Dearest readers, we offer our utmost apologies for the fact that our beloved site has recently been crashing more than Lindsay Lohan on a Sunday morning. The problems appear to be the result of massive increases in traffic caused by Matthew McConaughey’s beachfront yoga session. We’re sorry if these technical difficulties have forced you to do any actual work today, and will resume our regularly scheduled program of distracting you with smarty-pants jokes about celebrities forthwith. Thanks for your patience.
Thereâ€™s always an air of fakery around an article that refers to a mysterious â€œpanel of expertsâ€, but there it is. Said “panel” compiled a list of â€œ50 Films to See Before You Dieâ€ for the British digital channel Film 4. The list is after the jump, but there are some very immediate problems with it. For example: #27 is the movie Hero, yet they do not specify whether it is the Tom Cruise Pretends He’s Asian Hero or the Dustin Hoffman Makes A Bad Career Choice Hero. Hereâ€™s hoping itâ€™s the latter. Also, Royal Tenenbaums over Rushmore? Unlikely. And hey â€“ not a single John Landis movie on the list?! Come onâ€¦ Coming to America is one of the finest movies of our time. Also missing: Total Recall, Dumb and Dumber, and possibly the best movie ever, Speed.
Click to read the full list — what other movies did they leave out?
DJ Qualls, Hollywood’s go-to actor for all its “awkward dork” casting needs, showed paparazzi outside of an LA nightclub just what kind of stone pimp he actually is. In the course of the two minute clip, Qualls lights a cigarette, struts with a young starlet on each arm, kisses one of them, then finally hits a paparazzi homerun by giving the obligatory comment on his thoughts about Lindsay Lohan, to whom he has no discernible relation. While his description of her as “not a nice girl” is a far cry from the oratory eloquence of Brandon Davis’ “firecrotch”, it’s hard not to find DJ’s earnest “Haha, me too, right guys? Lohan sucks, check out my ladies, call me sometime Paris!” eagerness to be part of Hollywood’s clique of popular party kids at least mildly charming.
Check out this picture taken of Keira Knightley in London a few days ago. We’re not sure if Keira was a feral child, raised by topless, chunky-belted wolves in an alley somewhere, but someone should really get the memo to her that a skirt belted around the human xylophone that is her rib cage does NOT constitute a dress. Maybe it’s just a clever ruse to divert attention from the “Knightley Jaw.” And check out her boyf! Attractive, in a Matthew Mcconaughey as a vampire kind of way — which, on second thought, is exactly our type.
- Madonna is so paranoid about germs she demands a new toilet seat in her dressing room every night while on tour. She doesn’t want to spread whatever it is she has.
- Nicolas Cage believes his “regular guy” appeal will secure the success of his controversial new film World Trade Center. The fact that the movie is about the greatest tragedy in our nation’s history is secondary.
- Christie Brinkley’s estranged husband has apologized for being “stupid” and cheating on her with an 18-year-old. He promises that the next time he strays he’ll have enough class to do it with a model in her early 20’s.
- Kimberly Stewart says hiking makes her sane. And I say it’s boring quotes like that that make Kimberly Stewart forgettable.
- Lionel Richie is saddened by the media’s obsession with his daughter’s weight. He wants to know why nobody notices he’s really thin too. Doesn’t ANYBODY care???
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, July 24th! Claudia is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Miami: Beach Patrol, Tabloid Wars, and Hell’s Kitchen!
- GEEK LOVE: These videos from Comic-Con make me wish I was as popular as Johnny Drama. (Bam! Kapow!)
- SINGING RICHIE: Sorry Lionel, there’s a new musician in the family and her name’s Nicole. Seriously. (D-Listed)
- GIF (NOT RELATED TO MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY): Jessica Simpson + bikini photos + animation = why the internet was created. (Egotastic)
- POLL: Who would cheat on George Clooney? Well, only lunatics, liars, and lesbians, naturally. (Gawker)
- PLANK: Bai Ling, proving that just because Pirates Of The Carribbean 2 is a success, not everything with a pirate hat is worth your time. (Mollygood)
- I Am Fuel, You Are Friends is starting the week off right with a Monday mix including Pete Yorn, Rooney, Girl Talk, R.E.M. and more.
- Speaking of Michael Stipe and co., Feed me Good Tunes has a bunch of old tracks from a handful of albums. Download them all.
- Pop Tarts Suck Toasted has a mix today that features tracks by Of Montreal, The Hold Steady, and a few other bands passing through New York this week. You know I’ll be at the OM show Sunday.
- Disco-Not-Disco posted four great tracks today, including songs by Clipse and Beck, so I’m willing to overlook the positive review for Johnny Knoxville’s The Ringer. But it wasn’t easy.
- And finally, if you’ve never listened to Voxtrot head on over to Obscure Sound asap. Let me know what you think.
Now that the dust has finally settled on the set of The Tonight Show after last week’s onstage confrontation of Colin Farrell by his assumed stalker, we’ve finally been able to get the other side of the story straight from the
horse’s crazy person’s mouth. You should check out her entire rambling manifesto, but here’s a little sample of the fun:
“The camera that we strolled pass was still taping at the time because the red light was still on and it turned with us as we walked by obviously still recording colin and I interacting. The whole studio was quite and no one was alarmed, because Colin’s reaction was too inviting toward seeing me. Security never came over to us, and Mr. Leno never moved from his seat nor summons his security because Colin was talking to me comfortably with his whole arm draped around me extreamly close.
COLIN FARRELL NEVER TOUCHED MY ELBOW AND SUMMONED GUARDS.”
Now that her rhetorical genius has whet your appetite for lunacy, head over to her MySpace page and rock out to the single she recorded, which will obviously be the breakout hit of the summer – “Colin Farrell Is My Bitch”.
Barbara Walters just keeps going and going and going. Give this woman a black co-host (not named Star Jones) and she’s bound to do something embarrassing. After the way she harrassed Brandy and pulled on Tanika Ray‘s hair, you’d think she would’ve learned her lesson by now. Well, she hasn’t. Cue Mo’Nique.
So what did Barbara learn from Mo’Nique on The View today?
1) Black women DO NOT shave their legs
2) Black women DO shave their underarms
3) Black women DO NOT appreciate it when you call their children “creatures”
4) Black women DO NOT enjoy being double teamed by two old white women
What an episode. Future co-hosts, you’ve been warned: You come and go- they stay. They. Stay.