Five Celebrity Sex Tapes That I’d Like to See

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The recent Celebrity Sex Tape with Scott Stapp and Kid Rock reveals the fundamental flaw of the genre: The celebrities themselves are usually quite icky. That got me thinking about which stars could make a sex tape that people could watch without having to overcome their gag reflex. Here’s my top five:


  • Brad and Angelina
    : I don’t think I have to explain this one.
  • Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker: Of course, they’d have to be in the same city to make the tape, but I’ll be it would be smoking. But would she still wear her bra?
  • Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe: Something tells me they wouldn’t use the missionary position.
  • Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward: Sure they might be getting a little long in the tooth, but I’ll bet they could show us a thing or two.
  • Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman: Okay, maybe they aren’t going to make People’s 50 Most Beautiful People issue, but I say it’s always beautiful to watch people who truly love each other making love.

Skating with the Federlines

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Remember back in the day , when Britney and Kevin’s relationship was just starting to blossom and suddenly his pregnant girlfriend Shar Jackson let the press know she was 6 months pregnant with his kid? Remember how you thought: what a great celebrity scandal, but I’d love to see ice skating involved. You wish has been granted…

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Stars Have Secrets Too, You Know

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Celebrities are just like you or me, only they’re harboring deep, dark secrets from their past that’s eating away at their souls. While they’d rather forget that their mom was in porn or that they used to be "a juggling-unicycle riding clown," we won’t let them. Here’s a comprehensive list of the 50 Best Celebrity Secrets Ever. Unfortunately, there’s no mention of a botched diamond heist or a prostitution ring, but I did learn that Reese Witherspoon flushed her sinuses for cash.

Confessions of an iPod Shuffle

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Have you ever seen those bulletins on MySpace where people are encouraged to shuffle their iPods and post the first 5-10 songs that come up for all to see? 

Well, the Onion AV Club had a brilliant idea and decided to play this game with a few (minor) celebrities including Death Cab For Cutie’s Ben Gibbard, comedians David Cross and Eugene Mirman, Modest Mouse’s Issac Brock and more.  Check the songs that these folks are listening to — and why.

When you’re done, shuffle your own iPods and post the first 5 songs that come up in our comments section.  Be honest!  No one here will judge you for your love of Billy Joel (seriously, he’s good). 

While You Were Sneaking Into Work Late

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  • Carmen_electra_2
    Carmen Electra
    and Ashlee Simpson are designing rooms for a new Hard Rock Hotel. Because nobody knows hotel rooms better than Carmen Electra.
  • James Van Der Beek has signed on to star in a comedy pilot for CBS. Unlike Dawson’s Creek, the show will be funny on purpose.
  • Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti left the NME Awards early to have sex with girlfriend Drew Barrymore. I think Drew’s losing her touch… the old Barrymore would’ve just done it AT the Awards.
  • Speaking of The Strokes, Kate Moss has been spotted with guitarist Albert Hammond Jr. Why not?
  • Diana Ross. Stevie Wonder. Marvin Gaye. Lindsay Lohan? One of these things is not like the others.
  • The readers of NME have voted Pete Doherty the Sexiest Man Alive. Many believe he’s going to have trouble fulfilling his duty of staying alive.

Can This Woman Save Brit and Kevin’s Marriage?

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The troubled couple have reportedly been seeing Dr. Irene Kassorla, a couples therapist, for months in a last ditch effort to salvage their relationship.  We know Brit and Kevin are very busy people, so we decided to do a little background check on Kassorla to see if she’s up for the task. The news isn’t good: Turns out the Beverly Hills doctor was Monica Lewinsky’s therapist‘s from 1992 through 1997–when the 21 year old intern was hooking up with former President of The United States. Nice job, Doc.

IN DEFENSE OF: Tomkat

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As you surely know by now, Tom Cruise is considering suing Life&Style magazine for running a story that he is splitting with his fiance, Katie Holmes. Of course, people doubted the relationship from the beginning: he just wanted a baby (here), she was brainwashed (here, here), he’s gay (here, here, here, here, here). But what really gets me is the notion that they are together for publicity. Perhaps you’ve noticed, but the publicity that the marriage has generated has not been what I would call positive. And maybe you remember that Cruise was married to another tall beautiful actress that didn’t exactly quiet the rumors about his sexuality. And why would a budding star like Katie Holmes want to be eclipsed by one of the biggest stars in the world who, by the way, tons of people say is gay? What is worse for a career than being in a relationship that the public doesn’t like or believe? It just doesn’t make any sense at all. The only conclusion that I can draw is that Tom and Katie are legit and if there has been any brainwashing going on, it’s been done by Cupid.

While You Were Deciding Who You Could Sue and Why

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  • Jake Gyllenhaal swapped numbers with Mischa Barton at a recent party. Strangely, they both share the number 555-5555.
  • The Killers are being sued for $16 million– surprisingly however not by the Cure.
  • Katie Holmes breaks her parents hearts when she confirms she won’t be going to college after all. Oh and she’s having satan’s spawn.
  • Lindsay Lohan makes the Flying Tomato go splat. 
  • Nick Nolte said no to Superman, Rambo and Indiana Jones.  Yes to Prince of Tides.
  • Best Week Ever panelists are funny 24/7.

…OF THE DAY

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HEADLINE: "Spider-Man Robs Comic Book Store" – Be sure to watch the hilarious video! (CBS)Spiderman

HEADLINE RUNNER-UP: "Man’s shirt erupts in flames after he is shot by a taser" (Sun Sentinel)

SALES PLOY: Hiring pop singers to perform concerts to sell condos (NY Times)

PRETENTIOUS PITCHFORK ORGASM: They gave Liars’ new album a 9.0 and made up a new adjective in the process: "Berliniamsburg".  (Pitchfork)

SHIRTLESS MYSPACE BRO: "UR NOT HERE BY ACCIDENT" – Indeed.  (MySpace)

POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK: Trump calls Martha a "moron".  (Daily News)