While You Were Debating Whether Your Dog Really Needs His Two Front Legs

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  • Is Paula Abdul’s assault story fake? If you sat next to Simon Cowell everyday you’d concoct a fake assault story too, Jay.
  • George Clooney and Julia Roberts are reportedly feuding! That doesn’t make sense, she doesn’t have a blog.
  • Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan are feuding over Hollywood director Brett Ratner. Meanwhile, Ratner just wants them to kiss and make-up and kiss.
  • Lindsay Lohan’s wax figure looks similar to the actress, but Paris Hilton’s is uncanny. In fact, we could probably get rid of the real thing now.
  • Chad Michael Murray says his fiancee, Kenzie Dalton, is not pregnant. Teen pregnancy is so first season of One Tree Hill
  • CNN posts and them removes item that says Dakota Fanning is dead.   Soledad O’Brian hates the young competition. UPDATE: CNN post was solid blogger hoax. But it still doesn’t compare to the Zach Morris death hoax.

Tiny, Naked Ugly Butler or Two-Legged Dog?

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Forget teaching your dog to sit, stay or catch. Teach him how to walk upright like a person. This segment from the always hard-hitting Montel show proves that dogs can in fact walk like a people. And it’s as funny as we always imagined it would be.

Condoleezza + Watermelon = Racism

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The Smoking Gun reports that students at Bellevue Community College in Washington were given a sample test that included an algebra problem that involved someone named Condoleezza, a watermelon, and a Federal building. Hmmm… I wonder what they were going for with that? The first line in the problem reads:

Condoleezza holds a watermelon just over the edge of roof of the 300 foot Federal Building, and tosses it up witha  velocity of 20ft per second.

The President of the school apologized to students for this "institutional racism", and the professor who wrote the question is currently seeking senstivity training. Now, I’m pretty good with math, but the one factor I really don’t understand in this whole thing is… Condoleezza Rice: she’s black? [You can read the entire math problem here]

Will The Real Jon Stewart Please Stand Up?

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A charter school in Utah has something to be embarrassed about. Well, something else to be embarrassed about (besides being located in Utah.) The DaVinci Academy thought they made a deal with Daily Show host Jon Stewart to make an appearance at the school’s annual benefit dinner next week. They sent out 500 invitations to businesses and planned for 900 people to attend. Everything was going to be great. But one problem. They booked the wrong Jon Stewart.

Instead of booking Death To Smoochy’s Jon Stewart, they booked former motivational speaker slash professional wrestler Jon Alan Stewart. Whoops. When they learned of the mistake they canceled Jon A., and  sent out a notice offering refunds to those who purchased a ticket thinking they were going to meet one of the stars of The Faculty. Jon A., meanwhile, is believed to be so devasted he can barely bring himself to elbow drop grown men in speedos from the top rope anymore.

You can read the news story here. Or you can just click below to see the best of both worlds.

Read more…

Sir Math-A-Lot

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(S+C) x (B+F) / (T-V)

Ladies, do you have any idea what the golden ratio shown above really means?  If not, you might want to put down that beauty magazine for a moment and brush up on your math skills, because what you’re looking at is the recently-discovered scientific equation for the perfect butt

Find out how to breakdown your buns, hun – and mine – after the jump.

Read more…

LUKE WARM SIZZLER: Trishelle and Duritz?

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Neither women nor men, can figure out the mystery of Counting Crow’s singer Adam Duritz and his surprising success with hot women.  The pudgy, side-show Bob-esque singer has dated stunningly attractive women like Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston, Monica Potter and Mary Louise Parker. And now he’s reportedly linked to Real World/Surreal Life sexpot Trishelle Canntella. So how did dowdy Duritz land another hottie? Well, Trishelle was linked to effeminate comedian Andy Dick. So maybe she likes dating ‘down’ and we know he only dates ‘up.’ Maybe somwhere in the middle is love. (I think I just wrote the single on Duritz’s next album.)

END THIS TREND: Freaky Celebrity Sculptures

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History has shown us that nothing ruins art as quickly as commerce, but that was before celebrities came along.   If things keep up like this, in 15 years the Metropolitan Museum of Art is going to look like Madame Tussaud’s. 

As if the emotionally-scarring "Britney Spears Debuting Sean Preston To the World" statue wasn’t enough, now there’s the "Kate Moss Coke-Fueled Pre-Coital Vagina Presentation" sculpture you’re unable to stop looking at on your left. 

Look, I know it’s tempting for you starving artists to throw together a "Lindsay Lohan Saturday Night Bathroom Break at Bungalow 8" sculpture to get some press and sell some work, but this trend seriously needs to end now before real damage is done and someone unviels their inevitable "Katie Holmes Gives Silent Birth While Tom Cruise Hovers Above Her Like Zool From Ghostbusters" Masterpiece. 

I just don’t think my fragile psyche can handle that. 

While You Were Passing Over

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  • A Japanese cinema will screen the Colin Farrell movie The New World in "smellovision." They tried this with Farrell’s last movie, Alexander… It stunk. (Thank you, I’ll be here all week.)
  • Pete Doherty missed his most recent court appearance because he was stuck in Paris. Miss Hilton has yet to comment.
  • Tickets for Madonna’s forthcoming shows at Madison Square Garden sold out in ten minutes. Unlike Madonna, who actually waited a couple of years before selling out.
  • The NY Post reports that scientists have developed a formula that determines what makes a great ass. As expected, working for the NY Post is one of the characteristics.
  • Michael Douglas impersonates legendary actor Richard Burton to get wife Catherine Zeta-Jones hot in bed. Like Burton, he just lays there, dead.
  • "I just picked up something and knew at that moment she was pregnant, because I notice things in people."- Tom Cruise, on how he knew Katie was pregnant before she told him, and how he knows the rest of us think he’s completely insane.

It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye…

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For those of you who’ve been unable to properly rest or relax since last week’s announcement of the big Katie Couric-Meredith Vieira-Today-The View switcheroo, fear not! 

A quick glance at this video from Comedy Central and your misgivings will be quelled, as you realize that these two women are really just one in the same. 

Life really does go on.