- Someone has made a Kurt Cobain toy. Shotgun and corpse-rolling-in-grave accessories not included.
- Attention-craving Paris Hilton simply cannot decide between Starving Nachos and Lapso Apso.
- Nick Lachey has signed on to do a comedy pilot for the newly formed CW Network. It’s going to be called The New Adventures of the Old Boy Band Singer Who’s Not Boning Jessica Simpson Anymore.
- Ben Stein is pissed that no one mentioned the troops during this year’s Oscars ceremony. He expressed his outrage by droning on monotonously for an hour, occasionally muttering about how he’d do more about it if people hadn’t won all his money.
- Richard Dreyfuss got married again. Now if that’s not a SIZZLER, I don’t know what is…
Trey Parker and Matt Stone have sent out a press release regarding Tom Cruise’s powerplay to make Comedy Central pull its Scientology-themed episode of South Park off the air last Wednesday. And as expected, it’s hilarious.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!
– Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu
Yes, that’s their official statement. Man, I love these guys.
Here are the top 5 film people chose to sleep off their hangovers in this past weekend:
1. Hugo Weaving is the most bankable movie star in the world. – $26.1 million
2. F For Failure to give a sh*t about seeing this movie, or any of the 200 more exactly like it coming soon to a theater near you. – $15.8 million
3. Tim Allen still hasn’t improved anything since television after the cancellation of Home Improvement. – $13.6 million
4. Just one the…guys, seriously stop making unoriginal crap like this. I mean, has the well of creativity really run so dry that you’re going to remake a Billy Zabka movie? This is the cinematic equivalent of not finishing a frozen dinner, sticking in the fridge, then reheating it a week later. – $11 million
5. …And the theaters have empty seats. – $8 million
We know Donald and Melania’s new baby, Baron William Trump, is going to be huge. Donald already has three of the greatest children ever, but this new one is going to be the best! That’s why we’re hosting a Trump Baby Photoshop Contest. Send us pictures of what you think the newest addition to the Trump
corporation family looks like. Does he have his father’s comb-over? or his mother’s cat eyes? Does he sport a briefcase? or a diamond-studded diaper? Show us what the "greatest baby in the world" looks like and we’ll post our favorites on the site. Email your submissions to: BWEphotoshopContest@gmail.com.
I usually don’t watch the quirky videos CNN often puts up on its site. Today, though, I was intrigued by this headline: Watch: Snake, man kiss 51 times, serpent woozy. So I watched it. And lo and behold, it was indeed a man kissing a snake 51 times. It’s truly one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen, and it made me realize that as much as reality TV sucks, the United States is still way ahead of the rest of the world in terms of what we do for entertainment.
Watch a man kiss a snake here (in the Offbeat section.) Oh, and I promise you that it’s really a man kissing a snake… and not just a clever synonym for gay porn. Enjoy.
I’ve been frustrated for a long time by the fact that there are too many good shows to keep up with, but last night after The Sopranos, I reached my breaking point. Already exhausted from having been through the tense campaigning in The West Wing, I was totally drained after watching Tony fighting for his life and his family just fighting. So drained, in fact, that I couldn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy. I had planned all along to Tivo Desperate Housewives and Big Love, but missing out on Grey’s was just too much. How am I expected to be able to talk to my coworkers about Sunday television on Monday morning when I can’t even watch half the good shows?
- Sales of the Notorious B.I.G.’s 1994 album "Ready To Die" have been halted after a jury decided it uses illegal samples. It only took 12 years to come to a conclusion, so the judicial system is calling it a success.
- It’s a boy! for Donald and Melania. The baby is healthy, and is rumored to already be working on his combover.
- Eva Longoria announced that she had to teach boyfriend Tony Parker how to please her in the bedroom because he’s so sexually inexperienced. And there you have it– the downside to sleeping with Eva Longoria.
- Daniel Craig is all set to show full fronal nudity in the new James Bond movie. We’ve come a long way from Pussy Galore, haven’t we?
- The small Italian town of Cernobbio is upset that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt didn’t get married there this weekend. The cultural significance of Cernobbio is now expected to revert back to zero.
- Tori Spelling’s parents refuse to talk to her. Things just haven’t been the same since Donna Martin graduated.
Toni J and Bob double-teamed the biggest night of TV!
Tom and Katie, in another brazen attempt to assert Cruise’s raging heterosexuality, inflict even more emotional trauma upon the increasingly abused psyche of young Connor. For shame.
According to the News of the World, Tom Sizemore has a book coming out that claims that he lost his virginity to a hooker at 14, has slept with more than 2,000 women (including 40 in one night), and of those women, Paris Hilton was the second-best lover next to Liz Hurley because "I was in love with her."
Aww, that is so sweet, y’all!