…OF THE DAY

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Ducttape

  • MADE-UP NAME THAT’S NOT FOOLING ANYBODY: Jane, instead of Jennifer (Aniston). (New York Daily News
  • AVOIDANCE OF THE WORD NERDY "Unconventional." As in, "Comic-Con draws on the unconventional." (USA Today
  • IRONY: Brokeback parodies. So there are 800,000,000 out there, all of them make straight characters look gay. But what’s ironic is that the original trailer for Brokeback Mountain made the gay characters look straight.  (Yahoo!)
  • CONTRADICTION: We said we wouldn’t do it, but here’s another Brokeback parody: Brokejack Palance. It’s just that good.
  • MOST BELIEVABLE HEADLINE: "Clooney Denies Barr’s Genital Claims" (Contact Music)   
  • GEORGE WHO ACTUALLY TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS MISTAKES: George Michael, who said of his arrest that it was "my own stupid fault, as usual." (People
  • MOE SZYSLAK MOMENT: Moe takes a lie detector test. (Gorillamask)
  • CHRISTIAN WEIRD-HOBBY HALL OF FAME: Christianitytoday.com‘s, starring Duct Tape Artist Melody Williams, Skunk Enthusiast Brittany Miller, and plastic-spoon collector Betsy Coblentz.
  • BAD LYRIC: "I understand you been running from a man/Who goes by the name of the Sandman." America, "Sandman." (Granneman.com)

It Haircut: The Flop Top

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Greys_anatomy_dempsey_d

Male haircuts have been through it all. Remember the butt cut of high school days — made popular by the Furlongs and Leo Dicaprios of our youth? or the razor-friendly Kid n’ Play fade? How about the George Clooney circa ER Cesar cut? We took it and ran with it. Well thanks to Patrick Dempsey, 2006 welcomes the next male haircut : the flop top. The loose, messy, but still greased-up look signals both sensitivity and smoothness. A good flop top is wavy all over, long enough to be lustrous, but short enough to be non-confrontational  It pairs nicely with facial stubble and engenders a kind of femininity not commonly found in past hair fads. If the metro-sexual haircuts of the early 2000′s signaled a breed of men who relied heavily on hair products, this new look only reinforces that sensibility. Requiring at least two quarter-sized scoops of pomade, this flowy man-look proves it’s okay to be more beautiful then the women you date as long as you’ve got a smug smile to go along with it. Here we christen the flop top with a handful of serum and a photo gallery after the jump….

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While You Were Preparing Yourself For Fat Tuesday

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  • 16_petra_nemcova
    Bruce Willis
    is courting model-slash-tsunami-survivor Petra Nemcova. It’s believed he won her over with his "You think you had it rough, you should’ve seen the reviews for Hudson Hawk" line.
  • A street in Bakersfield, California has been renamed to honor Korn. The road is said to be fairly contrived, but still a favorite amongst aggressive 15-year-old pubescent males.
  • Vice President Dick Cheney expected to retire within the year. Wants to devote more time to shooting people in the face.
  • George Clooney swears Roseanne Barr never saw his genitals. That can only mean one thing: they must have done it with the lights out.
  • The new Star Trek movie that Trekkies have been waiting for has been cancelled. Sad emoticon usage on the internet skyrockets to record new heights.
  • The surviving members of Alice In Chains are reuniting for a series of gigs this summer. One guy in Oregon wearing flannel is stoked.
  • Dancing With The Stars fan-favorite Master P will stand trial on felony gun possession charges, proving that the "P" does stand for "Possession" after all.

The Passion of the Crust

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Dominos_pizza_noid_1985

The founder of Dominos Pizza has embarked on a multi-million dollar mission to build Ave Marie– a Catholics-Only town in Florida. Jesus and The Noid are said to be excited to finally have the opportunity to work with one another.

The town will adhere to strict Catholic principles: The pharmacies won’ t be allowed to sell condoms or birth control pills, the cable system won’t carry any X-Rated television channels, and nobody will be able to get any Pizza Hut pizzas delivered to their home. Because like it says in The Book of Revelations: Jesus hates Cheesy Bites.

The man with the plan, Tom Monaghan, says, "I think it’s God’s plan to do this." It’s hard to argue with him. God also came up with the whole "30 minutes or less, or your money back" plan, and we all know how well that worked out. So give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

If you want to learn more, click here. Or if you REALLY want to learn more, just enroll in Ave Marie University. Be careful though… with all that pizza floating around I hear it’s a bitch trying to keep off that Freshman 15.

While You Were Carelessly Whispering

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Lilio

  • Good news for Reese Witherspoon who scored $29 million for her next film. Better news for husband Ryan Phillipe who wants to borrow 50 bucks for the night.
  • Keira Knightly compares the Oscars to a dog show, especially now that  ‘bitch’ is welcome.
  • Brad and Angelina request that in lieu of presents for their wedding, you donate silver Tiffany’s items… to them.
  • Elijah Wood and Sean Astin have lots of beads at Mardi Gras. It’s one place Sean’s tata’s come in handy.
  • Flava of Love’s catfight is getting lots of attention. Flava Flav–not as much.
  • Vince Vaughn to star in Santa Claus movie…and begin his descent into Tim Allen’s career.
  • Lindsay Lohan’s got a bloody nose. Probably just a cold.

Please, Make More Brokeback Mountain Parodies

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Dear Citizens of the Internet,Brokeback_tothefuture

Over the course of the past few weeks, in the wake of the buzz surrounding the film Brokeback Mountain, there have been a flood of parody trailers featuring male characters from other recognizable films, cut together with the music and tone of Brokeback’s official trailer, thereby implying a previously non-existant homosexual relationship.  They’re hilarious, no matter how many times I see them.  In fact, you can find no less than TWENTY-THREE individual parodies at this site, all of which are ostensibly the same amazing joke, over and over again.

I come to you today with but a humble request: make more of these parody trailers, please!  Every time I hear those classic guitar notes, I am overcome with a feeling of warmth and comfort, for I know that I am about to be treated to two minutes of sheer hilarity.  The guys from Rush Hour, as gays?  You bet!  Matt and Ben from Good Will Hunting, but in a love story?  Yes, please! 

In order to help you out, here are some of my ideas for Brokeback Mountain Parody Trailers I would like to see:

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Oscar Week: The Nominees Before They Were the Nominees

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702_george_clooney_5Since it’s Oscar week, I thought you might like to learn a few things about the nominees for each category that they might not be so proud of. Today the category is Best Supporting Actor:

George Clooney

Matt Dillon

  • Turned down the role of Richard in The Blue Lagoon.
  • Failed to catch or even see a tarpon when he went tarpon fishing in Costa Rica.
  • Patrick Swayze was unimpressed with him while they filmed The Outsiders.

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