While You Were Asking Your Clerk Who That Blond Woman Is in the Front Row

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  • Anna Nicole Smith will appear at the Supreme Court on Tuesday. Sure, you laugh, but she’s more qualified than Harriet Miers.
  • Jamie Foxx was picked as best male musical artist at the 37th Annual NAACP Image Awards. I’ll support anything that will get another special like Unpredictable.
  • The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown was accused of taking material from a 1982 book about the Holy Grail. Oprah ready to pounce.
  • Jessica Simpson was honored at a special dinner with the governor of New Mexico. The governor said she was nice, but a little wonkish.
  • Cryin’ fellow: SNL alum Tracy Morgan was given three years’ probation after pleading no contest to drunken driving.
  • Want to know how Jennifer Aniston got bikini waxes before she became a star? Her bitter old roommate will be happy to tell you.

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Follow the Bouncing Breasts

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The company Shock Absorber sells sports bras, and their website  demonstrates convincingly (and quite vividly) the need for their product. If you are a size DD, I really feel for you. The whole thing is educational for men and women, but NSFW.

(Thanks to AdRants.)

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: American Idol in 116 Seconds

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Simon_cowellGuess what: you no longer have to watch an entire boring season of American Idol to listen to Simon Cowell insult people and tell them they’ll never have a career in music. Now you can find it all in one place!

Here’s a video compilation of some of Simon greatest insults. Towards the contestants, that is. If you want a video of Simon attacking Paula, Randy, and Ryan Seacrest you’re just going to have to make it yourself.

p.s. Has anybody else noticed how Simon has the Jay Leno chin going on? I had no clue.

While You Were Mainlining Espresso

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  • Singer George Michael was arrested for possession of controlled substances.  Police also found a large stash of porn, sex toys and sex masks in the trunk of the vehicle.  Michael was reportedly furious that the officers wouldn’t allow him to take these "jail supplies" into his cell.
  • Kate Moss is now more wealthy than she was before her recent cocaine scandal.  See kids, if you work hard, follow your dreams, and hoover up as much blow as possible, you too can enjoy fame and fortune.
  • Homophobic Clay Aiken fans reportedly want their money back now that they’ve discovered the singer might be gay.  Aiken reps responded with the statement, "What part of flamboyant, girlish, Broadway-obsessed pop singer do you people not understand?"
  • Drew Lachey managed to win "Dancing With the Stars" despite not being a star.
  • Ryan Seacrest managed to make out with a stripper, despite seeming like he actually might be probably sort of gay.
  • Mischa Barton: "I’m not sexy."  Alex Blagg: "Yes, yes you are."

SIZZLER: George Michael Not Woken Up Before He Could Go Go

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George Michael was arrested on suspicion of possessing drugs’ yesterday after he was found passed out in his car. Police found weed, ‘liquid ecstasy’ and a cache of pornographic masks and toys in his car. The police reportedly discovered Michael in his car "with his head slumped against the wheel"–an improvement from his last arrest in 1998 when he was found slumped against something else. 

“Grey’s Anatomy”: The Karma Episode

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Grays_anatomy_3 First off, Meredith is just such a bad person sometimes, but if Dr. Shepherd corners her in an elevator one more time, she should punch him. Of course, if she buys that “let’s be friends” business, she deserves whatever she gets. Second, what does it say about Addison that it took poison oak in the vajajay for me to finally like her? And what does it say about me? I wonder if George is going to really hook up with Dr. Torres. In my opinion, she’s too much woman for him, but I’d like for him to have someone who respects him for a change. But I have to say, George, that if you’re in bed with a woman and she cries, getting mad is not the appropriate response. Finally, I can’t believe that woman would leave Milos to die! Now if anyone deserves a little poison oak in the vajayay it’s her. Can’t wait till next week!

…OF THE DAY

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HEADLINE: "Jessica Alba officially sexy" – Who knew? (Female First) Alba_1

DISTURBING CATCHPHRASE: "Fixin’ to do an R. Kelly" (All Headline News)

DISTURBING R. KELLY ACOLYTE: This complete weirdo who "hides in bathrooms, and drinks people’s urine." (NBC4 – if you’re brave enough)

EMERGED CAVE DWELLER: Illinois Governor – and apparently his staff – who didn’t realize The Daily Show was a comedy spoof.  (AP)

ROCK STARS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS: "Crack makes me happy," said addled rocker Pete Doherty.  Yes, Pete – it makes you happy because IT’S CRACK! (Mirror)

EMBRACING YOUR OWN STEREOTYPE: Some pothead forgot to address a package he mailed containing half a pound of weed.  Might wanna lay of the doobage there, bro.  (AP)

RANDOM BLOG: The Sound of Young America (TSOYA)

SHIRTLESS MYSPACE BRO: "Live like you mean it…"  Or like a douche.  Either way, Eddie.  (MySpace)

Tranny or Demi?

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One of these people is "the man formerly known as Wladimiro Guadagno, the organizer of Italy’s gay pride parades and star of an upcoming film [who] wants to be taken serious…as a real-life politician for Italy’s main communist party." One is a movie star who has been married to Bruce Willis. Can you tell which is which?

BWE’s Winter Olympics Correspondent: David Wain

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Can’t get enough of the Olympics? Well, that makes 1 of you. Either way, you have to check out this hilarious David Wain video. You’ll learn more about death cookies and peely snow than you ever thought you would. You’ll see.