CINEMA’S GOLDEN ERA: Weekend Box Office Results

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Madea
Here are the top 5 films Americans spent their hard-earned dollars on this week:

1.  Young black male comedians dressed as cranky old black women seem to pretty much guarantee a large opening weekend, no matter how many times it has been done before – $30.25 million (yes, you read that correctly)

2.  Paul Walker sleds around Antartica and forms a touching bond with the dogs who pull him – $15.7 million

3.  Steve Martin desperately clenching on to his own relevancy – $11.3 million

4.  Not another stupid spoof movie – $9.2

5.  No one seems to be very curious about seeing George – $7 million

CENSORED: Drew Lachey’s Brokeback Moment

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By now everybody knows that Nick Lachey’s brother Drew won ABC’s Dancing With The Stars competition last night. The former 98 Degrees-er proved what I’ve been saying for years: Ex-Boy Band Members are much better dancers than professional wrestlers and aging retired football players. Finally, I have the proof I’ve been searching for.

The craziest moment of last night’s finale wasn’t Drew’s perfect freestyle, complete with a Dirty Dancing-esque leapfrog maneuver. Instead, it was his Brokeback Mountain joke… a joke that was deemed so "controversial" it was edited out of the West Coast feed. Want to see what all the fuss was about? Watch it here:

Scandalous! Check out some of Piper’s favorite Dancing With The Stars moments from this season after the jump.

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While You Were Asking Your Clerk Who That Blond Woman Is in the Front Row

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Anna_nicole

  • Anna Nicole Smith will appear at the Supreme Court on Tuesday. Sure, you laugh, but she’s more qualified than Harriet Miers.
  • Jamie Foxx was picked as best male musical artist at the 37th Annual NAACP Image Awards. I’ll support anything that will get another special like Unpredictable.
  • The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown was accused of taking material from a 1982 book about the Holy Grail. Oprah ready to pounce.
  • Jessica Simpson was honored at a special dinner with the governor of New Mexico. The governor said she was nice, but a little wonkish.
  • Cryin’ fellow: SNL alum Tracy Morgan was given three years’ probation after pleading no contest to drunken driving.
  • Want to know how Jennifer Aniston got bikini waxes before she became a star? Her bitter old roommate will be happy to tell you.

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Follow the Bouncing Breasts

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Bo_derek10

The company Shock Absorber sells sports bras, and their website  demonstrates convincingly (and quite vividly) the need for their product. If you are a size DD, I really feel for you. The whole thing is educational for men and women, but NSFW.

(Thanks to AdRants.)

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: American Idol in 116 Seconds

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Simon_cowellGuess what: you no longer have to watch an entire boring season of American Idol to listen to Simon Cowell insult people and tell them they’ll never have a career in music. Now you can find it all in one place!

Here’s a video compilation of some of Simon greatest insults. Towards the contestants, that is. If you want a video of Simon attacking Paula, Randy, and Ryan Seacrest you’re just going to have to make it yourself.

p.s. Has anybody else noticed how Simon has the Jay Leno chin going on? I had no clue.

While You Were Mainlining Espresso

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Michaelcera_1

  • Singer George Michael was arrested for possession of controlled substances.  Police also found a large stash of porn, sex toys and sex masks in the trunk of the vehicle.  Michael was reportedly furious that the officers wouldn’t allow him to take these "jail supplies" into his cell.
  • Kate Moss is now more wealthy than she was before her recent cocaine scandal.  See kids, if you work hard, follow your dreams, and hoover up as much blow as possible, you too can enjoy fame and fortune.
  • Homophobic Clay Aiken fans reportedly want their money back now that they’ve discovered the singer might be gay.  Aiken reps responded with the statement, "What part of flamboyant, girlish, Broadway-obsessed pop singer do you people not understand?"
  • Drew Lachey managed to win "Dancing With the Stars" despite not being a star.
  • Ryan Seacrest managed to make out with a stripper, despite seeming like he actually might be probably sort of gay.
  • Mischa Barton: "I’m not sexy."  Alex Blagg: "Yes, yes you are."

SIZZLER: George Michael Not Woken Up Before He Could Go Go

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George

George Michael was arrested on suspicion of possessing drugs’ yesterday after he was found passed out in his car. Police found weed, ‘liquid ecstasy’ and a cache of pornographic masks and toys in his car. The police reportedly discovered Michael in his car "with his head slumped against the wheel"–an improvement from his last arrest in 1998 when he was found slumped against something else.