After an otherwise slow week in celebrity scandal, Friday afternoon’s one-two punch combo of Lindsay Lohan’s “intervention” letter from a studio exec and Mel Gibson’s arrest for driving after drinking too much water-turned-wine confronted us with two seperate alcohol-related Hollywood bombshells only moments before we were to embark upon a weekend of our own booze-fueled debauchery. Left scrambling to ensure you were informed of these developments before we were too wasted to write, we had little time to fully ponder all the implications of these incidents, including how they relate to one another. Mel and Lindsay couldn’t seem more different, but when it comes to boozehounds hitting rock bottom, everyone is equal, leaving us with one very important question: which of these two lushes could out-drink the other? Mel’s got experience, physical size and faith in the power of Jesus on his side. But Lohan has youth, a naive sense of invulnerability and faith in the power of cocaine on hers. It’d be cool if we could film and televise a reality competition in which your favorite famous alcoholics square off and binge-drink themselves into oblivion, but for now we’ll just have to settle for a poll. So tell us who you think could put away the most hooch before passing out, puking or punching a TMZ photographer: Braveheart or Blohan?
Spotted on a dress worn by songstress Christina Aguilera, it’s time for you to…. Name! That! Stain!
(Click for the whole photo)
But seriously, what is that?
Newsflash: It’s really hot outside. Like… everywhere. In an effort to help you avoid heat stroke and the inevitable thigh-chafe, check out this vintage Daily Show clip called “Beat the Heat with Steve Carell.” (Full disclosure: 1. Little Miss Sunshine is a must see, notably thanks to Carell’s performance; 2. I tried describing this clip to a co-worker, and cried with laughter; and 3. I have an unhealthy obsession with Steve Carell.)
The Blogging Project Runway blog has been closely following the upcoming elimination debacle scheduled to air this Weds. night on Bravo. Speculation is running wild. Here is what we do know: A teaser clip on Yahoo TV shows that it’s the group of Kayne, Robert and Michael who turn one of their fellow designers in, meaning that odds are they’re safe from elimination. (And thank God — Robert and Michael are our favorites!) We also know that said person is thrown off the show for breaking one of the rules. While people are still speculating whether or not Keith Michael copied some of the designs in his application from major runway shows, something tells us that the reason here is something more immediate… A rule broken on the challenge at hand. A friend of BWE wonders if someone was caught using illegal substances, and it actually makes sense! Have you seen how skinny poor Keith is? The droopy eyes? The flared nostrils? Maybe there’s a crystal meth-od to his madness.
Begin speculating in the commennnnnnnts…… now.
With all the insanity in the world – global warming, gas prices, Middle East violence and Mel Gibson – turning on the nightly news can be pretty terrifying. But nothing is nearly as dire as the current situation we’re facing with Matthew McConaughey, whose incessant shirtlessness, if unchecked, could create epic disaster greater than Reign of Fire and Sahara combined. At BWE, we’re taking this issue seriously, even enlisting the help of Sally Struthers, the world’s leading authority on crisis resolution:
As you know by now, actor/religious nut/Saddam Hussein lookalike Mel Gibson was not only arrested for driving under the influence over the weekend, but he also managed to hurl out several anti-Semetic remarks in the process. The arresting officer supposedly has tape of the arrest, where Gibson yells “F**king Jews” on more than one occasion and states that “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Wow.
While many are shocked, this behavior isn’t the least bit unusual for Mr. Gibson. In fact, he’s been blaming the Jews for a variety of things over the years. Specifically, his terrible movies. As it turns out the Jews aren’t just responsible for “all the wars”, they’re also responsible for all his flops. Seriously. Just take a look.
Lethal Weapon 4
Jew: Richard Donner
Mel was able to tolerate Richard Donald Schwartzberg (his real name) for three Lethal Weapon movies; one great, two pretty damn good. But Donner pushed his luck with the debacle that was Lethal Weapon 4. Donner’s decision to bring back the annoying Joe Pesci character almost made me anti-Semetic.
Tagline: The Gang’s All Here
Mel’s Suggested Tagline: The Gang’s All Here… And Christian!
OK, so you’ve all heard about Mel Gibson‘s unsurprising anti-Semitic breakdown a few days ago, where he goes right ahead and blames the Jews for every war that’s ever happened, ever. Today, the Los Angeles Times wonders aloud what kind of impact this will have on… wait for it… the HOLOCAUST MINISERIES Gibson was producing with ABC! The series, based on the book Flory: Survival in the Valley of Death, is the true story of a young Dutch Jewish boy and his experiences in WWII. The word “true” is worth noting, as it is no secret that Mel’s father, Hutton Gibson, is a well-known Holocaust denier who freely associates with a bevy of Jew-haters, including movie star Mel Gibson. Can you imagine the Miniseries? How would it play out?
What tickles us most is the irony. If anyone resembles a scapegoat, it’s Gibson.
…You DO NOT talk about Clay Aiken’s homosexuality. According to the NY Daily News (last item), John Paulus, the ex-Marine who made headlines by claiming that he had a tawdry gay tryst in a hotel room with the squeaky-clean pop idol, has been denied protection from the FBI, which he apparently sought out after being “bombarded” with death threats from crazed Aiken fans. “The Claymates”, described as “a loosely organized army of middle-aged women”, have been operating under the radar for some time now, beginning with secret after-hours “Claymate Club” meetings in church basements, Olive Gardens and suburban salons across the country, where they would plot ways to fight the rumors about their idol’s sexuality that keep popping up in the press. Little did Paulus – or anyone else – know that the group has quietly grown and organized itself into one of the most frighteningly sophisticated terrorist cells in the nation, now rumored to be putting into motion their most ambitious plan yet, “Project Cure the McPheever”. Best be watching your back, Taylor Hicks!
1. Even without bringing back neon pastel suits, rolled up sleeves, Don Johnson or anything else remotely awesome about the original, Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx barely manage to eek past Pirates, which must have been difficult since the swashbuckling juggernaut has been out for, oh, about a month now – $25.2 million
2. I hope the enormous box office success of this sea-faring blockbuster means one day that Hollywood might just have Johnny Depp start playing every role in all of his movies. Then I’d finally get to see him do Fear and Loathing on a Carnival Cruise Line: Captain Jack Meets Dr. Gonzo – $20.5 million
3. John Moviegoer Must Not Care, but it is nice to see the Hollywood Writer’s Guild giving equal opportunities to the mentally handicapped, even if that does mean hacky Christian Slater-less rip-offs of Heathers – $14.1 million
4. I don’t really know much about this movie, but the truth is it doesn’t matter because I already know everything I need to about monsters: Wolfman does indeed “got nards” – $11.5 million
5. After A Bug’s Life, Antz, The Ant Bully and Just My Luck, it would seem that Hollywood has a huge obsession with making kids movies about repulsive pests – $8.1 million