While You Were Pouring Red Bull Into Your Coffee

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  • Desperate Housewives G-lister Jesse Metcalf and his posse roll deep.  However, not deep enough to get through the front door at Teddy’s nightclub.  Or the back door.
  • Paris and Starving Nachos, however, did get in.  Ouch.
  • Ex-boybander Justin Timberlake is set to play the lead role in an action movie similar to Rambo.  In other pop singer action movie casting news, Michael Jackson is The Predator.
  • Coming in 2047: cyber-George Clooney and geriatric pal Brad Pitt star in Ocean’s 47
  • The Bachelor couple broke up in like a week, yet The Biggest Loser couple just got engaged.  Score one for the nerds.
  • John Kerry hates celery.  But not as much as he hates America.

SIZZLER: Tom says SHHHHH

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We think Katie Holmes has been a great partner to Tom Cruise throughout her pregnancy. Our only complaint is that she’s way too noisy.  While she usually lets Tom do most of the talking, the few times she does speak her voice threatens to bother the baby. Which is why we’re thrilled Katie decided to birth her baby in complete and utter silence.

In fact, she’s not the only one who can’t make noise. Tom has posted a sign outside their mansion requesting silence and slow physical movement anywhere near the unborn baby. Any loud noise from Katie, the doctors or any one else involved in the birthing process could be detrimental and irritating to Tom, we mean the baby.

Best Night Ever: Monday March 27, 2006

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Hey, guess what, after watching WifeSwap, Prison Break, 24, and The New Adventures of Old Christine last night, I’m willing to say that I had the best night ever. Check it out.

SIZZLER: Star Jones Calls Joy Behar the B Word

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Star Jones called into The View to talk about her breast lift, and apparently Joy Behar got sick of hearing about it. After Jones talked about for a while about how the lift was quite a hoist, Behar took the bull by the horns:

… Behar grabbed a pen and furiously scribbled a note, then gestured to Meredith Vieira to read the note, tapping the paper for emphasis. "Last Friday was my 44th birthday, but my boobs still think they’re 20," Jones said – and that’s when Behar heard enough. "OK, Star. That’s enough about you. On to us. ‘Bye," she snapped.
Behar was bleeped when she added "Keep your [breasts] perky!" in a mock-cheerful voice. "I’m glad to see you haven’t changed," Jones shot back. "Even today, you are still a b***h," she said before the call was abruptly cut off.

Do I detect a note of jealousy?

See the video!

…OF THE DAY

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  • BRIDGE GAME: Pat Boone, Sam Donaldson, Ice-T, and Ron Jeremy. They all appear in the documentary F*ck (at least I think that’s what it’s called).
  • SAAAAA-LUTE! To the late Buck Owens, host of Hee Haw and a truly great guitarist.
  • BALDWIN BROTHER: Stephen. He was joined by the Catholic Citizenship organization in his battle against a porn store near his house. 
  • POSSIBLE AMBIEN SITUATION: Man divorces wife in his sleep. Sohela Ansari and her husband Aftab were forced by Islamic leaders to split after she told friends that her husband said "talaq," or divorce, three times in his sleep.
  • ANSWER TO LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND ZETA: 42. Just read.
  • SONG BY ME: "Don’t Cancel Tony" A desperate plea. (right click, save as)

Everything I Ever Wanted to Know About Sex, I Learned From Disney

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Just like grandma, Disney knows more about sex than you gave it credit for. Two sex-ed films by the iconic children’s entertainment company have been floating around the Internet. One’s an informational guide to menstruation that makes your period seem like a visit from a fairy godmother. The other is a war-themed film on how to fight STD’s (called VD’s then) told from the perspective of a pooh-shaped disease who also happens to be a general. Apparently in those days, to cure yourself of an STD, all you needed was a little soap and a good pee.    

While You Were Gearing Up For Tonight’s ’24′

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    Scarlett Johansson
    tops this year’s FHM "100 Sexiest Women In The World" poll. I have no problem with that.
  • Rod Stewart is set to guest star on an upcoming episode of American Idol. While parents are set to have to explain to their children who the creepy old wrinkly man is.
  • Reese Witherspoon is sick and tired of the press’ speculation that her marriage to Ryan Phillippe is on the rocks. Phillippe, meanwhile, is just happy to get a mention.
  • Ocean’s 13 is gearing up to start filming, but Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones won’t be involved. And after seeing Ocean’s 12, neither will  I.
  • Bruce Willis thrilled Bruce Willis fans by appearing on stage with the Allman Brothers on Friday night. Allman Brothers fans said to be devastated.
  • Morrissey is boycotting Canada on account of their annual seal hunt. Seal boycotting Canada for the exact same reason.
  • The WWE announced the launch of the WWE Music Group. Upon hearing the news, Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Tatanka bolted right to the studio to start laying down tracks.

UPDATE: Kevin Smith’s UPenn Speech Exceeds Student’s Expectations

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Even before Kevin Smith gave his speech at the University of Pennsylvania, where he called Reese Witherspoon a See You Next Tuesday and told anecdotes of Nicole Richie doing blow and nailing good buddy Jason Mewes in a bathroom, the campus was abuzz with anticipation of his arrival. According to an article in the Daily Pennsylvanian,  written before the event, organizers predicted his "speech would likely have wide appeal" and expected the speech would be rife with "allusions to Star Wars and New Jersey."

The paper explains the the Mallrats director was chosen by a survey of the student body. After last year’s guest speaker Martin Sheen provided a snoozefest with his discussion about "his commitment to community service," undergrads were committed to scoring a lecturer who would hold their attention for five minutes. Smart move.

Kilmer or Wilmer?

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If you’re like me, you are always mixing up Val Kilmer and Wilmer Valderrama. That’s why we’ve created this game to help you tell them apart. So, try to guess: Kilmer or Wilmer?

  • Is part Cherokee Indian.
  • Co-owns an Italian restaurant.
  • Was romantically linked to Sharon Stone.
  • Enjoys scuba diving.
  • Has been romantically linked to Paris Hilton.
  • Was born in Florida.
  • Was 4′ 11" when he entered high school.
  • Considered launching his own line of jewelry.

Answers after the jump.

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