White-Collar White Dudes Rap Better Than K-Fed

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According to Kevin Federline, he has "no choice" (3rd item) but to pollute the world with his godawful hip-hoPoZaoing "rap music", saying it’s not like he can "do construction, just start building houses in Malibu".  Yes, the cruel hand of fate (and his wife’s celebrity) has FORCED a microphone towards his face and all poor Kev can do is speak the truth about what it was like for him growing up on the mean streets of suburban Fresno. 

But that doesn’t mean we have to take it silently.  In fact, a duo of – get this – white investment bankers/"haters" have already recorded a diss track called "Wake Up, K-Fed" (right click, save as) that’s making its way around the Internet.  While it ain’t Wu Tang, this joke track sounds like the second coming of Tupac compared to Federline’s own "America’s Most Hated".  Pretty bad when you can’t even win a rap battle with a couple of bankers.

Kevs, you might want to think about picking up a hammer and nails after all – you’re gonna need to stay somewhere when wifey’s gravy train comes screeching to a halt.

Money Magazine Editors Go Job-Hunting

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Mark Dochtermann, the director of technology for Electronic Arts, has the best job in America according to Money Magazine. Sure, Dochtermann designs video games, but even he admits that mostly entails staring at a computer screen, writing code for 80 hours a week.

Check out some other jobs the magazine thinks are dreamy based on their list of the 50 best jobs in America .  If  Real Estate Appraiser, Human Resources Manager or Sales Engineer are fantasy jobs, it makes you wonder how boring working at Money Magazine really is.

LISTEN UP: Your Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • If you can’t wait for more 90′s style techno with vocals by a neurotic actress, go to TMZ to hear Brittany Murphy’s musical endeavor with Paul Oakenfold. It’s almost as cutting-edge as Little Black Book.
  • Popbytes has a mashup of Bjork’s A Hidden Place and The Cure’s The Forest. It works, especially, for teenagers who want to go to a really dark place while they’re getting dressed for school.
  • John Prine’s Fish and Whistle sounds a lot like early Bob Dylan before the god complex, the Jesus fetish or the line-drawn facial hair.  Thank Keep the Coffee Coming for this friday folk moment.   
  • Our good buddy at Advanced Theory has a cornocopia of musical youtube offerings this Friday. Take your pick from the Talking Heads, The Smiths or Tim Buckley on The Monkees. (How was that show ever canceled?)

Is MySpace Having the Best Week Ever?

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A cursory glance at Google News reveals some shocking discoveries – MySpace is having a crimewaveTeachers are harrassing teensTeens are harrassing teachersCollege students are becoming pedophiles.   The violence and chaos is getting so out of hand that the popular networking site is scrambling to contain the problem.  The MySpace Madness is causing panic in the streets (or at least the Information Superhighway)!  The government appears to be a few public service announcements short of declaring a state of MySpace Martial Law! 

What has become of this "place for friends"?  I still remember the good old days when the worst thing you had to worry about on MySpace was that one friend who leaves all those annoying videos and songs in your comments section.  Now I know what you’re thinking – this all sounds horrible, so how can MySpace be having the Best Week Ever?  Well in case you didn’t notice, people getting in trouble and getting on the news is getting MySpace tons of free publicity, causing the site to get even bigger (and the crime problem to get even worse).  So yeah, I think MySpace is having the Best Week Ever, even if many of their users potential victims are not.

Now hurry up and add us before it’s too late!  We promise we won’t harrass you (too much).

BWE Film Festival 4/14/06

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It’s a holiday weekend and what better way to kick it off then with a new collection of comedy shorts. That’s right it’s the weekly Best Week Ever Short Film Fest. Today we have three great clips starring your favorites from Best Week Ever and more! First up, is a sneak peek at a potential new HBO series. Next we have an exclusive trailer of the new Rob Corddry film Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story. The film stars BWE’s own Paul Scheer, Rob Huebel and other great comedians. The final film for today is a poignant tribute to Man and Beast, so enjoy!

And remember, if you want to submit a short to us, send it to films (at) bwe (dot) tv

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Kevin Smith on Clerks 2

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Kevin Smith babbles to the YouTube audience about putting clips on YouTube, lip synchs in front of a camera, dances in front of a camera, wonders what happens to his dignity, shows a clip from Clerks 2. In that order. Unfortunately absent from the video: Doesn’t call Reese Witherspoon a c**t again; doesn’t apologize for Jersey Girl.  [watch the Jersey Girl 2 Clerks 2trailer here]

While You Were Photoshopping Tom Cruise on the Sybian

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  • Kenny Rogers says he’s not happy about the plastic surgery he had on his eyes. No complaints about his head transplant, though.
  • Brad Pitt’s is sporting Maddox’s mo-hawk. The got your nose trick is funny, but Maddox really wants is hair back.
  • Jada Pinkett Smith says husband Will saved her from a life of drugs and promiscuous sex. Basically, having any fun.
  • There are lots of opportunities for former Dancing With the Stars participants. All of them, however, are based in Las Vegas.
  • Wilmer Valder(yo)mamma gets Erik Estrada’s blessing to make the movie version of Chips. A sigh of relief resounds across the western hemisphere.

SIZZLER: Lohan Panhandling Her Way Down Runway?

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If you see a tiny red-haired girl stumbling down 5th Avenue, knocking on the door of every high-end fashion retailer she passes, there is no cause for concern: that’s just Lindsay Lohan

After getting passed over by Louis Vuitton for a cellphone-beater earlier this week, a determined Lohan is now hitting up Versace, shamelessly begging for a spokesmodeling deal, or at least a free dress – whatever they can spare. 

On the Couch with Dr. Weiss: David Blaine

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Blaine_2 Dear Dr. Weiss,

I’ve frozen myself in blocks of ice and buried myself alive. This May, I plan to float underwater for a week(see picture). So why do I still feel so unfulfilled? Please help.

Fondly,

David Blaine

Dear David,

I’m glad you made the choice to ask for help.  But I’m afraid your latest stunt– a week in an underwater aquarium in New York’s Lincoln Center– is just another cry for help.  (letter continues after the jump)

Read more…

Best Easter Ever!

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For all you religious types who like to celebrate the resurrection of the Messiah by hunting for creme-filled chocolate eggs left by an oversize rabbit, those crazy kids over at CRACKED have put together a really funny animation series about a little boy, his chocolate bunny, and the true meaning of Easter. 

(NSFEasily Offended)