseries? How would it play out?
What tickles us most is the irony. If anyone resembles a scapegoat, it’s Gibson.
…You DO NOT talk about Clay Aiken’s homosexuality. According to the NY Daily News (last item), John Paulus, the ex-Marine who made headlines by claiming that he had a tawdry gay tryst in a hotel room with the squeaky-clean pop idol, has been denied protection from the FBI, which he apparently sought out after being “bombarded” with death threats from crazed Aiken fans. “The Claymates”, described as “a loosely organized army of middle-aged women”, have been operating under the radar for some time now, beginning with secret after-hours “Claymate Club” meetings in church basements, Olive Gardens and suburban salons across the country, where they would plot ways to fight the rumors about their idol’s sexuality that keep popping up in the press. Little did Paulus – or anyone else – know that the group has quietly grown and organized itself into one of the most frighteningly sophisticated terrorist cells in the nation, now rumored to be putting into motion their most ambitious plan yet, “Project Cure the McPheever”. Best be watching your back, Taylor Hicks!
1. Even without bringing back neon pastel suits, rolled up sleeves, Don Johnson or anything else remotely awesome about the original, Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx barely manage to eek past Pirates, which must have been difficult since the swashbuckling juggernaut has been out for, oh, about a month now – $25.2 million
2. I hope the enormous box office success of this sea-faring blockbuster means one day that Hollywood might just have Johnny Depp start playing every role in all of his movies. Then I’d finally get to see him do Fear and Loathing on a Carnival Cruise Line: Captain Jack Meets Dr. Gonzo – $20.5 million
3. John Moviegoer Must Not Care, but it is nice to see the Hollywood Writer’s Guild giving equal opportunities to the mentally handicapped, even if that does mean hacky Christian Slater-less rip-offs of Heathers – $14.1 million
5. After A Bug’s Life, Antz, The Ant Bully and Just My Luck, it would seem that Hollywood has a huge obsession with making kids movies about repulsive pests – $8.1 million
I’ve never been to Fire Island, but from what I hear it’s a fun place loaded with attractive people in their mid-twenties who hang out on the beach every day and get wasted and hook up with each other every night. Sounds like a perfect set-up for a reality show, right? One Ocean View premieres tonight on ABC, and I’m hoping it fills the Laguna Beach void in my life. (Casting the MySpace pin-up/ Playboy model to the left definitely helps, by the way.)
Tonight NBC drops the cleverly titled StarTomorrow (get it??) on us, and TNT has new episodes of The Closer and Saved. And oh yeah, it’s SHARK WEEK on the Discovery Channel. So what are YOU watching? Vote now!
Stephen Colbert. Comedian. Newsman. Vessel of Truthiness. Superhero? According to Marvel Comics, the answer is yes. Editor-in-chief of Marvel Joe Quesada presented Colbert with this comic book mock-up on his show Thursday night, with Colbert killing what he believes to be the biggest threat to our freedom as Americans… a big bear. You know, they should really give all Daily Show contributors their own comic books. Who doesn’t want to see Jon Stewart kick some political ass while in a head-to-toe body stocking? (Click thumbnail to enlarge… your heart.)
Friday night at 11pm Best Week Ever will air its 100th episode. For the past two and a half years we’ve said a lot of intentionally hilarious things about a lot of unintentionally hilarious celebrities. In honor of reaching this milestone, all this week we’re going to countdown our five favorite celebrities and remind you in 100 seconds why we love making fun of them. Today, we celebrate #5– Paris Hilton.
Who’s #4? Make sure you come back tomorrow to find out.
Listen up, it’s official: Singer James Blunt is the fourth most annoying thing ever, according to a British survey published today. Blunt’s #1 hit “You’re Beautiful” has already been banned from a number of British radio stations, following an unfortunate trend of bile shooting out of people’s earholes. According to the survey, Blunt is more annoying than “stepping in dog poo”, “heat rash” and “diahorrea”. While Blunt may be annoying, it’s fair to say that when faced with the quandry of listening to his lady-like vocals or having a horrible, sweat-inducing bout of the rhea, we’d choose Jamesy any day.
Check out the whole list after the jump, and note the quirky British slang of such items as “Somebody nicking your parking spot” (#34), and “Running out of loo roll” (#39). Also note #1. What are the odds that’s the only answer given by 90 percent of those surveyed before slamming the phone down?
- Pamela Anderson calls her weekend wedding to Kid Rock “the most romantic wedding of all-time.” Stay tuned for the video footage on Cinemax tonight at around 1 a.m.
- Fire broke out on the set of the new James Bond thriller Casino Royale. While the cause is still unknown, authorities are leaning towards the fire in Daniel Craig‘s trousers.
- Cameron Diaz admits that she enjoys playing her animated character Fiona in the Shrek films, because it doesn’t matter how bad her skin gets or how skinny she is. So that explains why Justin Timberlake masturbates to Looney Tunes.
- The press interviews Brad Pitt‘s grandmother, who reveals that the star won’t marry until he is over his divorce of ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. She also reveals that Brad hates the Starlight mints she steals from her pinochle night, and that even the great-grandmothers of saviors suffer from incontinence.
- Eddie Van Halen will be composing the score for a new adult film (that’s porno, not Holocaust drama) called Sacred Sin. Not reported but assumed, David Lee Roth dusts off his “bomp-a-chick-a-wow” machine and prays for his own future.