While You Were Learning to Have a Sense of Humor

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    MGM has greenlit a follow-up to Steve Martin’s mediocre Pink Panther film.  Because the only thing America loves more than sequels and remakes are sequels TO remakes!
  • Joan Rivers is apparently looking for love on Match.com.  Ugh, I don’t think there is enough time left in Dr. Phil’s life to counsel someone through the horror of a date with her. 
  • Lindsay Lohan to be the new face of Louis VuittonKate Moss to (once again) be the new face of ChanelBuried deep in my hands to be the new place for my face.
  • Scott Stapp manages to avoid charges in his recent arrest for public intoxication.  Funny how no one gives a sh*t when something good finally happens to the poor douche. 
  • As we reported yesterday, Sharon Stone is offering to "kiss just about anyone" in order to bring peace to the Middle East.  Looks like she’s already got one taker
  • Mischa Barton dumps the Cisco Kid for a new cowboy.

A Public Statement Re: Paris Hilton and Herpes

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To Whom It May Concern:

Over the course of the past few days, we have received numerous reports, most of which stem from a passage in this news story, indicating that Paris Hilton has herpes.  We would like to officially go on record as saying that these rumors are completely and absolutely false.

As our reputation seems to be soiled hourly by members of the press, it seems just cruel to further tarnish our name with sensational hearsay such as this.  We aren’t as bad as everyone thinks, and we wish you would all stop making up these lies about us.  So, to set the record straight once and for all: WE DO NOT HAVE PARIS HILTON.  That’s just disgusting.

Signed,
Herpes

Tom Cruise On The Lam!

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Cruise_3 Police in Bothell, Washington are "searching for an armed robbery suspect who was described by victims as looking like actor Tom Cruise." The suspect, who is reportedly "handsome and friendly" held up a video store at gunpoint and is still on the loose.

While police assume it’s just a Tom Cruise look alike, let’s examine the facts. Tom wasn’t at the Oscars, in fact the last time he was spotted in public was in Tahiti a few weeks ago. In the meantime, Cruise has had a crappy week with ex-wife Nicole’s engagement and girlfriend Katie Holmes’s new-found friendship with ex Chris Klein. And he’s not just losing control over the women in his life, he’s also losing his power in Hollywood (see Razzies, Poll). Could all this pressure be driving Tom to a life of crime? Or is this just another thing people do when they’re totally, madly in love?

Going Out In Stiles

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EdgarmemorialWe’re all still mourning the loss of our beloved Edgar Stiles on 24. The man. The myth. The legend.

Spoiler Alert, by the way (if you haven’t seen it yet).

The folks over at TVGasm haven’t recovered either. It turns out they go way back with Edgar… or "Nugget", as they called him.

I don’t think I’m a lone in having years of good memories with and
about Nugget. I’d like to invite each of you to share your special
memories old or new of time you had with Edgar. I think when these
stories come together, we will all have a better understanding of who
Edgar Stiles was, and his family will see how much joy he brought to
the world.

Please leave your memories below.

So go ahead. Click here to say your goodbyes. I’ll provide you the link, but you have to provide your own tissues.

Paul F. Tompkins: The Onion Interview

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Maybe you recognize him from Mr. Show, or perhaps Tenacious D. Or even the movie Anchorman. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ve noticed a man in a suit on a show called Best Week Ever. One way or another, I’m guessing you know Paul F. Tompkins.

