I Wish I Could Quit You

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Paul Scheer has been on fire lately. If you love Lost, King Kong, or 24 you must check out his blog. You must.

I love this movie poster. It’s probably the only way Kong would get into the Academy Awards this year.

Chuck Norris Does It All

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You can’t go anywhere these days without hearing the name Chuck Norris. The Random Fact Generator is probably the best thing to ever happen to his career (besides Sidekicks.)

I’m not sure how old this video is (Livejournal people), but it’s new to me. And it’s phenomenal. Watch Chuck Norris sing Meatloaf’s "I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)" here.

Gorillamask. They’ve done it again.

Absolut Kravitz

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ABSOLUT is proud to announce the launch of ABSOLUT KRAVITZ – a new music project which sees Lenny Kravitz creating an exclusive new track based on his interpretation of the ABSOLUT brand.

I can’t believe Lenny sold out. This is utterly shocking! I mean, for the guy from the Gap commercials to go and sell out… is nothing sacred?  [Absolut Kravitz]

From Stereogum.

The Seed of Gallo

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Director Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm on his website. Just like Steven Spielberg does!

Hoping to offend as many people at one time as possible, here are a couple of lines from the description.

  • There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases.
  • Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration.
  • Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.
  • If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it’s a boy. (8 inches if he’s like his father.)

Unfortunately for Vincent, I don’t think anybody’s seen The Brown Bunny.

So come on people, who’s going to step up and buy Vinnie’s sperm for $1 million? Any takers? (no pun intended)

It’s A Bad Day For The Mastersons

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Today FOX cancelled Malcolm In The Middle and That 70′s Show. Tomorrow, FOX plans on sending a big bucket of crap to the guy standing in between Danny & Chris Masterson in that picture.

On the cancellations, FOX’s programming chief said, "We don’t want to see these shows crawl to their endings." Um, sorry, but have you seen That 70′s Show this season? Yeah, neither have we. Exactly.

So now that Chris (the one from Malcolm) and Danny (the one from 70′s) are out of work, I think we all know what’s next. One word: Celebreality.

Nice Globes!

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You were probably too busy watching Jack Bauer… I mean Frank… kicking major ass on 24 last night to realize that the Golden Globes were on… and they were boooorrriiiinnngggg. Lucky for you, today we’re providing you with a one-stop-shop for all your Globe-related needs. Starting with this picture of Scarlett Johansson. Just because.

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That’s a start. Check out Hollywood Rag for a ton of pics.

I Watch Stuff liveblogged the Globes. Thrifty Boutique Gossip also has pics and a recap. D-Listed tackles who looked Awful. And the Corsair asks the question on everybody’s mind: Is Ryan Phillippe the new Chad Lowe?

So, what’d you think of the Globes? And please, Brokeback fans, don’t just say, "I thought they were gay."

Show Me Stupid!

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Here’s a little secret– we here at Best Week Ever love The Feud. If we’re lucky, maybe someday we’ll be invited on to battle against the stars of the WWE or American Gladiators. In the meantime, we’re forced to live vicariously through families like this one.

The question: Name a country other than the U.S. that you admire. The answer… click here to find out.

Billy Gets Toxic

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I had a dream… that one day somebody would successfully mix the video for Billy Joel’s "Uptown Girl" with Britney Spears’ "Toxic." Today is that day.

Watch the video here. And be amazed by the fact that this video was shot just 20 years ago. How far we’ve come.

Thighs Wide Movies 2005

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The Thighmaster saw a butt-load of movies this year (yeah, that’s right, I said butt-load) so you didn’t have to. Now that Awards season is upon us, the man has compiled a list a thousand times better than anything the Academy could ever come up with. Check it out here– everything from the bestest to the wurstest to the Worlds Most Pointless Movie About Sewing. Everything’s accounted for. Thank you Thighmaster. Thank you.