Snaked Trailers

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As you surely know by now, most of the steamy scenes from Basic Instinct 2 that circulated around the Internet (don’t pretend like you didn’t watch them) didn’t actually make it into the movie. In fact, there is very little sex and gratuitous nudity in the final version. This is quite disappointing and a little disturbing. But now I have even worse news. A spy who has seen the final version of Snakes on a Plane got in touch with me to reveal something even more shocking than the lack of sex in Basic Instinct 2: There are no snakes in Snakes on a Plane

…OF THE DAY

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  • TYPECASTING: Helen Wagner. She has played Nancy Hughes on the As the World Turns for 50 years.
  • ANNOYING PROMOS: USA Network. On my Criminal Intent reruns, they make Wynona Judd and Monk pop up on the screen way, way too often.
  • MEAT: Nascar. They have just released their own line of meat products, including bacon and hot dogs.
  • OLYMPIC THREAT: American White Moth. It is threatening to turn Beijing’s "green Olympics" brown. They are using sexually attracting agents, insecticide lamps, and bees to combat them.
  • ANN MAGNUSON MOVIE REVIEW: Adam & Steve. She calls it the gay Annie Hall.
  • SPAM SUBJECT LINE THAT TRICKED ME: "Tomorrow." I hate it when they actually fool me, but I had to know what was going to happen tomorrow!

Before Braff was on i-Tunes

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NBC has just announced that all current episodes of this season of Scrubs are now available on iTunes. He may be playing a goofy but irresistible doctor on i-Pods across America now, but we remember when Zach Braff first appeared on our clunky wood-paneled TV set as an awkward, humorless teen in the Babysitter’s Club. Check out these old-school screen grabs of Braff on TBC courtesy of Barbie Martini. Never forget where you came from, Braff. (And never get that haircut again.)

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While You Were Loving Spring

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  • Sheridan
    Morrissey
    says he hates Tony Blair’s wife, Cherie’s, face. He’s more of an ass man.
  • Jessica Simpson looks up to Angelina Jolie. And in an effort to be more like her, she plans on stealing Brad Pitt away from his girlfriend.
  • Dick Cheney tackles Fox News, bunker busters, and Karl Rove in his stand-up comedy debut. And somehow it’s still funnier than Free Ride.
  • Nicollete Sheridan has selected her wedding gown for her upcoming nuptuals with Michael Bolton. Much like Bolton himself, the dress can only be appreciated ironically.
  • Brokeback Mountain has been banned in the Bahamas. Because they’re intolerant of cowboys. What, why else do you think they’d ban it?
  • Lindsay Lohan’s maybe-boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio was caught with a Gisele lookalike "snogging like mad." Upon hearing the news Lindsay said it was fine, but admitted that if she ever found out he was kissing somebody else she’d be pissed.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Flava of Love Reunion

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Reunions are always a good time to make amends, patch up old feuds and show your past acquaintances how well you’ve matured. Unless of course you’re at the Flava of Love reunion–then you gonna get bitch-slapped.

The Most Sexually Frustrated Island in the World

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A humble suggestion for the writers of LOST:

Last night when I was watching the show, something occurred to me: nobody on the island seems even remotely concerned about sex.  Sure, there was the Sayeed/Shannon thing and all sorts of painfully unfulfilled sexual tension between Kate and Jack and Sawyer, but I find it strange that sex is never even so much as implied or alluded to on the show.  These people have been stuck on that island for months now with nothing to do, and I’m sure that some of them have to be pretty hard up some for some lovin’.  I haven’t seen such a sexless collection of "mystery solvers" since Scooby-Doo.  Hell, even the "others" have to kidnap children, which leads me to believe they’re either without women or saving themselves for marriage.

Since they insist on stretching their plot points out for million years, what the show really needs is a total horndog character to provide a comedic/romantic subplot about their unending quest to bone everybody on the island, leaving all that "mystery solving" to Locke and company.  Hurley’s eating problems are boring – why not make him a raging sex fiend?  Or maybe Samantha from Sex and the City can crash a hang-glider and get stranded or something.  Quit it with all this "secret maps and mystery" gobbleygook and get to the real action!

At least Sun is getting laid.

SIZZLER: RCA In Denial About Clay Aiken

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Piper posted something about RCA and Clay Aiken. But RCA has attempted to put out the fire by putting this message on their website:

Attention Clay Aiken Fans, a non-confirmed release date for Clay Aiken’s upcoming LP was accidentally posted this past weekend due to an internal mis-communication. Clay is currently in a studio working hard on his pending album. Title and release date are TBD. Sorry for the confusion!

I’m not buying it for a minute. I mean, what does "TBD" mean? And oh, he’s "working hard" huh? Wink, wink. And what about that code word "confusion"? What else are people confused about? Don’t be fooled. Clay Aiken loves rollercoasters, and it scares RCA.