SIZZLER: Hollywood’s Beard-Coast/Stache-Coast Rivalry



If you’ve ever wondered how freaky Joel Siegel and his porn-stache get, the answer is finally here: Not… really… that freaky at all. As reported in today’s Page Six, movie critic Joel Siegel stormed out of a screening of Kevin Smith‘s highbrow comedy Clerk’s II, screaming while scrambling for the aisle “Time to go! First movie I’ve walked out of in 30 [bleeping] years!” (Although, I distinctly remember seeing him flee the theater in the middle of Splash, Too.) The tasteless scene that caused the walkout? Two characters debating whether or not to hire a woman to perform sexual favors on a donkey. Siegel, a famous ass lover and punster, would never tolerate such baseless humor.

Smith retaliates with a long-winded anti-Siegel diatribe on his personal blog (I didn’t get to finish, as I stood up halfway through reading it, announced “I’m leaving”, and stormed out of my office for the first time in 3 minutes.) Then, this morning on the Opie and Anthony Show, Joel Siegal gets the Punk’d-style treatment, when Kevin Smith, on the line anonymously, chides the critic for his unprofessional actions. (You can hear the mp3 here.)

If you want our opinion, Smith should be combing every stache-hair on Joel’s face as thanks for this free publicity. The highlight of the affair will be what headline Siegel ends up pundering. In case he’s a little low on ideas, here’s a few to inspire him:

These “Clerks” Aren’t Worth Checking Out

“Clerks” Are Jerks With None Of The Perks

Silent Bob Should Keep [Bleeping] Mouth Shut

Clerks II — More Like Clerks Doo Doo

All Jokes Aside, I Want To Die

Irrelevant Celebrities Getting Married: So Hot Right Now


pam anderson.jpgBritney and Kevin are renewing their vows. Paris Hilton swore off sex for a year. Lindsay Lohan has already hooked up with everybody in Hollywood so nothing surprises us anymore. And Nick & Jessica’s post-marital affairs would be a lot more exciting if they didn’t involve That Girl From TRL and That Comedian Everybody Liked Until They Saw Tourgasm. Things are looking bleak for our A-team… which is why the B-team is stepping up.

Yesterday Pamela Anderson stepped up and announced that she was marrying Kid Rock, presumably because Tommy Lee was busy with Supernova and said “pass.” At the same time, somewhere else on this world wide web, Fred Durst– remember him?– announced he was getting married too. Yeah. Sorry ladies. Now, to top that, the news got out today that Eddie Murphy is all set to marry “Scary” Spice Girl Mel B. They say it’s what they want, what they really, really want.

We should enjoy the time we have with these replacement players because you never know what’s going to happen. Paris and Nick could start dating tomorrow and cause a huge media frenzy, leaving Pam, Fred, Eddie and Scary in the dust. So let’s let the B-team relish their time in the sun. They kind of deserve it. Kind of.

Reality Bites: Four Shows to Revamp the Genre



Every now and again, while sitting through some 12-hour Real World marathon involving performing oral sex while simultaneously puking up your breakfast, memories of the solid sitcoms of yesteryear will flood our memories, the solid laughs, enjoyable storylines, fictional characters more pious and successful than ourselves. When did reality shows all start blending into one another?

So what is it going to take to revamp the world of reality programming? Here are a few ideas that would renew our passion for reality tv.
Read more…

PROPPED: Spaced Invaders


What would the world ever do without dorks? We’d never know the wonders of the Internet, pornography or even Devo. And we certainly wouldn’t have this awesome video, droppped by, of a live-action recreation of 80’s arcade classic Space Invaders, which takes place in an auditorium. I don’t care how many of these live-action versions of video games I see, they never cease to amaze me. Keep dropping us all this amazing besteverness.

Bulge Watch! Jack Nicholson Edition


Don’t “Degauss” your screens: That is indeed Jack Nicholson’s bulge! No word yet from the Nicholson camp about the healthy bulge he’s sporting, but there’s no denying it: those shorts are letting his bulge shine through! Hopefully, it’s a genuine bulge, and not just some extra water-weight he’s carrying around in his crotchal area.


Thanks For the Add (and Low Prices)!


thehub.JPGIf there’s anything that says hip, edgy, finger-on-the-pulse of youth culture, it is, of course, Wal Mart. That’s why it comes as no surprise that the retail giant is launching The Hub, a totally rad new place for teens to “express their style” by “making their own page” and then “showing it to the world” and just maybe “winning some fab prizes”. I mean, who needs to hang out with those lame-o’s over at MySpace (ugh, SO last year!) when they could be partying with the popular kids and doing “school your way” right here at Wal Mart? And the best part is – no creepy pedophiles! Unless, of course, the door “greeters” manage to find their way online – but they’re poor and can’t afford computers, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

It’s July 19th; What’s up?


bravo.jpgStill a little uncomfortable slipping into a bathing suit this summer? Then you probably don’t want to tune in to Bravo’s new show Work Out tonight. Instead of watching fat people (yay!) get in shape, this show focuses on hot, toned people getting even hotter and toned-er. Or is it tonier? More toned? I don’t even know.

What else is on tonight? Well, before Work Out you have a brand new episode of Project Runway, a show that’s already had more drama than the entire 5th season of The Sopranos… and the season just started!

So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

B is for Barf


patbetsy.jpgIt’s been awhile now since you first heard drunken Pat O’Brien’s filthy voicemail messages in which he tries to convince a co-worker to participate in a disgusting threesome with himself and a woman identified only as “Betsy”. Well just when you thought those scars had finally healed, our friend The Thighmaster has confronted us with the identity of Pat’s mystery sex partner by pointing out the personal blog of Betsy herself. Click on over so that you may gaze upon picture after picture of a bathrobed Pat basking in post-coital afterglow with his peroxidic love kitten. Carefully pore over every word Betsy uses to describe her international adventures in erotica with the man who once told his colleague that he, “wanted to do coke and be inside of her”. Pat won’t mind – in fact, he even recorded a personal greeting just for you!