CINEMA’S GOLDEN ERA: V For Vaguely Retarded

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V_for_vendetta Here are the top 5 film people chose to sleep off their hangovers in this past weekend:

1.  Hugo Weaving is the most bankable movie star in the world.  – $26.1 million

2.  F For Failure to give a sh*t about seeing this movie, or any of the 200 more exactly like it coming soon to a theater near you. – $15.8 million

3.  Tim Allen still hasn’t improved anything since television after the cancellation of Home Improvement. – $13.6 million

4.  Just one the…guys, seriously stop making unoriginal crap like this.  I mean, has the well of creativity really run so dry that you’re going to remake a Billy Zabka movie?  This is the cinematic equivalent of not finishing a frozen dinner, sticking in the fridge, then reheating it a week later. – $11 million

5.  …And the theaters have empty seats. – $8 million

PHOTOSHOP CONTEST: The Greatest Baby in the World

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We know Donald and Melania’s new baby, Baron William Trump, is going to be huge. Donald already has three of the greatest children ever, but this new one is going to be the best! That’s why we’re hosting a Trump Baby Photoshop Contest. Send us pictures of what you think the newest addition to the Trump corporation family looks like. Does he have his father’s comb-over? or his mother’s cat eyes? Does he sport a briefcase? or a diamond-studded diaper? Show us what the "greatest baby in the world" looks like and we’ll post our favorites on the site. Email your submissions to: BWEphotoshopContest@gmail.com.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Cobra Kissing

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Snake_kiss_1I usually don’t watch the quirky videos CNN often puts up on its site. Today, though, I was intrigued by this headline: Watch: Snake, man kiss 51 times, serpent woozy. So I watched it. And lo and behold, it was indeed a man kissing a snake 51 times. It’s truly one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen, and it made me realize that as much as reality TV sucks, the United States is still way ahead of the rest of the world in terms of what we do for entertainment.

Watch a man kiss a snake here (in the Offbeat section.) Oh, and I promise you that it’s really a man kissing a snake… and not just a clever synonym for gay porn. Enjoy.

The State of TV: Too Much of a Good Thing

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I’ve been frustrated for a long time by the fact that there are too many good shows to keep up with, but last night after The Sopranos, I reached my breaking point. Already exhausted from having been through the tense campaigning in The West Wing, I was totally drained after watching Tony fighting for his life and his family just fighting. So drained, in fact, that I couldn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy. I had planned all along to Tivo Desperate Housewives and Big Love, but missing out on Grey’s was just too much. How am I expected to be able to talk to my coworkers about Sunday television on Monday morning when I can’t even watch half the good shows?

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While You Were Enjoying The First Day of Spring

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  • Eva_and_tony_1 Sales of the Notorious B.I.G.’s 1994 album "Ready To Die" have been halted after a jury decided it uses illegal samples. It only took 12 years to come to a conclusion, so the judicial system is calling it a success.
  • It’s a boy! for Donald and Melania. The baby is healthy, and is rumored to already be working on his combover.
  • Eva Longoria announced that she had to teach boyfriend Tony Parker how to please her in the bedroom because he’s so sexually inexperienced. And there you have it– the downside to sleeping with Eva Longoria.
  • Daniel Craig is all set to show full fronal nudity in the new James Bond movie. We’ve come a long way from Pussy Galore, haven’t we?
  • The small Italian town of Cernobbio is upset that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt didn’t get married there this weekend. The cultural significance of Cernobbio is now expected to revert back to zero.
  • Tori Spelling’s parents refuse to talk to her. Things just haven’t been the same since Donna Martin graduated.

Child Abuse

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Tom and Katie, in another brazen attempt to assert Cruise’s raging heterosexuality, inflict even more emotional trauma upon the increasingly abused psyche of young Connor.  For shame.

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…Of The Day

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HEADLINE: Flying Cow Leaves Two Police Cars in Flames (WOAI)

THE ‘WHAT WERE THEY SNORTING’ NEWS: Kate Moss is on the short list for the Celebrity Mother of the Year award. (FemaleFirst)

MP3: It’s still The Sopranos Megamix: Do The Malanga! (Download it here)

HISTORY LESSON: The History of St. Patrick’s Day (The History Channel)

MAGAZINE COVER: This week’s Celebrity Living. It features pictures of Hilary Duff, Nicole Richie, Kelly Ripa and Lindsay Lohan with the headline "Toothpicks!" (Hollywood Rag)

IRONIC PARENTING ADVICE: The NY Post, helping out Britney Spears. Um, have you ever read the NY Post? They shouldn’t be giving advice to anybody on anything. (PopSugar)

WHILE YOU WERE URGING YOUR FRIEND TO DATE GEORGE CLOONEY

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  • Jennifer Aniston‘s friends are reportedly urging her to go after George Clooney. She might want to talk to Teri Hatcher before she goes that way.
  • Jerry Seinfeld‘s wife Jessica recently told a friend she’s sick of him going on tour. She reportedly said, "Husbands. Who are these people?"
  • Claudia Schiffer won "significant damages" from a legal battle with her former chef. That will show him to burn her wienerschnitzel!
  • Tupac Shakur will join the ranks of celebrities sculpted in wax at Madame Tussaud’s in Las Vegas. It’s nice to know Bono will have company
  • Simon Cowell made his picks for the three top finalists of this season’s American Idol yesterday. "The bald-headed kid and the guy with gray hair…and Kellie Pickler." Way to learn those names, Simon. I’m guessing Pickler has a leg up right now. 
  • Kevin Federline has cut off his hair for a charity group that makes wigs for cancer patients. My K-Fedish just got even stronger!