While You Were Literally Having a Watercooler Conversation About 24

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    Britney Spears
    plans on taking a break from music to focus on her acting career. First on her to do list: Start an acting career.
  • Katie Holmes is banned from speaking to her baby for a week after it’s born. But unfortunately, Tom Cruise is not banned from speaking to the baby at all.
  • Fred Durst is using his MySpace page to attack former Limp Bizkit guitarist Wes Borland. And to message teenage girls "Yo, you fine. Ever hear of Limp Bizkit? Send pics."
  • Eva Longoria says she added an inch of muscle to her butt. Funny… I offered to do the same thing for her in a piece of fan mail I sent.
  • Lisa Kudrow has vowed to stay away from TV to give Friends fans more time to get over the show. Unless of course you’re willing to hire her. In that case, she’s available. And she’ll be there. On time. Ready to go.
  • Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton have recorded a duet of "The Second Time Around" for Bolton’s new CD, Bolton Swings Sinatra. Read that sentence again. Okay, one more time. Great. Now let me know when this all sinks in, I’ll bring the Kool Aid.

SIZZLER: Frankie Hits the Road

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Sorry Hollywood execs, but  Frankie Muniz won’t be starring in your next big blockbuster romantic action thriller. We’re saddened to announce that the 20 year-old Malcom in the Middle star, who happens to be suspended in mid-puberty, is giving up acting for the next couple of years to persue race-car driving.

We know, he would have been perfect as the next James Bond or as a surly but dashing British baron in the next Jane Austen adaptation. Sorry ladies, this bad-boy has only one true love: fast cars (and his retainer –it’s zebra-patterned!)

(via ontd)

Whitney Houston Is the New Rick James

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Wbag2Whitney Houston has been all over the tabloids these past few weeks, with seperate reports of both her raging crack habit and penchant for sex-toy-enhanced lesbian loving. But who can believe the gossip rags these days? Luckily, CRACKED has gotten their hands on the official press release, a missive from Whitney herself. And you know what? From now on, she’s only getting high on life and free cocaine.

…Of The Day

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OBVIOUS ADVICE: Kevin Federline’s ex-gf warns Britney she better lose some weight or he’s gonna leave her ass for a white girl. (Starpulse)

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND: The Hunter was once The Hunted– Dick Cheney was shot in a hunting accident in the 90′s. You can stop cheering now. (The Huffington Post)

CITY: Denver. Real World 18 is heading to the sunshine state (gorgeous!) (Reality Blurred)

GOOD NEWS FOR GEEKS: Some Playstation 3 videos have leaked onto the web. (DoubleViking)

BAD NEWS FOR GEEKS: Dave Hill is going to make fun of you. (YouTube)

NAME CHANGE: Jack White’s side project The Raconteurs will be known as The Saboteurs down under. The Fosters commercials were right, those Australians really do have a whole other language down there. (NME)

NOW SCREENING: Just My Luck

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Lindsay Lohan’s next big movie Just My luck stars the actress as a young Manhattan socialite with great luck who falls in love with a hot guy with terrible luck.  When the two kiss, they swap lucks ala Freaky Friday, and adorableness ensues.

But if you’re like me, you need more than this lame synopsis of the film to tide you over till the Movie’s May 12th release. Just our luck, I stumbled on a series of Just My Luck film stills and based on every romantic comedy ever made, I was able to predict what actually happens in the movie. Check it out after the jump…

Read more…

SIZZLER: Meredith Vieira Abused Before Ever Meeting Joy Behar

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Meredith Vieira
, veteran of The View and recently crowned co-host of Today, is the latest in a string of celebs who have bravely come forward and admitted to being abused in the past in exchange for press.  Following in the unnecessarily forthcoming, positive publicity-hungry footsteps of Teri Hatcher and Tom Cruise, Vieira claims that one of her ex-boyfriends was in the all-too-common habit of slapping her around then pleading that "he’s sorry and really loves her", once even throwing the future TV star out of their apartment completely naked. 

The silver lining is that these experiences have only made her stronger, as she’s now better prepared to handle all the verbal, physical and psychological abuse glib co-host Matt Lauer is preparing to hurl upon her.

Singing Like A Soprano– A Flashback

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Getting caught at a gay club during last night’s episode of The Sopranos is going to be the least of Vito’s worries once this video gets out. Check out this piece from the Best Week Ever archives– we’re going way back to 2004, when Vito Spatafore was caught giving another guy… um, how can I put this gently?… in the words of Paul F. Tompkins, a "Mouth Hug." Enjoy this blast from the past (no pun intended).

While You Weren’t Cheating On Your Taxes, But Just Flirting A Little

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  • MonsterGLAAD is honoring Charlize Theron for her efforts in improving the image of the gay community by playing a terrifying lesbian serial-killer in Monster.
  • Are Jude Law and Sienna Miller getting back together?  Doesn’t matter – just use this as an opportunity to visualize the kind of make-up sex they would have.
  • Melanie Griffith is being sued for not revealing the name of the fashion designer responsible for how she looked at a recent red carpet appearance.  Following suit, the drug company that makes Xanax is planning a massive lawsuit against all of Hollywood. 
  • Rapper Nelly wants to do more acting, but isn’t ready to cry on cue yet.  Not to worry, though – once he’s blown through what’s left of his "hasn’t been hot in herrre in awhile" fortune on gold teeth and diamond-plated bathroom floors, he’ll be sobbing like Sally Field on Oscar night.
  • A prison guard was recently disclipined after screening Brokeback Mountain for the inmates.  He defended himself by insisting that it was "a real crowd-pleaser".
  • Is Jamie-Lynn Spears finally ready to follow in her big sister’s footsteps and become a smoking hot sex symbol before spiraling deeper and deeper into a confusing of  unattractiveness and self-destruction?