Every day, magazines and blogs wax ho-etic about celebrity break-ups. Who’s together, who’s apart, who’s cheating, who’s so coked out of their brains they don’t even know what year it is. Here are today’s top 3 celebrity break-up rumors:
1. Jennifer Aniston Dumps Vince Vaughn. Likelihood? Nil. Aniston needs a big hunk-o-man to cry on, and Vaughn fits the bill perfectly. While the chemistry between these two is highly questionable, comedically and romantically, we’re convinced that another break-up in the public eye would drive normally nicotine-addled Aniston to murderously-sadistic levels of madness.
While Justin Timberlake‘s video for Sexyback premiered on TRL today (and will be on MTV again tonight at 11 p.m.), the empty cavity I’m feeling in the pit of my soul tells me that my Justin fix has still not been satisfied. That’s when I discovered this video of Tiny Timb taken in 1991, when my darling was only 10 years old. Check out his little pants and tie combo! Ayyy pobrecito!
Well, look whoâ€™s too good to appear as Captain Hook on stage: David Hasselhoff! The vazline-chested hunk of yesteryear wonâ€™t be able to appear due to some TV conflicts (word has it he’s trying to get his own show, Travels With The Hoff. . . we’re not kidding!) So producers decided to cast the only C-list actor with the moxy and know-how to fill Hasselhoffs canoe-shoes: Henry Winkler, aka â€œThe Fonzâ€. And at first, we were pretty jazzed!
Then we wondered: What must it be like to be Henry Winkler? What goes through the guyâ€™s head, when you’re brought in as Hasselhoff’s replacement? So, using a team of underpaid analysts, we compiled a timeline of a typical day in the life of an American Hero…
A Day In The Life Of The Fonz
Tuesday night TV has it all. Regular reality shows like The Real World and Big Brother? Check. Competitive reality shows like Rock Star: Supernova and The One? Of course. Stupid reality shows like Fear Factor and Queer Eye? Oh, you know it.
That’s not even close to all. With Rescue Me, Work Out, Last Comic Standing, Dirty Jobs and My Super Sweet 16 on tonight, you might need to go out and pick up a second TIVO asap. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now.
Dearest readers, we offer our utmost apologies for the fact that our beloved site has recently been crashing more than Lindsay Lohan on a Sunday morning. The problems appear to be the result of massive increases in traffic caused by Matthew McConaughey’s beachfront yoga session. We’re sorry if these technical difficulties have forced you to do any actual work today, and will resume our regularly scheduled program of distracting you with smarty-pants jokes about celebrities forthwith. Thanks for your patience.
Thereâ€™s always an air of fakery around an article that refers to a mysterious â€œpanel of expertsâ€, but there it is. Said “panel” compiled a list of â€œ50 Films to See Before You Dieâ€ for the British digital channel Film 4. The list is after the jump, but there are some very immediate problems with it. For example: #27 is the movie Hero, yet they do not specify whether it is the Tom Cruise Pretends He’s Asian Hero or the Dustin Hoffman Makes A Bad Career Choice Hero. Hereâ€™s hoping itâ€™s the latter. Also, Royal Tenenbaums over Rushmore? Unlikely. And hey â€“ not a single John Landis movie on the list?! Come onâ€¦ Coming to America is one of the finest movies of our time. Also missing: Total Recall, Dumb and Dumber, and possibly the best movie ever, Speed.
Click to read the full list — what other movies did they leave out?
DJ Qualls, Hollywood’s go-to actor for all its “awkward dork” casting needs, showed paparazzi outside of an LA nightclub just what kind of stone pimp he actually is. In the course of the two minute clip, Qualls lights a cigarette, struts with a young starlet on each arm, kisses one of them, then finally hits a paparazzi homerun by giving the obligatory comment on his thoughts about Lindsay Lohan, to whom he has no discernible relation. While his description of her as “not a nice girl” is a far cry from the oratory eloquence of Brandon Davis’ “firecrotch”, it’s hard not to find DJ’s earnest “Haha, me too, right guys? Lohan sucks, check out my ladies, call me sometime Paris!” eagerness to be part of Hollywood’s clique of popular party kids at least mildly charming.
Check out this picture taken of Keira Knightley in London a few days ago. We’re not sure if Keira was a feral child, raised by topless, chunky-belted wolves in an alley somewhere, but someone should really get the memo to her that a skirt belted around the human xylophone that is her rib cage does NOT constitute a dress. Maybe it’s just a clever ruse to divert attention from the “Knightley Jaw.” And check out her boyf! Attractive, in a Matthew Mcconaughey as a vampire kind of way — which, on second thought, is exactly our type.