- The Origin of the Species of Lindsay Lohan.
- 50 Cent is set to give his acting chops a real workout, playing a prison inmate alongside Nicholas Cage.
- Don’t blame Naomi Campbell. Blame her incredibly dangerous cellphone.
- Starbucks is now brewing its way into the movie business. They’re starting off with a Tall movie about a spelling bee, but they work their way up to a Venti action blockbuster by the summer.
- A New York judge was censured after comparing an assault victim to Jon Lovitz’s pathological liar character from SNL. Using the words "Jon Lovitz" in any decent public place, much less a court of law, can have some serious repercussions.
- A secretary for the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security was arrested for trying to solicit sex from a 14 year-old girl on the Internet. I don’t think that’s what Bush meant by "hunt down and punish".
What does the Easter Bunny do the other 364 days a year? Watch this video to find out. And to prepare yourself.
In a recent interview with Parade magazine, soon-to-be dad Tom Cruise reveals some haunting insights about his own father:
"He was a bully and a coward â€“ the person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you. â€¦ It was a great lesson in my life, how he’d lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang!"
I hope, for the sake of the baby, that family history doesn’t repeat itself as is all-too-often the case. One minute you’re just playing paddycakes with mommy, then all of a sudden – BANG! – daddy is jumping up and down on the sofa, yelling something about how your crying is glib. It’s a vicious cycle.
I held out on writing about this week’s episode of 24 yesterday because I wanted to give those of you who decided to TIVO the episode and watch the NCAA Finals or some opening day baseball an extra day to get around to watching it. Well, I can’t wait any longer. We have to discuss. So, if you still haven’t seen it, here’s your warning: Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert- Spoiler Alert.
President Logan is behind the whole f**king thing?!?!?! Are you KIDDING me?????
Listen, I’m willing to believe that Jack survived a fiery explosion last week. I’m willing to believe that Henderson/Robocop came back from the dead to stab Tony in the heart with a syringe and escape a recently gassed CTU scott free. And I’m willing to believe that the superhot Kim Bauer would date an ugly guy with a really thick goatee. But I can’t believe that President P*ssy (as he’s lovingly referred to as in the TVGasm Comments section) could mastermind this whole attack. The guy can’t even control his wife! Something doesn’t add up. The only twist that would have been less believable is if Jack were behind the whole thing. Hmmm. On that thought…
[In Case You Missed It, you can head on over to TVGasm for a complete/hilarious recap of the episode.]
So far, Katie Holmes pregnancy has been increasingly surreal, packed with over-enthusiastic smiles, questionable stomach bumps, personal sonograms and promises of a an absolutely silent birth. But according to Tom’s directorial vision, this birth still isn’t David Lynch-y enough.
So with his obscure eye for social commentary, Cruise has decided to stuff the pre-natal Holmes not only with loads of spicy Indian food but also with an adult sized pacifier (and we don’t mean Vin Diesel). Just imagine the haunting image of Katie in a noise-reduction chamber, chewing on a curry-flavored pacifier, surrounded by Scientologist handmaidens. Now if he could just get some embryos to fall from the ceiling (a la Eraserhead) the birth of little Cruise Jr, could be canonized in college level film classes everywhere.
John Paulus, the Jack to Clay Aiken’s Ennis, has joined us here on the Internets, creating a blog that details his illicit manlove with the very heterosexual almost-Idol. Providing photographic evidence such as washcloths and laundry bags, Paulus paints a vivid portrait of what it’s like to make sweet, sweet love to Gay Achin’.
Sometimes Alex and I get tired of making fun of talented celebrities, reality TV stars and Paris Hilton. When that happens, we have to direct our rage to more traditional targets like the stupid, the ugly, or Molly from the Travel Issue of New York magazine.
I mean, look at her. She’s just asking for it.
So head over to Gawker and check out their latest Looking At The Look Book column. You’ll see that we treat the average British writer/artist/musician with the same tender love and understanding that we do Lindsay Lohan or Colin Farrell. Okay, maybe not Colin Farrell. But he’s an a**hole.
Robin Hopkins? That lady who had the best night ever? This is her.
- DISCOURAGING HEADLINE: "Nuke plant gets new locks after keys lost." (Reuters)
- ENCOURAGING MUSIC NEWS: Radiohead’s new album nears completion. (Rolling Stone)
- GOOD NEWS FOR BAD ACTORS: Kristin Cavallari lands a role in an upcoming movie. (MTV)
- BAD NEWS FOR REPO MEN: Fearsome rap mogul Suge Knight has filed bankruptcy. (Yahoo! News)
- DISABLED LIST I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE ON: British soccer star misses match after dropping scalding water on his genitals. (Mirror)
- REPUBLICAN DREAM COME TRUE: San Francisco is sliding into the ocean. (Coastsider)
- POOR VIAGRA ALTERNATIVE: A female teacher had sex with a 13 year-old student 28 times in one week! (The Smoking Gun)
In an upcoming interview with Elle Magazine, Paris Hilton explains what happened between her and her former best friend:
- "She cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don’t care about her"
- "I’ve been best friends with her since I was two, but when I brought her on to my show, she got very jealous and turned on me for no reason."
- "They want to do it [The Simple Life] with just me, but we’re both under contract together. She has nothing else so she really wants to do it, but I don’t."
- "It’s really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she’s obviously not enough."
- "She’s not the same person any more. I never want to speak to her again – ever.
That’s right, Paris, f*ck Tinkerbell Hilton! She was just using you– good riddance to her. Now that Nicole, on the other hand, she’s a keeper.