Vice President Al Gore made a really funny cameo on SNL last weekend, imagining what life might have been like in a parallel universe where the Supreme Court hadn’t decided they liked George W. Bush better back in 2000. Check it out now, then think about it again later tonight in this universe, as George W. Bush is explaining why he hates Mexicans!
Somebody has to talk to our president. It’s the middle of May, sweeps are in full effect, the conclusion of Grey’s Anatomy airs tonight, Oprah has a big primetime special scheduled… and what does he do? He arranges to address the nation at 8pm, thereby pushing all of our favorite shows back and inevitably screwing up our DVR’s beyond repair. NO WONDER his approval rating is at an all time low. I’m all for the President bettering the nation by addressing the public via the boob tube… but you know. Wait until June or something.
So what are YOU watching tonight? Are you going to watch Bush talk about aliens (the illegal ones, not the fun ones)? How I Met Your Mother? 24? The season finale of Prison Break? Vote now!
To compete with humanitarian and husband snatcher Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston is revealing herself as a humanitarian in her own right. While the actress doesn’t necessarily save babies, she has told press she does some of her own household chores. The actress told the British magazine HotDog: “I make my bed every day and I clean my kitchen. I have a housekeeper. But I still do that. I know that may shock you!” After all these years, anonymously cleaning, it’s time she get a little credit. Those hospital corners don’t just tuck by themselves, you know.
Summer Blockbuster season has begun, during which time Hollywood rolls out the biggest and best goods they’ve got. Here’s what they came up with:
1. Ethan Hunt is desperately clinging to the cliff of success, suspended above the chasm of inevitable irrelevancy by his straining fingertips and sheer determination to brainwash the world – $24.5 million
2. Near…far…whereeeeeeeever you are…you probably didn’t go see this. Oh well, at least Celine Dion didn’t write any more f*cking songs – $20.3 million
3. Remember when Robin Williams was even remotely funny or entertaining? Me either – $9.5 million
4. People are always asking, “Why is Lindsay Lohan so famous? Like, what has she done to deserve the attention regularly showered upon her?” Well, smartypants, have YOU ever opened a poorly-reviewed movie in 4th place that grossed less than what you were paid to “star” in it? Wink wink – $5.5 million
5. Will there EVER be a week without at least one generic “horror” movie in the top 5? Who goes to these, and what could they possibly find scarier than the ridiculous plotting and hacky over-wrought dialogue? – $3.7 million
After failing to break the world record for holding his breath, David Blaine has devised a stunt more challenging, more death-defying and more unbelievable than anything he’s ever tried (and failed) before. He plans to live among wild beasts! Blaine told the New York Post, “I’m planning to live harmoniously among wild beasts,” he told The Post. “And I’d like to do it alone in the jungle.” Nobody ever has attempted something so dangerous, except several Las Vegas magicians.
We thought after his last two car-slumping incidents he was going to get treatment.
But once again, George Michael was photographed snoozing at traffic lights. According to a fellow motorist: “He was sweating heavily and had his iPod on. That’s probably why he didn’t hear all the angry tooting behind him. ” Let’s stop beating around the bush and come clean. We know car-slumping is covering up for George’s real addiction, mp3′s.
- Oprah addresses rumors about being Gayle King’s gay lover. While Stedman appears captivated by a spot on the ground.
- Michael Jackson’s kids told they don’t have a mother. Jackson is more like a hybrid.
- Katie Holmes and Brooke Shields are wearing same Cartier love bracelets. But only Katie’s doubles as a tracking radar.
- Lindsay Lohan’s mom Dina is writing a tell-all book about being a Lindsay’s mother. Right after she finishes reading the how-to book on parenting.
- Lindsay may be dating another Paris ex, Paris Latis. But he’s just training for her biggest challenge, Tinkerbell.
It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, May 14th! Robin Hopkins is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including The Sopranos, Desperate Housewives, Malcom in the Middle, and Law & Order: Criminal Intent!
We’d like to submit Meredith Vieira’s shocking expose of 20/20 reporter John Stossel’s secret life, for your review.
The once was a man named Tony
He made us all laugh in his own way
but when he went on his show
he just didn’t know
what it was we all thought was so funny.