Paul Scheer’s Rockstar Guide to SXSW

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Ever wonder what kind of gift bag a rock star like Ted Leo, Rhett Miller, or Paul Scheer gets at South By Southwest? Well, wonder no more. Watch this video and learn what you need to live like a rock star during the festival.

Lifetime: Television for Certain Women

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Fantasia_barrinoLiftetime has just released its 2006-07 schedule and they are promising that women will "find their own story." And that’s true if you are a former American Idol contestant with the same name as a Disney movie, married to a high-powered political consultant who happens to represent the party you don’t represent, work at a matchmaking agency that pretends it’s in Beverly Hills but is actually in Tarzana, or are an agent for Hollywood pets. 

Full descriptions of the shows after the jump!

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Is Jonathan Antin having the Best Week Ever?

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Blowout_haston2

Sure, season three of his totally sexy, totally hot, totally laid-back reality show Blow Out is premiering tonight. But that’s not the only reason why Jonathan Antin is having the best week ever. The real reason is that Jonathan has created the ultimate Jonathan Product (drink). Remember last season when the genius hair stylist had the genius idea to create a shower spout that shoots purified water? Yup we all thought that idea was so crazy it just might work. But his detractors said it couldn’t be done. But like Edison, Franklin and the great inventors that came before him, Jonathan forged ahead.

Introducing Beauty Water– a shower purification system(water filter) that replaces disgustingly dirty water designed for commoners with crystalline lush water guaranteed to make lustrous celebrity hair even more lustrous. Not since sister Robin Antin created the Pussycat Dolls, has the world seen such a life-altering innovation.

TIVO THIS: Anna Benson on The O’Reilly Factor

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You probably have a couple of questions right now. Like, why should I Tivo Anna Benson’s appearance on The O’Reilly Factor tonight? And more specificially, who’s Anna Benson? Well, here’s all you need to know:Anna_benson

  • Her husband is Baltimore Orioles pitcher Kris Benson.
  • She was named baseball’s hottest housewife by FHM.
  • During that FHM interview, she told her husband that if he won the Cy Young he could do anything he wanted to her. And then added "that’s 50 times up the a** for free."
  • Last year when Kris playing for the Mets and Anna went on the Howard Stern show and announced "I told him cheat on me all you want. If you get caught I’m going to screw everybody on your entire team– coaches, trainers, players– I would do everybody on his whole team."
  • Oh, and she used to a stripper. Shocking, right?

Yes. This woman will be on The O’Reilly Factor TONIGHT, alongside Newt Gingrich. I couldn’t make that up if I tried. I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen. I think there’s going to be a love connection. What do you think?

Thanks to Deadspin for the heads up.

Front Row at Agent Provcateur

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After looking at pictures from the Agent Provacteur Fall 2006 show, I have to ask: Why does Cher look younger than Courtney Love? Are Courtney Love, Carmen Electra, and Kimberly Stewart super-duper best fashion friends? And, most important, when did Christina Aguilera get so beautiful?

Pics after the jump…

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YOU BE THE JUDGE: Worst Rapper of All Time

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Shaq
There’s nothing quite so wonderful as the vanity rap song.  Pioneered by masters of the form such as Shaquille O’Neal, Deion Sanders, Allen Iverson and Ron Artest, it seems that an athlete simply can’t be superstar without a godawful hip-hop track with lyrics that sound like they were written by a dyslexic fourth grader. 

Anyway, the latest MC master to throw his hat into the ring is none other that football bad boy Terrell Owens

My question to you is this: which would be most effective as a form of torture – TO or KFed?  Answer in the comments.

While You Were Resolving To Eat Salad

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  • As if they weren’t already cartoonish enough, Paris and Nicky Hilton are planning an animated series about their lives.  If you’re going to let your kids watch, make sure they sit super-close to the TV, eating a big bowl of frosted sugar, on a pile of dirty needles, preferably near a chemical spill. 
  • Kevin Federline.  New "track".  MySpace.  Papa-wow, this is amazing music
  • Oprah is boycotting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  The rest of the media hopefully, mercifully to follow. 
  • In a SHOCKING turn of events, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have announced that this week’s season premiere of the show will spoof all the recent controversy surrounding last season’s Scientology episode.  God bless the press. 
  • Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke dissed British Prime Minister Tony Blair this week, refusing to meet with him to discuss climate changes.  Yet again, Thom Yorke has totally ripped off Jessica Simpson.  What a copycat.
  • A week later, the press is finally coming to the realization (7th item) that adding Google Maps to your day-old reader-submitted celebrity sightings report isn’t exactly a life-threatening problem for famous people. 

LISTEN UP: Your Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Karen_o
    I don’t know how I missed this yesterday, but MOKB posted a bunch of pictures from SXSW and included some mp3s. Head over there before it’s too late and grab tracks by SXSW faves What Made Milwaukee Famous, Tapes ‘n Tapes, Field Music, and more.
  • The only reason to go over to go over to Badminton Stamps  and download the Arctic Monkeys demo called "Cigarette Smoke" is because they rhyme "cigarette smoke in your eyes" and "snorting some coke off her thighs." That’s good enough for me.
  • The new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album comes out next week. Whet your appetite with the track "Let Me Know" posted over at Rock n Roll in the Real World. It’s a new track but it’s not on the album, so you won’t be spoiling anything if you’ve been holding out.
  • A half Dutch/ half English version of the Counting Crows song "Holiday In Spain"? It’s so bizarre it kind of actually works. Check it out here, via Audiography.
  • Stereogum has the Moby song "When It’s Cold I’d Like To Die" that was used in this Sunday’s Sopranos. He doesn’t, though, have an answer as to what the hell is going to happen to Tony.

The Apprentice’s Biggest Loser

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Last night, Brent Buckman was kicked off The Apprentice, in part for being too fat to sell cereal. The overweight attorney from Canada, took the heat in the boardroom for Synergy’s failure to win over Post cereal executives. But mostly he was booted for being unanimously considered annoying by all his teammates (who incidentally all had "beautiful figures"  according Trump.)

It appears that Buckman took his fat fish in a small pond experience to heart, and sought revenge on both his teammates and breakfast cereal. According to his website,  Buckman has lost 110 pounds on a own diet of his own creation. The weight loss plan? It consists solely of the breakfast cereal’s biggest competition: The Bagel.  Revenge is sweet (and buttered)