24: Painting The White House Black

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I held out on writing about this week’s episode of 24 yesterday because I wanted to give those of you who decided to TIVO the episode and watch the NCAA Finals or some opening day baseball an extra day to get around to watching it. Well, I can’t wait any longer. We have to discuss. So, if you still haven’t seen it, here’s your warning: Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert.
Logan

President Logan
is behind the whole f**king thing?!?!?! Are you KIDDING me?????

Listen, I’m willing to believe that Jack survived a fiery explosion last week. I’m willing to believe that Henderson/Robocop came back from the dead to stab Tony in the heart with a syringe and escape a recently gassed CTU scott free. And I’m willing to believe that the superhot Kim Bauer would date an ugly guy with a really thick goatee. But I can’t believe that President P*ssy (as he’s lovingly referred to as in the TVGasm Comments section) could mastermind this whole attack. The guy can’t even control his wife! Something doesn’t add up. The only twist that would have been less believable is if Jack were behind the whole thing. Hmmm. On that thought…

[In Case You Missed It, you can head on over to TVGasm for a complete/hilarious recap of the episode.]

SIZZLER: Katie’s Post-Modern Birth

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Cruise_holmes_large

So far, Katie Holmes pregnancy has been increasingly surreal, packed with over-enthusiastic smiles, questionable stomach bumps, personal sonograms and promises of a an absolutely silent birth. But according to Tom’s directorial vision,  this birth still isn’t David Lynch-y enough.

So with his obscure eye for social commentary, Cruise has decided to stuff the pre-natal Holmes not only with loads of spicy Indian food but also with an adult sized pacifier (and we don’t mean Vin Diesel). Just imagine the haunting image of Katie in a noise-reduction chamber,  chewing on a curry-flavored pacifier, surrounded by Scientologist handmaidens. Now if he could just get some embryos to fall from the ceiling (a la Eraserhead) the birth of little Cruise Jr, could be canonized in college level film classes everywhere.

Making Fun of Those (More) Fortunate

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Look_bookSometimes Alex and I get tired of making fun of talented celebrities, reality TV stars and Paris Hilton. When that happens, we have to direct our rage to more traditional targets like the stupid, the ugly, or Molly from the Travel Issue of New York magazine.

I mean, look at her. She’s just asking for it.

So head over to Gawker and check out their latest Looking At The Look Book column. You’ll see that we treat the average British writer/artist/musician with the same tender love and understanding that we do Lindsay Lohan or Colin Farrell. Okay, maybe not Colin Farrell. But he’s an a**hole.

…OF THE DAY

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  • CavallariDISCOURAGING HEADLINE: "Nuke plant gets new locks after keys lost." (Reuters)
  • ENCOURAGING MUSIC NEWS: Radiohead’s new album nears completion. (Rolling Stone)
  • GOOD NEWS FOR BAD ACTORS: Kristin Cavallari lands a role in an upcoming movie. (MTV)
  • BAD NEWS FOR REPO MEN: Fearsome rap mogul Suge Knight has filed bankruptcy.  (Yahoo! News)
  • DISABLED LIST I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE ON: British soccer star misses match after dropping scalding water on his genitals.  (Mirror)
  • REPUBLICAN DREAM COME TRUE: San Francisco is sliding into the ocean. (Coastsider)
  • POOR VIAGRA ALTERNATIVE: A female teacher had sex with a 13 year-old student 28 times in one week! (The Smoking Gun)

SIZZLER: Paris Has One Less Friend

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Vemmy_hilton

In an upcoming interview with Elle Magazine, Paris Hilton explains what happened between her and her former best friend:

  • "She cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don’t care about her"
  • "I’ve been best friends with her since I was two, but when I brought her on to my show, she got very jealous and turned on me for no reason."
  • "They want to do it [The Simple Life] with just me, but we’re both under contract together. She has nothing else so she really wants to do it, but I don’t."
  • "It’s really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she’s obviously not enough."
  • "She’s not the same person any more. I never want to speak to her again – ever.

That’s right, Paris, f*ck Tinkerbell Hilton! She was just using you– good riddance to her. Now that Nicole, on the other hand, she’s a keeper.

While You Were Loving The Extra Hour of Daylight

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  • Bob_ross
    Hugh Hefner
    has apologized to Jessica Alba for making people think she was in Playboy. Next up, apologizing to men everywhere for making them think that Jessica Alba was in Playboy.
  • Matthew McConaughey has converted vegetarian Penelope Cruz into a carnivore. Her extinction is no longer imminent.
  • Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss, and Courtney Love are reportedly going on vacation together. Any pictures taken on the trip are expected to double as Before-During-After pamphlets at your local Methodone Clinic.
  • Michael Douglas says men shouldn’t wear makeup. Well, except for actors. They’re special.
  • A videogame based on Bob Ross’ The Joy of Painting is in the works. It’s being marketed to those four of five people out there who don’t find Grand Theft Auto exciting enough.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Pop Goes the Porn Star

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We’ve always known that sex sells, but Adidas is taking that philosophy a step further with their genius decision to cast Jenna Jameson in the commercial for their new Adibrite line of sneakers.  Remember that game at Chuck E. Cheese where the little monsters pop up and you have to smash them down with a big hammer?  Wanna see a barely-covered Jenna do that?  Yeah, I thought so:

Let’s Talk About Sex, Babies

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Donna_martin
March was my favorite month of the year. Why? Because it was Talk To Your Kids About Sex month. Now, even though talking to kids about sex is the reason I’m no longer allowed to visit 8 of our nation’s 50 states, I happen to think it’s an incredibly important thing. ESPECIALLY when you relate it to television characters who’ve lost their virginity on the boob tube over the years. Lucky for me EW is all over it.

Here’s a photo gallery of some of our favorite TV characters along with the tales of how they lost it. And by ‘it’ I mean their virginity. Click below to find out what I learned about TV character sex last month, and what I’ll be passing on to the youth of America next year (if I’m allowed near them, that is.)

[thanks to our pal Worker #3116 for the link]

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