CINEMA’S GOLDEN ERA: What’s Really Scary Is That People Actually Like These Movies

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Who needs nice weather when you’ve got movies like these?  Here are the top five you dropped Hamiltons on this week:

1.  Another shi*ty movie making fun of the last year of shi*ty movies makes millions of dollars, thereby guaranteeing even more shi*ty movies – $41 million (that’s not a typo)

2.  Who says people don’t want to hear about the threat of global warming? – $20 million

3.  Another whip-smart classic from the director of Beverly Hills Ninja, Saving Silverman and National Security – $10 million

4.  Thank god Disney managed to hang on to Pixar – $9.5 million

5.  If a teacher really tried to salsa dance his way into the hearts of troubled inner-city youth, he’d probably get shot in the face – $6.7 million

SIZZLER: George Michael’s Careless Driving

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Remember in February, when George Michael  was arrested on suspicion of drug possession in February after being found "slumped in a car"?

Well, he’s slumping in cars again. The U.K’s Daily Mirror reports that George Michael crashed into three cars while trying to park his SUV in London early Sunday. No word on whether he was asleep at the wheel again, but in a statement the singer said:  "It is my own stupid fault, as usual."

No, no, George, it’s my fault. You asked to be woken up before you go-go and I guess it just slipped my mind again.

While You Were Having Scrambled Easter Eggs

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  • Elvira010Singer James Blunt has dumped the girlfriend
    who inspired his massive hit "You’re Beautiful".  He’s already working
    on his follow-up single, "Get the Fu*k Out, You Ugly Whore".
  • Elvira, the Mistress of the Dark, is creating a reality show in which women will compete to become America’s Next Top Vaguely Attractive Vampire Who Introduces Crappy Horror Movies on Late Nite TV. 
  • Since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie decided to have their baby in Namibia, they have also elected to give their offspring a traditional Namibian name.  Sources are reporting that the couple is torn between Ndugu and Chet.
  • Harrison Ford has denied rumors that he is engaged to girlfriend Calista Flockhart, which comes as bad news to would-be terrorists everywhere, who are now going to have to wait even longer to kidnap her, thereby forcing Harrison’s hand in saving her.
  • Is Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz’s legendary and baffling streak of dating women way too hot for him finally over

SIZZLER: Namibia No-Likey Brangelina

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We thought Namibia was having the best week ever after Angelina and Brad not only chose to have there baby in the remote African location, but also intended to give their baby a Namibian name.

But now according to tabloids, the couple’s presence in the town has upset the lives of the locals. Their massive, bully-like security team is closing off roads, kicking kids off beaches and causing violent eruptions in the area, all in attempts to protect the superstar couple who are spending 6 weeks in a local resort preparing for the birth of their baby.

Next time, guys, just go to Cedars Sinai.

Hogan Knows Breast

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Hulk Hogan + Dolly Parton singing about Hulk Hogan + No Irony whatsoever = the reason YouTube was invented. Watch this video now, and remember: this was actually considered "entertainment" not too long ago. (link via Gorillamask)

POLL: The Legend of Simon Conjurer: Real or Hoax?

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Okay, you watched Best Week Ever tonight. You laughed at the Celebrity Babies, you screamed when you saw Kenny Rogers‘ head, and you got a little bit excited when you saw Paul Scheer in a hot tub. Naturally– that’s to be expected. However, I’m willing to bet that one thing you weren’t ready for was this: The Legend of Simon Conjurer.

What the F is with that movie??? I mean, have you seen the trailer? I’m so confused! The movie looks laughably bad, it’s written and directed by "?", it doesn’t have a release date, and it stars Academy Award Winner Jon Voight… in a fat suit! Am I missing something here? I think I am. So I need you to do me a favor. Watch the trailer, check out the website, and then let me know: The Legend of Simon Conjurer– is it real, or is it all some elaborate hoax? Please help me.

While You Were Hunting For Booze-Filled Eggs

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  • CruiseprimetimeThe Tom Cruise Crazytrain will be pulling into Primetime station tonight on ABC’s exclusive interview in which a "totally jazzed, man" Captain Thetan tackles Diane Sawyer’s tough questions – and probably Diane herself. 
  • Axl Rose is bringing Guns ‘N Roses to NYC for the live debut of songs from his long-awaited Chinese Democracy album.  The show will consist of Axl promising the crowd he’s gonna give a "genius performance", then fiddling around backstage for hours on end while the crowd is constantly reminded that said performance is coming "any minute", until everyone finally stops caring and just goes home.
  • Legendary French actress Brigitte Bardot, now in her 70′s, says she "barely eats".  She’s really been such an inspiration on the actresses who came after her.
  • Eminem finally issues a statement about the tragic shooting of his best friend and mentor, Proof.  Something tells me he’s going to say some really mean things about the shooter on his next album. 
  • Page Six drops a bad news bomb on my future Sunday nights, saying that Jeremy Piven’s character on Entourage, which is undoubtedly the best thing about the show, will be leaving the series next season.  Before you get too bent out of shape about the lack of "hugging it out" in your future, consider the souce – maybe producers just didn’t make their last payment to the scandal-ridden paper.

White-Collar White Dudes Rap Better Than K-Fed

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According to Kevin Federline, he has "no choice" (3rd item) but to pollute the world with his godawful hip-hoPoZaoing "rap music", saying it’s not like he can "do construction, just start building houses in Malibu".  Yes, the cruel hand of fate (and his wife’s celebrity) has FORCED a microphone towards his face and all poor Kev can do is speak the truth about what it was like for him growing up on the mean streets of suburban Fresno. 

But that doesn’t mean we have to take it silently.  In fact, a duo of – get this – white investment bankers/"haters" have already recorded a diss track called "Wake Up, K-Fed" (right click, save as) that’s making its way around the Internet.  While it ain’t Wu Tang, this joke track sounds like the second coming of Tupac compared to Federline’s own "America’s Most Hated".  Pretty bad when you can’t even win a rap battle with a couple of bankers.

Kevs, you might want to think about picking up a hammer and nails after all – you’re gonna need to stay somewhere when wifey’s gravy train comes screeching to a halt.