In Today’s Random Lesbian News, Circa 1989


foster2.bmpWhen we first found out that Jawbone Sally, aka Jodie Foster, was “together” (air quotes signifying relations of the sexual nature) with bombshell Kim Basinger, we thought “Move over, Oprah and Gayle! There’s a new lesbian sherriff in town!” An Ebay listing for a “Dirt Alert” sent to an employee at the David Hockney studios confirmed that the two A-list actresses were indeed an item, albeit way back when in 1989. While the news may seem surprising, color us unimpressed. You just know Foster is hiding a thicket of Baldwin-esque chest hair, and would no doubt kick his ass in a wife-beating competition.

In other lesbian news, Jake Gyllenhaal is slated to play Lance Armstrong in his upcoming biopic. So that explains their undeniable sexual chemistry!

It’s July 24th; What’s up?


tabloid.jpgHave you ever wondered what happened behind the scenes at New York’s second most popular newspaper (and single most popular newspaper that features fun headlines like Gretzky & Betzky)? Me neither. But Tabloid Wars looks like it’s going to be a cool show anyway. Cameras followed Daily News reporters and photographers last summer as they covered the… daily news. Is it timely? Not even close. Will it be entertaining anyway? I guess we find out tonight.

So what else is on? If you like country music you know the CMA Music Festival airs tonight, if you’re a Kyra Sedgwick fan you know that The Closer is on, and if you’re a fan of ABC Family shows that feature a lead character with no belly-button, I assume you’ll be watching Kyle XY. So what are you watching? Vote now!

Your Daily Hoff: On Hoffway!


davidhasselhoff.jpgThis might be the greatest news I’ve gotten all day. Apparently The Hoff is planning on producing and starring in a Broadway show simply entitled David Hasselhoff: the Musical, which the Hoff has described as “a heart-rendering set on my life and the mistakes I have made”. I didn’t even know the Hoff was capable of making mistakes! But in all sincerity, not even Charlie Kaufman could have come up with an idea so absurdly brilliant as the story of the Hoff’s battles with alcoholism and fame set to the swinging sounds of Teddy Pendergrass (that part’s not a joke). But why stop at musicals? Now that I think about it, there should pretty much be an official David Hasselhoff everything – the breakfast cereal, the video game, the cable network, the action figure (empty bottle of Jameson accessory sold seperately).

The Official Beginning of World War III


HICKS.jpgThere’s been a lot of talk lately about how the fighting in the Middle East is going to lead to World War III, and up until today, we’ve been skeptical. That is, until, we read this headline: “Idol Stars To Provide Relief At White House Middle East Talks“. Then we realized… this is it. The Official End of the World. When Taylor Hicks is called into the White House to act all constipated while you kick back with your Capitol Hill brahs… well, we picture Terminator 2-style nuclear playgrounds in the near future. Hopefully, a Seacrest-1000 from the year 2056 will be sent back in time to prevent this little concert from taking place.

Frozen Face-Off: Linda Evangelista Barely Speaks


LindaEvang.bmp90’s Supermodels Linda Evanglista and Christy Turlington are trying their damndest to stay relevant, speaking out on the types of world issues Angelina Jolie could only dream of: Botox. Evangelista, who is slowly morphing into the corpse of Walt Disney, claims that while she is Pro-tox, she still would “like to keep some movement in my face.” Yeah, that’s always a good idea. Christy Turlington, appearing at a pro-facial-expression drum circle, says she loves her aged, barely wrinkled, pampered face. Not that any of this matters anyway — those old hags will never work in this town again.

So who do you think is right? Melt-face or Perma-grimace?

SIZZLER: George Michael Gets Whammed!


george michael.jpgWhen George Michael sang the words “Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body, I know not everybody has got a body like you” in 1987, I never thought that he was singing about middle aged pot-bellied men. Shows what I know.

America’s second favorite George Michael was caught emerging from the bushes in a London park following a casual encounter with a 58-year-old unemployed van driver. The singer was furious at the paparazzi for taking his picture, carelessly whispering yelling at them, “Are you gay? No? Then f*** off! This is my culture!” and “I’m a free man, I can do whatever I want,” which is the most poignant thing he’s said about the issue of Freedom since 1990.

Making the whole incident even more humiliating, George’s one-night father figure was quoted as saying “I don’t even like George Michael.” A low blow, for sure, but I’m pretty sure it won’t deter George from having more anonymous gay sex in the future. At least, I hope it doesn’t. I guess you gotta have faith.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Pirates, Monsters and Wayans, Oh My!


pirates1.jpg1. Somewhere a Disney studio exec is meeting with architects to design and build a huge swimming pool full of money like the one on Ducktales$35 million

2. I wonder why the title Monster House didn’t generate as much frenzy as Snakes on a Plane$23 million

3. Seriously, it’s been a long time since The Sixth Sense, and I can’t really figure out why anyone still bothers with M. Notgonnaseeyourmoviesmalan – $18.2 million

4. You, me and the Butterscotch Stallion$12.8 million

5. Oh those wacky Wayans brothers, what will they think of next!?! – $11 million

While You Were Doing a Down Dog With Lance Armstrong



  • Matthew McConaughey, apparently still reeling from our photoshop contest, got a little pushy with a photograther who dared to snap shots of his beachfront yoga session. Yes, the best thing to follow the Lotus position with is the ancient Paparazzi Face Punch move.
  • Nicole Richie has announced her plans to record an album. That’s kind of nice as now Paris Hilton will have a little competition for the title of Least Talented Spoiled Fame-Whore.
  • Miss Puerto Rico passed out during a news conference only 40 minutes after being crowned Miss Universe. Cut her a break – the poor girl hasn’t eaten since she was twelve.
  • Rachel Dratch is leaving SNL to go work on Tina Fey’s new sitcom, 30 Rock. So to recap, she’s leaving her job as an actress on an unfunny sketch show to play an actress on an unfunny sketch show. Sort of makes your head hurt.
  • Listen, if you’re going to make a show called Queer Duck for Paramount, there are a few rules. You may not suggest that Tom Cruise is gay. You may not suggest that Tom Cruise is straight. And certainly may not suggest that Oprah is anything but svelte divinity.

Best Night Ever: Sunday, July 23rd


It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, July 23rd! Alan is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including Chappelle’s Show, Deadwood, and Entourage!