CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: The Hanks Hair Does It Again


hankshair.jpg1. Despite widespread religious protest and unanimously negative reviews from virtually every media source on the planet, the entire planet goes to see this anyway, determined to understand the secrets behind Tom Hanks’ decision to sport such an awful haircut – $77 million

2. Talking Animals. Celebrity Voices. Hilarious Hijinx$37 million

3. Cruise just can’t control stuff like the Hanks Mullet and cute animated animals who sound like Bruce Willis$11 million

4. It’s surprisingly hard to resist the temptation to make another “sinking” or “tanking” joke here, so hows about I skip all that, pretend it’s about tornadoes instead, and just say this movie blows – $9.2 million

5. I guess sometimes your dominatrix just can’t get the job done and you find yourself needing a little more brutal punishment to feel like the pathetic, naughty little boy you know you are. Thank god for Robin Williams$5.1 million

SIZZLER: Doherty Dropped from Label, Beaten


dohertyPete Doherty has had another productive weekend re-enacting every rock n’ roll bio-pic ever made. After last week’s transgender performance, reported crack binge and syringe squirt his record label, dropped him. He then returned to his rat infested London flat, only to be beaten by ex-girlfriend Kate Moss. Former lover Kate stopped by Pete’s London flat and “began kicking and punching him in the street.” Doherty says, “She was angry about the blood spraying thing. She beat the crap out of me.” While critics may accuse this latest stunt as a rip-off of Sid and Nancy, we think he’ll surprise us with an Eddie and the Cruisers-style ending.

It’s May 22; What’s up?


tv set4.jpgLike many of you, I’ve devoted 22 hours of my life to 24 this season. Tonight, it’s time for the final 2. Sure, there are other shows that are worth watching this Monday, like Alias, Medium, the Real World / Road Rules: Fresh Meat kickoff special and Shalom In The Home– but none of that matters. All that matters tonight is Jack Bauer, a bunch of terrorists, a nuclear submarine and a dirty President of the United States. What’s going to happen? I have no clue. The only thing I do know is Jack Bauer is going to end up on top– because that’s what he does. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

Angelina Update: Longest Labor Ever


On Friday night, after posting reports that Angelina would be popping out a miracle baby any minute, we were sure we’d come back to work Monday with a brand new baby to blog about. But according to reports Angelina Jolie is still “about to give birth.” If tabloid reports are to be believed (and they should be unconditionally) she’s been in labor for over 72 hours. Making this her strongest argument for adoption yet.

Meanwhile, during Jolie’s relaxing weekend in a birthing tub having labor pains, a photojournalist who’s been shadowing her was detained by Namibian police and she and Brad reportedly fought over how to care for their sick baby Zahara. All in all, it was the best weekend ever for Jennifer Aniston.

While You Were Re-Proposing



Best Night Ever: Sunday, May 21st


It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, May 21st! Robin Hopkins is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including The Simpsons, Family Guy, and Desperate Housewives!

Supergroup Is Straight Up Super


Sorry VH1- but I’ve had it with Celebreality. Hogan Knows Best, Celebrity Fit Club, A Surreal Life with a transgendered Arquette brother/sister. I’ve had enough.

At least I thought I did. Until I saw these clips from Supergroup. Whoever decided to put Sebastian Bach, Evan Seinfeld, Ted Nugent and Scott Ian in a band together is a f’n genius. Check out this clip of Sebastian and Evan getting into one of those classic guy-wrestling-matches-that-suddenly-gets-serious. And click below to see another preview.

Watch another clip here! It’s gonna be great.

Shuffling Towards the Weekend: the Battle Continues!


So last week you people overwhelmingly decided that Bob’s playlist was superior to mine, possibly due to the embarassing appearance of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless America” on my list. ANYWAY, since Bob is the reigning champ, this week we pitted him against the musical powers of our own Paul Scheer, and filmed it to make sure nobody could cheat! Check out their shuffles, vote on a winner, and post your own results in the comments! Click here for a text version of the lists (first comment).

EXCLUSIVE Preview of Jack Osbourne’s Memoir


jackosborne.jpgJack Osbourne announced yesterday that he has closed a deal with a publisher to release his memoir. Through our shadowy network of media operatives, was able to procure the ENTIRE text of the autobiography, which will be the shortest in history, considering he was only 20 years old when he wrote it. Here it is, unabridged, for you all to enjoy:

My dad’s weird so my family was on TV and I got wasted a lot until I had to stop partying so much then I went to rehab and lost weight. THE END

Riveting stuff – we might have a regular Hemingway on our hands here.

SIZZLER: Tommy Hilfiger ‘Gets In the Ring’ With Axl?


axl1.jpgThere’s been so much celeb fighting this week, I thought I had finally reached a point where nothing would really surprise me. Then I read this story about clothing designer Tommy Hilfiger punching Axl Rose in the face before being escorted out of Rosario Dawson’s birthday party. After convincing myself that I wasn’t on mushrooms and had in fact just read that, I was left feeling kind of sorry for Axl. I mean, how can you get any less Rock & Roll than fighting with an aging fashion designer at some starlet’s private birthday party? With the exception of getting b*tch-slapped by Estelle Getty at a Build-a-Bear store in a suburban shopping mall, I don’t think it’s even possible.