Check out this great Onion A.V. Club interview, where Paul talks about everything from the Aspen Comedy Festival to alternative comedy to BWE. Unfortunately, the one question that I wanted answered that wasn’t asked: how many suits does he own? Maybe next interview.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Nobody Puts Their Finger In the Sauce

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I hope I’m not the only one watching Bravo’s new reality show Top Chef.  Combining elements of pretty much every other reality show in history (probably best described as Project Runway meets The Apprentice by way of The Real World), Top Chef is a must-watch.  Here’s a great clip from last night’s episode, where Irishman Ken gets a little too mouthy with the master chef – and his sauce:

While You Were Shopping for Oscar Knock-off Dresses

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  • Paris Hilton’s new album debuting in June includes a cover of Rod Stewart’s "Do You Think I’m Sexy?" In this updated version, however the question isn’t rhetorical.
  • Pete Doherty scrawls "I Love Kate 4 Eva" on a car window while leaving his trial for drug possession… (sigh) to be young and in love.
  • Dame Judi Dench wore a $15,000 bra by Victoria’s Secret to the Oscars. Just thought you should know.
  • Eva Longoria brings blinged out camera to boyfriend Tony Parker’s game to support him. Not to get attention.
  • Nick Lachey to star in the first CW sitcom after his sucessful guest starring role on WB’s Twins. Strangely, Ruben Studdard’s guest starring role on UPN’s One on One hasn’t helped his carrer at all.

LISTEN UP: Your Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • The "honky-tonk purist" Moe Bandy‘s cheatin’ songs are the focus at Big Rock Candy Mountain.
  • Spread the Good Word says "Don Willis died in Memphis March 1st. Stop. Maker of one of the all-time great rockabilly record ‘Boppin’ High School Baby.’" Hear for yourself. 
  • The Number One Songs in Heaven says about "Ain’t Got Time Fa’ Nothin‘" by the Futures: "a floaty groover with a sexy midtempo rhythm and some lovely harmonies."
  • Keep the Coffee Coming has a little gift from Cher: "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves." No need to lay your money down.
  • Soul Shower strikes a conciliatory moment us Robert Moore‘s "Everythings Gonna Be Allright."
  • Oh! Sweet Nothing’s got  Reverend Charlie Jackson‘s "Morning Train," which he found after "fooling around on Spiritualized‘s website."
  • This is from a while back, but The Sound of Indie has a demo of the Smiths‘ "Handsome Devil."

SIZZLER: Jessica Dumped In 118 Characters or Less

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It’s being reported that inexplicable stud Adam Levine recently dumped hot rebound girl Jessica Simpson via text message.  Ouch, that’s GOT to hurt.  According to tabloids, Levine’s message was only four words: "Really Busy. Need Space."

Ah yes, a text message break-up classic.  Just goes to show you that even a universally desired mega-star like Jessica Simpson isn’t immune to the flighty whims of a man with so little time and so many people to do. 

We’ve discovered a few other break-up text messages Adam considered sending:

  • Thx 4 the @ss…FU…LOL
  • 3way w/ Ash?
  • Srsly, U R gettin annoying.
  • I M Gay.
  • Maroon 5 Rulez.  Nick Lachey droolz.
  • 2 Many Daddy Issues.  C U L8r.
  • Paris, It’s Adam.  Hurts when I pee.

SIZZLER: Tara’s DWI

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DrunkentarareidIn this case, DWI stands for ‘Driving While Idiotic." From togawp.com:

A well-lubricated Tara Reid was seen outside of Dennis Rodman‘s Newport Beach house on Wednesday morning, paying off a local resident after slamming into their car.

According to our eyewitness, Ms. Reid’s "pupils were clearly dialated, fow what reason I don’t know." After exiting their respective vehicles, Tara told the owner of the other vehicle that she "didn’t want to deal with insurance," and promptly handed the gentleman $700 dollars to "forget it ever happened."

Alex mentioned this yesterday, but I just had to add three things. 1) Tara Reid and Dennis Rodman??? This woman has officially nailed the entire C-List. Congratulations. You get a crate of Redbull and Parliaments for your hard week. 2) I never want to see the words "well lubricated" and "Tara Reid" in the same sentence ever again. Please? And 3) Is it just me, or do you get the feeling that this isn’t Tara’s first "here’s a few hundred bucks, keep your mouth shut" transaction the morning after a long night of partying? Call it a hunch.