Total Winter Olympics Coverage

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Now that the time is once again upon us when we have to pretend to enjoy "sports" such as curling, bobsledding and cross-country skiing, you might find CRACKED’s Guide to the Winter Olympics helpful and informative when trying to maintain coherent conversations with your co-workers about last night’s biathalon matchups.

Go USA!

BEST NIGHT EVER

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With the Olympics, the Westminster Dog Show, Skating With Celebrities, and 24- Monday night really was the Best Night Ever. Don’t believe me? Watch the video.

See? Now what are you waiting for, join our YouTube group NOW.

Hooray for Vajayjay Day!!

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Happy Vagina Monologues Day!! In the past few years, the provocative play has been staged at college campuses, old folks homes and dinner theaters across the country in an effort to make women comfortable with their hoohas.  But more importantly, it’s allowed local reporters to write the innocently crass headlines we have grown to love. Here are 2006′s top three headlines about the Vagina Monologues from around the country.

3. Taking a Crack at the Vagina : This is from a local paper in Alberta Canada. The clever reporter made sure the oft neglected backside wasn’t left out of this V-day celebration. The only thing that could have made this headline better was a negative review (it stinks!)

2. Vagina Warriors Conquer Monologues: This Cal State Polytechnic newsletter takes the ferociously feminst approach, depiting the show as a battle between woman and monlogue. Sure woman beats monologue but doesn’t beat packed screening of The Wedding Singer playing across the hall.

1. Old Vagina Finds Good Body: I have no idea what this means which makes it the best headline ever. Ohio State University’s "student voice" publication apparently finds the play dated or perhaps the performance just isn’t tight enough.

Celebrity Blog Watch: Guess Who!

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Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I figured now’s as good a time as any to check out some celebrity blogs to find out what they have to say about love. And life. And vaginas.

I pulled this quote from a celebrity blog; you have to guess who wrote it. The answer will be after the jump. Okay? Here we go:

Someone told me that women are having their vaginas rejuvenated. That’s
right, rejuvenated and reconstructed and revirginized even. I thought
they were kidding.

Your choices are:

a) Gene Simmons
b) Anderson Cooper
c) Rosie O’Donnell
d) Fred Durst

Who wrote about revirginizing vaginas? Click below to find out.

Read more…

An Intervention: I’m Worried About Kelly Clarkson

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It’s been inspiring to see Kelly Clarkson‘s rise from wannabe to Grammy-award winning pop superstar. But recently, there are some disturbing signs that she is turning the corner into some unfortunate territory: Divaville. Here’s why I’m worried:

  • She just sold her old house, which was a modest little number in Mansfield, Texas. It’s fine that she’s selling her house, but watch out if she ends up in a Hollywood mansion with a pool shaped like a microphone.
  • She broke up with her boyfriend, Graham Colton, reportedly due to their "busy schedules." Once again, this is okay. But she needs to be careful that she doesn’t end up with a Hollywood boyfriend or worse, be caught making out with Colin Farrell.
  • Finally, there is the American Idol double whammy: She didn’t want to let AI use her music on their show and she didn’t thank the show when she won the Grammy. Okay, maybe she wants to make a break from the show, but she has to at least acknowledge its role in making her famous. OF course, she’s free to say mean things about Simon.

Kelly, we love you because you’re one of us. Please don’t become one of them.

While You Were Stepping in Slush

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  • VH1 will introduce a new show called Surreal Life Fame Games, which involves Surreal Life Alums competing for fame and fortune rent money.
  • The Incredible Hulk is back to fighting crime, when he’s not guest starring on the King of Queens
  • Destiny’s lesser-loved children Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland are planning to take over the music industry… with recurring roles in two UPN sitcoms.
  • It’s not that Andrew Morton’s upcoming Tom Cruise tell-all biography accuses the star of being gay. It’s that it’s glib.
  • Paul Walker says ‘take my wife.’ Give her pleasure.
  • Paris Hilton refusing to strip for Playboy makes her eligible to play Mother Teresa. I’m not kidding.
  • Madonna may leave Britain to escape rumors of a busted marriage. Guy Ritchie encourages her choice but plans to stay.
  • Mel Gibson is building a church in Pennsylvania. Poised to bring conservative, religious fervor to the Amish.

Celebrity Secrets Revealed

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TMZ has a list of some things that photographers have witnessed but are too classy to capture with their cameras. A partial list:

  • Britney Spears has gone into the bathroom at a Mobil Gas Station three times — each time she was barefoot. Are they trying to imply that a gas-station floor is dirty?

  • Lindsay Lohan was caught picking her nose for several minutes straight. Who says she’s not eating enough?
  • Pam Anderson bakes casseroles for her kid’s classmates. She’s an awesome mom, picking
    her kids up everyday and, much to their chagrin, kissing them in public. They might just be a little bit of afraid of her lips.
  • Mel Gibson plays cat and mouse games with paparazzi, hiding behind cars and startling them. Why are they always trying to crucify Mel?
  • Madonna often rides her bike in the exact
    same clothing, minimizing the number of photos the paparazzi can sell. Yeah, that’s the reason!

…Of The Day

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QUOTE: "I didn’t even know my bra size until I made a movie."Angelina Jolie (3am)

OSCAR NOMINEE PARODY: Conversations I’ve Had During A Normal Day In Los Angeles, Modified To Include The Shocking Depiction Of Racism Found In Paul Haggis’ 2004 Film Crash. (McSweeney’s)

BIGGEST CRASH THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OSCARS: Lindsay Kildow’s (NBC)

THE ‘TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE’ AWARD FOR A STUPID HEADLINE: Jaws Creator Loved Sharks, Wife Reveals (Times Online)

EMBARRASSING VAN HALEN NEWS: Van Halen Headed to Next Season of ‘Rock Star’? (TMZ)

VIDEO OF KATIE HOLMES GETTING THE WOOL PULLED OVER HER EYES BY SOMEBODY OTHER THAN TOM CRUISE: Katie Holmes Punk’d Video (Smit Happens)