SIZZLER: Springer Ain’t Got Nothin’ on Spears

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Star Magazine has informed us that Child Services finally got off their lazy asses and made a heroic trip over to the Spears/Federline home in an attempt to spare Sean Preston from the cruelty of being cared for by his freakshow parents.  Britney’s baby-on-the-lap frenzied driving, combined with Kevin’s incessant "hip-hopping" proved to be too much for the toddler, who  apparently tried to end it all by jumping off his high-chair and fracturing his skull.

TIVO ALERT: Live From New York, It’s Something Actually Funny!

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Over the past few years, as SNL has gone from an edgy, smartly-written sketch show to a series of ill-conceived Lindsay Lohan impressions with a few "Lazy Sundays" peppered throughout to keep the show from completely sinking, the one true highlight each week are Robert Smigel’s genius Saturday TV Funhouse segments.  From the classic "Ambigously Gay Duo" series to his razor sharp political satire, Smigel rarely hits a false – or unfunny – note, which is why I’m proud to bear the best piece of SNL news since we found out Fallon was leaving:

NBC’s "Saturday Night Live" presents a
special "Best Of" compilation on April 29
featuring the first-ever collection of "Saturday TV Funhouse" shorts by
acclaimed comedian Robert Smigel.


The special will be hosted by "The Ambiguously Gay Duo," Ace and Gary
(voiced, as ever, by Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell) and will feature
new material starring the subtly homoerotic superheroes performing an
"SNL" monologue as well as interacting "live" with the current cast
throughout the show.

And how did I not know The Duo was voiced by Colbert and Carrell???

LISTEN UP: Your Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • There’s an old saying that goes "nobody should be allowed to cover Hall & Oates unless their name is P.J. Pooterhoots." Check out their chemically-altered version of "I Can’t Go For That," courtesy of Scissorkick.
  • Nothing good came out of suicidal cult Heaven’s Gate, except Porcupine Tree’s lovely song "Last Chance to Evacuate the Planet Before it Is Recycled," hosted by Aurgasm. The song features eerie audio of the Cult leader’s explanation of his alien status and his plan to hitch a ride on Halle Bop.
  • Said the Gramophone has The Pendulum’s brand new song called Brand New Song. I only wish their band was called The Band.
  • If you liked Bob’s baseball game, you’ll love Buddy Johnson’s song Did you see Jackie Robinson Hit that Ball. Why? They’re both about baseball.  Jeez, what a stoopid question. Thanks to Tuwa’s Shanty.
  • If you couldn’t get tickets to Martha Wainwright and Neko Case’s recent concert, NPR is coming to your rescue with a few tracks recorded from the performance. If you did get to see them and you still want to hear them, then you’re just being greedy. (Via My Old Kentucky Blog)

Mini Kiss vs. Tiny Kiss: The Biggest Little Battle Ever

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Mini_kiss_2When two rival bands of dwarves fight, nobody wins. Well, I guess unless you happen to witness it in person. In that case I bet it’d be hilarious.

Anyway. The 4’4" lead singer of the KISS tribute band Mini Kiss, Joey Fatale, is denying reports that he tried to sneak past security at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas to confront 4′ "Little" Tim Loomis of Tiny Kiss for ripping off his idea for a group. It’s not revealed how Fatale attempted to get past security, but it’s assumed he either crawled under a snack cart, hid beneath a blanket in a baby carriage, or stuffed himself in somebody’s guitar case like they do in the movies.

While Little Loomis claims he had Fatale thrown out of the hotel, Fatale insists that he left on his own. The two men used to be friends (Little was the original drummer for Mini before starting Tiny), so it’s a shame like a little tiny thing like this would come between them. I’m a teensy bit upset. Granted it’s a small world, but a little competition never hurt anyone.  Hopefully they grow from this. Because life is short.

[read the full story here]

Vanity Fair Is Turning Into Hustler

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To continue with today’s unofficial porn-y theme, it has recently come to my attention that Vanity Fair, a one-time respected outpost of grocery line journalism, is devolving into a total smut mag.  Last month’s "Hollywood" issue had nudie pics of Sienna Miller’s boobs, Angelina Jolie’s bottom, and of course the infamous Scarlett Johanssen/Kiera Knightley/Random Dude nekkid cover. 

Now this month VF is back to their pornographic ways with inexplicable naked pictures of Felicity’s Keri Russell.  Stay on the lookout next month for their 8-page pictorial of Sharon Stone’s vagina!

While You Were Wishing You Didn’t Miss Last Night’s CMT Awards

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Paris Hilton Attempts To Kill Hugh Hefner

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Paris_hefAt Hugh Hefner’s 80th birthday party, Paris HIlton was able to do the unthinkable: Out-Whore all the Bunnies, Pornstars and everybody else at the Playboy Mansion. What a woman!

If you head over to Playboy.com’s Happy Birthday Hef page and watch the Celebrity Shout-Outs and Serenades you’ll see what I mean. Towards the end of the video a nearly-naked Paris belts out a version of "Happy Birthday" that’s going to make Hef think about Marilyn Monroe… and how lucky she is to be dead.

"I love you Hef. You’re amazing. You’re 80 but you act like you’re 20, you look like you’re 40. You’re hot. Love you. Happy birthday."

Happy birthday indeed, Hef. Happy birthday indeed.

[Other celebs wishing Hef a happy birthday in the video: Donald Trump, The Three-6 Mafia, Jenna Jameson, Travis Barker & Shanna Moakler, Bill Maher, and Oliver Stone]

Celebrity Pilots: Stop the Insanity!

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When Tom Cruise flew his vintage World War II plane this weekend as Katie Holmes prepared to give birth, it got me thinking: What is the deal with crazy celebrities and their planes?

If Tom’s trying to change public opinion about his creepiness, it doesn’t help when he throws on his bomber jacket ala Maverick and takes his fighter pilot for a spin.

And why the hell does John Travolta always wear a pilot’s suit? I mean I know he can fly a plane but does that mean I should salute him like an American hero? If I had a lot of money and lived in Jumbolair, a village that doubles as a landing strip, then I would probably learn to fly too.

Read more…

… Priceless

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Who isn’t sick of those obnoxious "blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah… Priceless" Mastercard commercials? I feel like I can’t even remember a world pre-Priceless commercials, as much as I’d like to. Well, even though I’m aggrevated, that’s not going to stop me from entering the Mastercard Priceless Contest. "You fill in the blanks, we’ll air the best one." Right.

Something tells me they’re not going to go with the "best one." If you’ve seen any of these parodies, you know what I’m talking about. I have a feeling the winning entry we see on television won’t contain a passed-out pantless woman, a visible public erection, or a dorky guy with a Mangina. Call it a hunch. [You can see all of these, and oh-so-much more, over at HumpingFrog] Priceless indeed.