5 Reason Why I Wouldn’t Claim My $365 Million Either

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Everyone really seems to be freaking out over the fact that some person in Nebraska still hasn’t claimed their $365 million state lottery jackpot – the highest single winner in US history.  Personally, I don’t really see what the big deal is – there are lots of possible explanations for why someone wouldn’t want such a large sum of money.  Here are mine:
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1. I’m too busy to deal with that kind of money — Look, it’s a holiday weekend and I’ve got a lot of things I’d like to do with my time off from work: visiting with family, BBQ-ing with friends, seeing a movie.  Dealing with the headache of claiming 365 million dollars just isn’t one of them.

2. My friend Ted always needs money - If I had access to that kind of scratch, I know my friend Ted would ask me to borrow money, and I’m just really tired of lending money to Ted.  Ted’s thirty – it’s time for him to grow up a little, for Pete’s sake.

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While You Were Starting Your 4-Day Work Week

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  • Mischa_barton_1
    Mischa Barton
    has called Paris Hilton a "silly bitch" just a few short weeks after Nicky Hilton referred to her as a "fat pig." "Silly bitches" and "fat pigs" worry that these "annoying sluts" might be giving them a bad name.
  • George Clooney has been spotted cozying up to Renee Zellweger. This guy will do anything to get his hands on an Oscar.
  • Elton John and Celine Dion performed together at a benefit to raise money for hurricane victims. It’s the gayest thing to happen to hurricanes since the time they named that one Floyd.
  • "Disco Libido," a song that features actual sex noises, has debuted at Number 37 on Billboard’s Hot Dance Music/Club Play chart. Meanwhile, Actual Sex is still holding strong at #1.
  • Kate Moss is believed to be pregnant, but only because she was spotted snorting baby formula the other day.
  • The much-hyped Arctic Monkeys album comes out in the states today. Pick it up and be the first person on your block to say they’re overrated!

SIZZLER: Tom’s Suing Rampage

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Tom Cruise may sue Life and Style Magazine over their reportage of his split with preggers girlfriend Katie Holmes. But first he’s got to finish suing the biographer who’s researching his gay relationships and this dog on street who’s looking at him like he might be gay.

…OF THE DAY

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HEADLINE: "Guy seeks police help for something moronic" (Reuters)

SURPRISING DADDY ISSUE: Handsome, critically acclaimed and universally popular movie star George Clooney is still seeking his father’s approval? (Yahoo! News)

PERVERTED JUSTICE: Former rocker turned repeated pedophile Gary Glitter is going to be tried on rape charges  in Vietnam.  Here’s to hoping that Vietnamese prisons are as sleazy as he is. (BBC)

SALT IN THE WOUND: A teenage girl’s prosthetic leg has been stolen — for the second time.  (Yahoo! News)

SPIELBERG MOVIE INSPIRATION: A man who publicly denied the existence of the holocaust was sentenced to three years in prison in Austria. (MyWay)

TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE: Apparently all excited about President’s Day, Bush says we’re on the verge of an "energy breakthrough" that would help wean the country off foriegn oil.  (MyWay)

Get Back To Work!

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In the past minute:

  • Paris Hilton has just earned $55
  • The Olsen Twins earned $175
  • Tom Cruise earned $260
  • And you probably earned 32 cents

Check out the Forbes’ money meter to find out how your salary compares to that of celebrities.  Cheer up: you may be short on cash, but you’re rich in unfilling jobs.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Spankin’ New Videos

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The Strokes "Heart In A Cage" (via The Modern Age)

Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Gold Lion" (via Product Shop)

Improve your street cred by watching these videos from everybody’s favorite New York hipsters The Strokes and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I love that The Strokes are finally making real videos now (does anybody remember "Hard to Explain"?), and "Gold Lion" proves that Fire + Karen O is a can’t miss combination.  Enjoy.

While You Were Watching The Sun Go Down On Your Long Weekend

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  • Isaac Mizrahi refuses to "put a mask on to meet people" in response to the controversy he caused at the Golden Globes. And that’s fine, we’re just asking him not to grope women.
  • Kate Moss is possibly pregnant again. That’s actually not funny at all.
  • In a surprising parallel to her 2002 movie The Sweetest Thing, a bird(tin foil duck) flies splat into Cameron Diaz’s windshield. A striking example of life imitating sh*t.
  • Angelina Jolie plans to drop food on needy people’s heads. Maybe the impact will make them forget they’re so hungry.
  • Tom and Katie are still together. Don’t believe them? Check out this hot n heavy bear hug.