OSCAR: Caption This!

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Phoenix_joaquin_1What on Earth was Joaquin Phoenix mouthing when the camera cut to him during the Best Actor segment?

“Remember people… Johnny Cash is dead. So was Ray Charles when Jamie won… I’m just saying… let’s be fair.”

… THE BIG AWARD OF THE NIGHT…

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WE’RE ALMOST THERE… TIME TO AWARD THE “WORD OF THE NIGHT” AWARD… IN JUST A FEW MINUTES…

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YOU STILL HAVE TIME… GO AHEAD, PUT YOUR WORD OF THE NIGHT INTO THE COMMENTS!

And the award for best actress goes to…

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Reese_n

She was in…

“Fear” starring Marky Mark.
“Little Nicky” starring Adam Sandler, Jon Lovitz, and Kevin Nealon.
And “Overnight Delivery”, which nobody saw but me and Paul Rudd.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the award for best actress goes to… Reese Witherspoon!

And the award for best actor goes to…

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Capote_1
He was in…
“The Getaway” starring Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger
“Twister” starring Helen Hunt and a bunch of tornados
And “Patch Adams.” You know damn well who starred in that one.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the award for best actor goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman!

In Memoriam

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MiyagiMr. Miyagi kicked off a sub-par In Memoriam this year. There were no guaranteed deceased celebrities to bring the house down– no sure things. Sure, Anne Bancroft got a few cat calls, but nobody really stood out. I was pulling for the underdog, The Guy Who Yelled ‘Get Off My Train’ in “Ghost,” but it just wasn’t his year.

And did anybody else kind of expect them to include paretheses for Chris Penn that read “(you know, Sean’s brother)” to get him more applause?

And finally, the question on everybody’s mind: Where was Don Knotts? Too soon? Apparently.

“I SEE DEAD PEOPLE”

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Did you notice… Academy members thank dead people and Grammy winners thank Jesus?

Except for Three 6 Mafia… they thanked Jesus. You know why? ‘Cus Jesus knew how hard it is to be a pimp…. or a whore… you know, because of the whole Mary Magdalene thing… he knew how hard it is to be ANYTHING… you know what I’m sayin”’

I’ve dug myself a little hole here, haven’t I?

HERE COME THE PIMPS…

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU’VE JUST WITNESSED THE MOST SURREAL MOMENT IN POP CULTURE HISTORY…

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You gotta hand it to Gil Cates… he put Three 6 Mafia on the stage, AND set it on fire…

AND THEN… THEY GET THE AWARD>>>>

It IS a new Generation of Oscars!!!

Oscar Pairings: Missing The Boat

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Coming up after the break: Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock!

Finally, that “Speed” reunion we’ve all been waiting for! Oh wait… what’s that? Nobody’s been waiting for it? Oh, okay.

Sorry Academy, but I think you missed the boat on this one. Actually, you missed the bus. Missing the boat would be a “Speed 2: Cruise Control” reunion. Maybe next year..

HALF WAY THERE!!!

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OH… memories…

That wonderful opoening montage, which made me believe that maybe I wouldn’t fall into a dull torpor around 9:30…

The great gay cowboy montage… which made me believe even more that there were hopes for this Oscar broadcast…

Those great Actress campaign ads… but frankly, by then, I’d shot my excitement wad on the amazingly shocking Geisha sweep of Costume and Art Direction! Did no one appreciate the glorious subtelty of .. uh… any of the other movies?

George Clooney’s acceptance speech… in which he riffed onhis own obituary… and I thought “OH YEAH, it’s a new generation of OScars!”””

What an idiot… Oscars, you fooled me again!

ALL of those Musical Numbers… flames burning on the song from Crash with dancers who looked like “night of the living dead”… all of those MONTAGES… what the hell was Yitzhak Perlman doing again???

Ultimately, these Oscars are about as moving as Nicole Kidman’s forehead.

And here comes the typical “remember when movies were really great?” montage, hosted by Jake Geeyllenhalrlrll…

Hey… did you see the Natalie Portman rap on SNL last night?