John Paulus, the Jack to Clay Aiken’s Ennis, has joined us here on the Internets, creating a blog that details his illicit manlove with the very heterosexual almost-Idol. Providing photographic evidence such as washcloths and laundry bags, Paulus paints a vivid portrait of what it’s like to make sweet, sweet love to Gay Achin’.
Sometimes Alex and I get tired of making fun of talented celebrities, reality TV stars and Paris Hilton. When that happens, we have to direct our rage to more traditional targets like the stupid, the ugly, or Molly from the Travel Issue of New York magazine.
I mean, look at her. She’s just asking for it.
So head over to Gawker and check out their latest Looking At The Look Book column. You’ll see that we treat the average British writer/artist/musician with the same tender love and understanding that we do Lindsay Lohan or Colin Farrell. Okay, maybe not Colin Farrell. But he’s an a**hole.
Robin Hopkins? That lady who had the best night ever? This is her.
- DISCOURAGING HEADLINE: "Nuke plant gets new locks after keys lost." (Reuters)
- ENCOURAGING MUSIC NEWS: Radiohead’s new album nears completion. (Rolling Stone)
- GOOD NEWS FOR BAD ACTORS: Kristin Cavallari lands a role in an upcoming movie. (MTV)
- BAD NEWS FOR REPO MEN: Fearsome rap mogul Suge Knight has filed bankruptcy. (Yahoo! News)
- DISABLED LIST I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE ON: British soccer star misses match after dropping scalding water on his genitals. (Mirror)
- REPUBLICAN DREAM COME TRUE: San Francisco is sliding into the ocean. (Coastsider)
- POOR VIAGRA ALTERNATIVE: A female teacher had sex with a 13 year-old student 28 times in one week! (The Smoking Gun)
In an upcoming interview with Elle Magazine, Paris Hilton explains what happened between her and her former best friend:
- "She cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don’t care about her"
- "I’ve been best friends with her since I was two, but when I brought her on to my show, she got very jealous and turned on me for no reason."
- "They want to do it [The Simple Life] with just me, but we’re both under contract together. She has nothing else so she really wants to do it, but I don’t."
- "It’s really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she’s obviously not enough."
- "She’s not the same person any more. I never want to speak to her again – ever.
That’s right, Paris, f*ck Tinkerbell Hilton! She was just using you– good riddance to her. Now that Nicole, on the other hand, she’s a keeper.
Hugh Hefner has apologized to Jessica Alba for making people think she was in Playboy. Next up, apologizing to men everywhere for making them think that Jessica Alba was in Playboy.
- Matthew McConaughey has converted vegetarian Penelope Cruz into a carnivore. Her extinction is no longer imminent.
- Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss, and Courtney Love are reportedly going on vacation together. Any pictures taken on the trip are expected to double as Before-During-After pamphlets at your local Methodone Clinic.
- Michael Douglas says men shouldn’t wear makeup. Well, except for actors. They’re special.
- A videogame based on Bob Ross’ The Joy of Painting is in the works. It’s being marketed to those four of five people out there who don’t find Grand Theft Auto exciting enough.
We’ve always known that sex sells, but Adidas is taking that philosophy a step further with their genius decision to cast Jenna Jameson in the commercial for their new Adibrite line of sneakers. Remember that game at Chuck E. Cheese where the little monsters pop up and you have to smash them down with a big hammer? Wanna see a barely-covered Jenna do that? Yeah, I thought so:
March was my favorite month of the year. Why? Because it was Talk To Your Kids About Sex month. Now, even though talking to kids about sex is the reason I’m no longer allowed to visit 8 of our nation’s 50 states, I happen to think it’s an incredibly important thing. ESPECIALLY when you relate it to television characters who’ve lost their virginity on the boob tube over the years. Lucky for me EW is all over it.
Here’s a photo gallery of some of our favorite TV characters along with the tales of how they lost it. And by ‘it’ I mean their virginity. Click below to find out what I learned about TV character sex last month, and what I’ll be passing on to the youth of America next year (if I’m allowed near them, that is.)
[thanks to our pal Worker #3116 for the link]
If that fails to satisfy your Paul fix for the day, check out his blog. Paul went to Spencers Gifts recently and left with a Die Hard Action Figure and a new outlook on life. Okay, maybe his outlook on life is the same, but buying a Bruce Willis doll has been known to change a man forever. Read about it here.
Jennifer Aniston isn’t the only celebrity doing commercials overseas. Watch this baffling Japanese ad starring Natalie Portman, not with the bald-head we know and love, but with long lustrous black hair that may not belong to her. Note the scientific explanation of how the hair product works. Does it at all remind you of The Abyss? (thanks IDLYITW)